Fiance wants to race full time

[Luciana]

am about to marry a man in 5 months. Last week he told me he wants to start racing full time next year. He used to race when he was young professionally. When I met him, he had his own business and told me he had retired from racing in 1995. he is 46 now. He also told me his first marriage didn't last because his wife was always alone and ended up cheating on him while he was travelling around the country.

 

In the last few years, he has participated in 2 races just for old time's sake. Both times I felt very neglected. He didn't take my calls and even refused to see me for days on end. He seemed totally obsessed with it.

 

He said he wants to go back because he is feeling dead without that lifestyle. He is very busy with a new direction in his business, likes boating, has me, etc, but this doesn't seem to satisfy him.

 

He also told me his wife followed him to the races for 1 1/2 years. After that, seeing how boring it was for her and that she was just standing there while the guys talk engines, she stopped going.

 

I have been with him to racing events and all Ic an tell is that is a testosterone dominated environment with very little for a woman, unless she is a groupie or a rare enthusiast. It is noisy, smells like rubber and smoke, and you just stand there watching guys tampering with engines. I tried to put on a happy face and go with him but in reality I was bored stiff.

 

My dilemma is: he will be gone most weekends (4 to 5 days each race) the whole year. Either I follow him and give on my life, my friends and other activities just to be with him or I stay home alone.

 

If I stay home alone, I will resent being left alone so much. He will come back days later after having fun and partying while I will probably have spent my weekend alone (my friends are either married or dating). We will lead separate lives, have separate friends, have separate social circles. Not very conducive of a happy marriage.

 

I suggested to him maybe scaling down a bit; choosing fewer races a year, but he said he has to do the whole championship.

 

The other thing I am afraid of is real: if I am left alone weekend after weekend while he is in CA or Canada or the BAhamas, I will end up finding a new guy who wants to spend time with me. I am attractive and outgoing. I will end up going to parties alone in my city, meeting new people....and eventually cheating. I am not blind to that possibility.

 

So I feel guilty in asking him to give up something he used to do and loved to do. MAybe we are not fit for each other. Maybe he needs a woman who likes the racetracks too. Maybe he is being selfish and wants to distance himself from me. Maybe he is being selfish and wants me to give up everything for him (he has the money..). Maybe I am being selfish and want my man around.

 

Why can't he just paly golf with his buddies? Or football in the weekends. Something that takes an afternoon and not 4 days?

 

In a funnier note, he hates the show "Sex and the City". Imagine if I tell him that I am going to join the S&tC club which meets 4 days almost every weekend of the year. He can either stay alone at home or come with me..ha ha.

 

I just know how I feel. We have to pay attention to how we feel. And I am not feeling happy about this. The wedding is only in July so I have time to think.

Thanks for reading!

[justagirl20f]

It's hard, I know, and I totally feel for you with all my heart. No one likes to be second to anything when it comes to their partner. Unfortunately, this is a case in which his goals and dreams don't mesh with yours, and in order to make the relationship work, one of you has to give in a LOT to make things even somewhat possible. It's not really an area that can be compromised on (I know all about the racing world) it's an all or nothing thing.

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do. But just know that if his heart is with racing, his life will eventually lead him there. Along the way he's going to become resentful of you for being in the way. That's going to break your heart more than losing him ever will. If, on the other hand, his heart is with you (as it should be, considering you're contemplating marriage) he won't do anything while he's away that will make you worry or be sad. If you love him, you can't take away from him something that means so much. That said, if you can't live like that, the answer is simple; find someone who shares goals and dreams in line with yours, and won't have to leave you alone to pursue their life.

[brelkins]

There is alot to read But that ok I think I might beable to help.

But I dont know if u are going to like want i say..

 

 

I think that need should quit race Because Of one thing He has been

married for and because of that the marrage did not work.I know that u

fell bad for asking him to stop race but I have to tell u if he really

love u he well do it for u.(FYI I love to race to and My wife dose not

like it And i did know that and one day i was walking in to a room

and hear her tell her friend about it (She said "I dont like it when he

races because i think something might happen to him in a race and im scared")

And after i heared her say that i talk to her about it (And i well tell

u I love to race)And i give up race and I dont really miss it because now

me and her spend more time together.

 

You know that he has been married before and it did not work because of

that.And he know that to but he dose not care about it.Because I know

that most people that get married and then brack up,and then they think

about marring again most people learn for want has gone wroung with the

last one.

 

And to tell u I dont think her really cares about you and your felling

becuase he is not doing anything to help u out.But I dont know I need more

info to help u out more.

 

 

Questions

 

1.Do you love him?

2.Who long to u think it well lasts?

3.Do you that u should have to give up your friends,and family?

4.Dose he really love you?(Think about that one)

5.Do you think u would be happier with someone differnet?

 

Hey if u like u can email me and i well talk to u more about

it on there..

 

 

peace I hope that help

[Luciana]

Brelkins and justagirl, thanks for both your inputs. Very sound.

 

I am divided between feeling like a witch for preventing my future husband's dream or feeling like someone who is really worried about what kind of problems his decision will have for us.

 

Brelkins, I too worry about the danger involved. Just last year a veteran guy died to drag racing, the least dangerous of all. But when I mentioned the risk factor to my fiance he downplayed it, saying it is more dangerous to drive around the beltway here in DC.

 

Deep down I know he wants tobe with the boys. he is that kind of guy. He has no woman friends. He's a man's man. He likes to be with me only to a certain extent. This is a way to get away from me, even though he told me I can come with him to all the races. That is good (of he said I couldn't come it would be a major red flag) but I know I will eventually get fed up with it.

 

I'll be damned if I do it, damned if I don't....lol

 

My dilemma is because this weddign is getting closer. I am not sure now it is a wise thing to do.

[brelkins]

Well I hope u can work it out with him ...

 

I thing i can say it talk to him and really tell him how u fell about it becasue it can help...I know that u might of talk to him about really tell him your felling about ok

[annie24]

Have you two talked to a marriage counselor about this? 4-5 days a week is so excessive. I mean, what's the point in getting married, you may as well just keep dating. If you know yourself (and it sounds like you do), then you know how you'll react - and if you say that you'll be hurt and resentful and may even cheat, then I don't think you should walk into this marriage as things stand.

 

I would talk to a counselor with him. See if you can work out some kind of middle ground. Then, if you can't, you have to decide if this would be a dealbreaker for you. I know you must love him, but if you're not going to be fulfilled, perhaps it is better for you to meet a new man who won't be gone 80% of the year.

 

Best of luck to you! I hope you two reach an agreeable conclusion.

[Luciana]

1.Do you love him?

Yes

2.Who long to u think it well lasts?

Right now I am not sure anymore.

3.Do you that u should have to give up your friends,and family?

No. I shouldn't give up my interests just to follow him. But if I stay alone we won't have much of a partnership.

4.Dose he really love you?(Think about that one)

I am not so sure. He is a selfish guy. He loves himself more.

5.Do you think u would be happier with someone differnet?

Maybe. I am considering that someone who is more feminine-without being gay!

[brelkins]

Hey well I have to tell u i dont think that things are going to work.

 

1. Becuase he is a selfish

2. You Dont know if it is going to lasts.

3. And because you are think that u would be happier if someone different(And i know that we all get cool fleet and all but I know that u are hurting in side)

 

U dont need to fell like that because I know that if you where to look you can find someone that is going to act like they love u.{And i know that he act like it but even when someone is a selfish they can always really act like they love u}because i know because im a selfish and even i talk to her about my fellings.

 

And I dont what to be the someone to stop you form dating(marring)him but Someone has to tell and the thing is you know that form the start.

 

When you where getting ready to type the note on the forum you knew what people where going to say to u.Its hard I know that.

 

But it is better to do it know then have to do it when you are married because that is H^l!.........

 

You know the thurth hurts

[Luciana]

Thanks for your advice. I do see your point.

It's just that part of my brain keeps telling me that I am the one who's being a selfish B is I ask him to not pursue his biggest passion, something he started doing when he was almost a kid, and something that he is very good at.

 

I think women who are married to pilots, war journalists, military and travelling salesmen are heroines.

 

Of course some of these women don't care about their mates anymore and want him away-so they can play, or they are too focused in their children (they live their children's lives-you see many mtohers like that) or in their own hobbies. They like to be alone. I like to be with my partner.

 

Do others agree with Bel and think he is just being selfish or is he going after his passion? Can someone be happy without their passion?

[annie24]

I don't really think someone can be happy without pursuing their passions. I guess those people who have spouses that are away for work much of the time are ok with it and used to it. If that lifestyle does not work for you, then don't enter it. I can't really say if it's selfish. But, it seems to me what you want in a relationship isn't really what he wants. You two seem a little mismatched.

[Luciana]

Right. I agree. It's a mismatch of interests. In everything else we are ok.

We just have too different interests. I have read that most successful relationships are the ones where people have similar interests. No wonder link removed tries to put similar people together.

Thanks.

[annie24]

4.Dose he really love you?(Think about that one)

I am not so sure. He is a selfish guy. He loves himself more.

 

This bothers me the most.... if he doesn't really really love you, then why even get married? You said you are attractive and outgoing - I bet you could find someone who is truly right for you in a snap. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[brelkins]

Hey man and woman I have to tell u we are all helping her but the only one that can make it happen his her.........

 

If you think that u well be happy then that is cool

 

But if u dont think that u can make it then I have to say leave but it is up to u.......

 

GOOD LUCK

 

if u need more help we are all here

 

BUt all ways do what u heart is telling u beucase you can never go wroung with that it might hurt for some time but u can get of it .It well not kill u

 

peace

 

lotz of love

[caramellabacix]

is he really selfish for going after something that it seems he has always wanted? if you wanted to go after your dream, would you think it was fair if a man tried to stop you? in my opinion, he is not doing this to get away from you, but to do something for himself. why did he give it up in the first place? is he unhappy with is current job? for some people, being stuck in a career that they are just not into is like being stuck in jail.

 

as for you, i think you also have a right to live your life the way that you want. it seems that either way, if you go with him or not, you are still giving up a part of your life that is important to you. is a marriage where the two partners only see eachother three times a week really healthy? in the beginning you might feel fine about it... but somewhere down the line you will begin to feel resentful, as you've said yourself. my aunt was in a similar situation as you recently. she entered the marriage full of love, and although her husband was constantly on business trips, she learned to live with the consequences. however, eventually the initial feelings of love and support that she felt began to leave and be replaced with mistrust and bitterness.

 

it is fine if two people in a relationship have separate interests. my mom and stepdad are almost polar-opposites (he is obsessed with his guitar and band, and lots of weekends he plays gigs at clubs, even sometimes on holidays. however she can't even stand his music, refuses to go see him because old men hit on her at the bars/clubs, and doesn't listen to him when he talks about his band and their music.) however, does this take a toll on their relationship? not at all. they learned to accept that they just have different interests.

 

in your case, i do not think this would work. why? because although it is fine to have separate interests, when those interests interfere with how those people actually live their LIFE it is a problem. you would not be happy with him away in races, he would not be happy with giving up racing for his current job.

 

it's a lose-lose situation in the long run.

 

think about this: would you rather be temporarily happy during the beginning stages of marriage, or continuosly unhappy and resentful after more time passes?

 

good luck, and please let us know the outcome. love xxx