Thinking of divorce....really need some feedback

[surferchic88]

Help!!! I have been married for 5 and a half years. Two years ago my husband changed jobs and became a cop. This new career has led to many nights where I am alone and very few opportunities for us to see each other. On top of that his personality has completely changed and his job is the most important thing to him. In the midst of all of this I met and fell in love with another man. We were just friends at first - for almost a year actually and now I believe that he is my true soulmate. I am at a loss as to the steps I should take. The new man in my life has just recently divorced and is not pressuring me to leave... my husband. He believes that if he and I are meant to be together it will happen in due time. I, on the other hand, am sick of having to think about this. I just want it to be over!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

[cleverme123]

My ex husband too became a cop after 4 years of marriage and his personality completely changed. He had an ego and would come home angry and tired and not want to talk or spend time together. We went to counseling, and tried to fix things, but it was too late. The damage was done, and I was hating to have to wake up in the situation every day. More so I was running around trying to find someone to fill in the missing time. My husband got tired of working at it and ran. Two weeks later filed divorce.

 

Now what else I will say. I believe that if you want to try to fix your marriage number one you can't be seeing someone else. Your marriage will always look ten times worse when your with someone else that can fill in the voids and make up for time lost with your husband. Your husbands career choice will provide stability for your family and income for you all as well. A job of a cop is not easy, it does put a lot of strain on the family, and is a huge adjustment. It takes time to understand the pressure that they go through. I was not willing to wait, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Have you talked to your husband about the changes, maybe he truly doesn't know that he is doing it. Mine did not realize until therapy. You either have to make a choice to make your marriage work or to plain out leave. There is no sense dragging a third party into the situation trying to see what will pan out. I know you are probably lonely, but did it occur to you maybe your husband is too, they sit long shifts of driving around and deal with plain idiots all day long.

 

You shouldn't be starting a relationship out of the idea that your marriage isn't working, because your marriage won't work until it's goes back to you and your husband. As far as the other guy, he's right if it's meant to be it will be. Which means you need to decide if your heart is in or out of your marriage and make a choice to do something about it. If this other guy cares for you he will understand. And you can never know if your someones soul mate until you can pledge 100% of yourself to that person. I strongly suggest that you consider that.

 

IN any case good luck.

[_Ramirez_]

Well I really feel for you as you seem to be in a difficult position. At first it seems to me that you don't love the man you're married to anymore and you don't say if you think he still love you. I believe that your marriage is already over even if both of you don't want to admit it.

 

I can't tell you what you should do because this will be your choice but in every situation where I can't decide myself what to do I do the following, I make the problem simpler by stating the choices I have.

 

You only have 3 choices really.

The first one is staying with your husband, leave your lover and quit playing around. You are with a man you once loved enought to marry him and he is still the same man even if he have a different attitude now. Maybe your marriage is worth fighting for. Of course this is the most difficult choice but maybe both of you can come out of this stronger and happier than ever. Talk to him and reestablish the communication in your couple. Maybe he did change a lot but do you know the new man he became? Can you learn to love this man?

 

The second one is to quit. Talk to him and tell him this is going nowhere and that you want to file for a divorce. By all mean don't talk to him about the fact that you already have someone in your life or you will make matters worst. You are with a man you don't love anymore, you have a lover you believe to be your soulmate, a happier life await you around the corner if only you can find a way to quit this one your living everyday. Stop fooling around, just find the courage to say the phrase "it's over between us" and the rest will follow.

 

The third choice is to leave the things as they are. Learn to live like this. Try to find happiness with the man you love while living with the one you don't love anymore. The danger in this is that your lover will get tired of it or that your husband discover you have another life on the side. The only good thing about this situation is that you don't have to make a choice for now even if I believe that choices tend to make themselves and most of the time not to our best advantage.

 

Anyway good luck with your decision. Weight the pros and cons and go for what you feel being the most important thing, your happiness or your dedication to your couple.

[Luscious]

There were good responses to you, so I will only add a few of my opinions...

You must decide if you're ready to give up on your marriage, do you still love your husband and if you still do then you need to give the marriage a chance, didn't you vowed till death do 'us' part. Are you letting him know that you are unhappy and feel that the marriage is drifting apart because there is a lack of quality time. I believe that you should try all avenues before you decide to give up and be fair to him, while you're working on your marriage you MUST leave the other guy alone because it will only confuse you more.

The other guy is filling in the gaps that your husband has allowed to be open so it will seem that he is your soul mate but if he really is you'll know if and when you have tried everything and have failed.

 

Note: The biggest single problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place!!

Anyway Good Luck with your decision.

[surferchic88]

My husband already knows how I feel about the marriage. I started talking to him about it over a year ago and he did not take me seriosly until I threatened to leave this past November. Then he suggested counseling and set it up with a guy who works specifically with cops. We only went once. Then over the course of a month he lied to me about several things including setting up his own checking account and buying a $600 gun. After all of that took place (this would be during and right after Christmas) I told him that I would not attend marriage counseling with him until he went to see a counselor on his own. I gave him a month. Meanwhip - I went to counseling myself and still am going. He wated until the last day of January to set up an appointment and nothing has really changed since except my relationship with my "friend". My husband says that he wants this relationship to work but actions speak louder than words. He has also changed his mind about having kids since he has become a cop which is really hurtful to me becuase before we got married we had agreed that we would like to try to have at least 2!

[mt_joy]

I think you should stop seeing this other guy and work on your marriage. Often, when a wife mentions that she is contemplating divorce, the husband will change. Give him time to do so. Work on your marriage. And after all else has failed, then seek a divorce if nothing gets better. Good luck!

[surferchic88]

I appreciate everyone's imput. I wish this were an easier decision. The reason it is so hard to make that commitment to the marriage is becuase I no longer am attracted to my husband. He split our account and now we have two separate accounts and we pay bills as if we were roomates. It makes it hard for us to do anything together becuase there is always the "uncomfortable" topic of "who pays". It has deteriorated to less than a friendship and it hurts!!! How do you get past that?

[cleverme123]

Well his ego probably got hurt if he knew you were contemplating divorce. About kids, a lot of times cops get afraid with the "what if" syndrome. Ya know what if I am working and get shot will my wife/kids be okay. There are support groups for wifes of cops.

 

To get past the hurt for me I some times had to swallow my ego, and try to see it as not a meaningful hurtful thing that was going on but I tried to find sense and reason for doing it. Things were awful for a while and did get better, but I made the mistake of seeing someoen else while trying to make my marriage work. Wound up messing up a chance to fix it cause I kept telling this other guy everything that was wrong. Long story short when hubby left I jumped into another relationship with this person and found in him traits that were abusive but got my self locked into a position where I cant fix it now. I could ahve made it work with my husband but it would have taken work. I just threw in the towel and didnt try.

[surferchic88]

Thank you so much for all of your feedback. I think I have decided that I will just be patient for now. This other man who I am positive is my soulmate is also my best friend and is supportive of me working on my marriage - which he says is becuase he does not want me to experience the pain of divorce that he did. He is very supportive of me in general which is why I am drawn to him so much. Anyway - I appreciate all of the advice. As far as the support groups for wives go - where are they? There are none in my area and the ones I have viewed on the internet are actually pretty negative about being a cops wife.

[cleverme123]

I will have to go look and see what I can find, what state are you in that would help me find one for you.

[surferchic88]

Pennsylvania

[tyme4justice]

Surferchic88...

when I read you post, I felt like I was reading something I would have written myself. I am in the same boat as you. i know how you feel, truly I do. If you ever need to chat or talk...I am here. You can get a hold of me...tyme4justice@link removed, email removed, email removed I have messenger at all 3 of those also. Seriously, if you need me, I am here.[/i][/b]