HELP! Friend turns Stalkerish! Moves to be with me!

[sayer7]

A man who has a serious obsessive/stalkerish crush on me has decided to move from Alaska to my town thousands of miles away even though for the last year and a half I have repetively told him that I am absolutely not available and absolutely not interested in him in any romantic way, and that I don't think it is smart for him to move to my town just to be with me when he is wheelchair bound and doesn't know anyone here besides me to help him. He lives off of a disability insurance check and will be moving 4 miles away from my apartment and I know that he'll be expecting me to help him get groceries and spend a lot of time at his new apartment helping him move in etc. In Alaska he has family, all he has to do is call someone to have them buy groceries for him, he never has to leave the house, doesn't have to pay rent, the cost of living is ideal for someone who depends on a wheelchair to get around. I've always told him that it would be best if he stayed near family and stay in Alaska cause he'd be best taken care of.

 

I've not talked to him much for about 2 weeks now hoping to show him that I won't be around, and that I don't support his move here, that if he comes here he is on his own-- because he will be-- not because I'll do it out of spite, but because that's my everyday lifestyle... I work from 6am until 10pm 4 days out of 7, I go to night classes 2 days of the week and don't come home until 11pm after which I go back to work until 3am, and on the weekend I'm usually traveling to a destination on assignment for work and staying at a hotel. I am virtually NEVER here and he's known this is my lifestyle for years. I tried to make that clear to him he was moving here for the WRONG reasons.

 

When he told me 3 weeks ago he was moving to my town "for a chance to date me", to "convince me we are soulmates", and "to show me we are perfect for each other" I told him those were bad reasons to move here because I wouldn't be emotionally or physically available to do those things. I also told him that if he couldn't be just friends with me and continued to be stalkerish I would break all contact with him.

 

Despite his crush though, he has always been a good friend. I've known him for many years but at some point his feelings of friendship turned into a crush. I wish we could go back to being just friends because our relationship has become so strained and difficult for me.

 

What should I do? Tell him he's being stalkerish and that we can no longer be friends? Help please!!!

[Strandysmommy]

I'd warn him again. Tell him that nothing he can do or say will make you feel any romantic feelings for him. In fact, the way he's behaving now is making you question whether you even want to still see him. Tell him that it's not ok what he's doing, and if he really does move there to be near you, you might look into a restraining order or something.

[sayer7]

Well he's really moving here. He just text my phone telling me he just got situated in his seat on the bus and that he was looking forward to seeing me at the end of the month. UGH!

[RayKay]

I have been in a similar situation, though a little less extreme.

 

One of my friends I have known for several years (I met him when I was in army reserves). He is still in military as is often placed in other places accross Canada. Everytime I talk to him (which is rarely because of this) he basically diminishes my relationships with partners and saying when I am single again, he would love a chance with me. I have told him with my current partner that is definitely not happening! He seems to not take me seriously, and will often say he wished he had been here when I was single so he could have chance - though I have told him I have no romantic interest in him at all even if I was single. Not to be mean, but just to be honest and ensure he would for one, stop bothering me and pressuring by flirting with me (I don't flirt back with him) and to not have him "diminish" my relationships. I basically avoid him as much as possible now.

 

Since he is moving there and you HAVE made it clear, I would continue doing as you are...it is fine to help SOMETIMES, but clearly not always and let him know you are busy and do have other plans. He may expect you to help out a lot but you have not promised so, I assume? Do it because you want to, not because you are obligated to. You can tell him again, but I have feeling he does not really listen...but I would still between then and now emphasize you are not interested, you could even say you are dating elsewhere and that he will not have the chance.

 

Blunt yes, but you have tried being discreet, then more honest...so what can you do? Get a restraining/do not contact order if necessary.

 

No one can CONVINCE someone they are soulmates in my opinion!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

You need to tell him that all this pressure is only going to drive you away from even being friends with him. Honestly, it's the truth if you'll ignore him out of spite, which I can't blame you for. I think you need to stop contact with him right now. It's the only way I can see him getting the hint. You talking to him right now is only going to give him hope, as false as that is.

 

Honestly though, there might not be much you can do. I have a friend who is exactly like this. He fixated on this one girl who was his friend and no matter what we all told him he wouldn't listen. He even went as far as buying an engagement ring and asking her to marry him. . Needless to say they aren't friends anymore. He was heartbroken but it's kind of hard to feel sorry for someone who was basically stalking his friend.

 

 

Stay strong

[mt_joy]

Keep warning him that you cannot help him. Emphasize your already-packed schedule. Don't do anything, as I'm sure you won't, to give him any hope. If you can, get in touch with his family. This sounds like a very strange guy.

[sayer7]

Thanks guys,

 

He wasn't this clingy/strange/obsessive/stalkerish when I first met him many many years ago. It wasn't until the last year and a half or so that he started talking about living together and being a couple and being romantic. From the get go I told him I was not interested in ever dating him, that he would always be just a friend to me, that I would never date him or give him a romantic chance because I simply do not feel that way. Those are basically my words exactly. I even told him straight out that I've been in love with someone else for 8 years(which is true) and that I do not want to date anyone else. I've told him over and over again to listen to me and to take what I say seriously (most of our conversations these days revolve around how he needs to get over his crush and listen to what I"m telling him and take me seriously) but he keeps saying "Once I get there you'll fall in love with me if you just give me a chance and date me."

 

 

So here he comes a courting basically and he knows I have absolutely no time for him that I will NOT date him and will NOT give him a romantic chance once he gets here.

 

We have talked many times about how his behavior and obsessiveness is ruining our friendship and he doesn't listen- and despite that he's STILL moving to my town in hopes to date me.

 

ARRRGHHHHHH!!!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

You've told him that he's ruining your friendship. As much as it might hurt to do, you now have to back your words up. You need to distance yourself from him. It's sad, but I think you need to treat him like he's an ex. It's obvious that he's into you that way so you need to follow the NC rule and you need to do it now, before you move. At least then you might be able to save him from making a mistake by moving if you prove to him that he's hurting your friendship. Not to say that if he moves to your hometown, it's your fault. It's absolutely not. But you can show him that his actions will only push you farther away to the point where you don't even want to know him. That's the nice way of dealing with things.

 

The "mean" way might be to tell him that he's scaring you and that you never want to see him again, then break off all contact. At least then he will probably get the hint.

 

Whatever you choose, you need to do it before you leave.

 

Hope everything works out.

[sayer7]

Well I'm not moving... he's moving to be with me at my town. But overall I get your point and thanks.

[Shidoshi]

This is why you can't be friends with someone who is interested in you in a romantic way. People have physical and emotional needs and this guy sounds like he just couldn't take it anymore, now he's stalking you. I feel sorry for guys who do this because they either don't pick up on the countless signals their given to let them know nothings going to happen, or they're just in denial.

 

You figure this guy is disabled, probably never even been in a real relationship, and you befriended him out of the kindness of your heart. The problem though is that he is a man, and talking with you over the years has probably been driving him crazy. He wants you, and he wants you NOW!! You better hope this guy doesn't get all psycho on you.