It was me who wanted a break - now how do I get him back?

[mariklaus]

So a lot of the things I have read in other threads make total sense and can be applied to my situation but my case is that I was the one who asked for a break and need a bit of advice please.

 

Me and this guy, let's call him Paul, had been together for six months. To summarize he was very ready for a serious relationship and we often had misunderstandings around how much one should be around and involved in the other person's life, how much the one should be there to support the other, making plans for a future together and so on. I also felt he was a bit too controlling (he thought it was inappropriate of me to want to travel alone with friends for example) and was constantly upset that I wasn't "giving enough" in the relationship.

 

Despite loving him dearly I felt a bit suffocated and wanted something a bit easier - in the sense that I wanted to be committed to him, and wasn't interested in going out with other guys, partying away without him or anything, but wished that we could take things a little easier and that he could respect my individuality and the fact I was a person with friends, tastes, hobbies and all before he met me.

 

At the same time, he neglects everything to look after his mum and dad (his parents divorced a few years back) to the point it seems he is their father now. His little sister has everything handed over to her and doesn't take her own business seriously enough, so he has to be there to "save her" everytime she needs it.

 

As a result, he started having serious stress-related health issues and I thought he was just neglecting himself, his health, his business...and that made me seriously unsure about planning a future together. I never talked about this with him, as I thought it would hurt him too much. I am self-sufficient and have a fulfilling life on my own, and I just felt that his insecurity couple with his inertia would drag me down.

 

Just over a month ago, I had a health scare and that drove me a bit crazy. I thought that my doubts were exacerbated by him wanting to be there for me every step of the way - which is crazy, as you would have expected someone to do exactly that - and I asked for a break, which crushed him completely of course. He did say at first that he would never get back together after a "break", but later said I knew where to find him in case I wanted to get in touch.

 

The truth is that I had all these doubts I had about him plus the fact I felt as if I would be adding to his already heavy load, were the main factors that influenced my decision to have a break.

 

A month of soul searching, meditation and a lot of self-improvement showed me that there were many things in our relationship that were difficult for me to deal with, but I could have been a lot more accepting and tolerant about it all. And I could have been more upfront about my own fears and insecurities too.

 

I did send a handwritten letter, a long one, to him, where I explained all of this and suggested a meeting place (a special location we traveled to together) and the hotel I would be. Bad mistake, as he never showed up. I called and tried texting. Normally he would have changed his phone number or disconnected from messaging apps when breaking up with someone (he told me this), but he remained available during this whole time we have been apart. But when I tried to message via an app, he viewed the message, then deleted his account without responding.

 

I have since tried to message him and arranged another meeting place and he again never showed up. Knowing him, he must be thinking why on Earth he should answer to my meeting requests like that when I have been away for a month doing heaven knows what? But in my mind, I just want to explain to him when my barriers were, how I felt about certain things, my conclusions about it and tell him I need him in my life and love him.

 

When messaging via SMS and emailing, I have tried to keep a positive, upbeat tone, but have mostly tried to say that I have thought things through and that I want to talk to him and be with him. And that if he is with someone else already, that he only needs to tell me so I can stop bothering him.

 

When I try calling, he doesn't send me to voicemail or turns the phone off, but just lets the phone ring.

 

I have another health checkup this Friday that may be crucial and more than anything I wanted him to be by my side and accept all the support that he offered (I have also told him this on the messages) and actually have a full relationship without dragging my heels again because of things that are not so important. Life is so short and I feel I might have lost an opportunity to be loved and cared for by someone who has his faults, but is a caring, loving person who I shared so many good moments with.

 

Now how do I do to try and winning him back and showing him that this time, I am ready to make the changes we needed in order to be happy together? How do I make him feel that getting back together is not necessarily just doing things my way? I feel he lets me call and message away just to see how much I am prepared to chase him after leaving him with nothing for a month.

 

Thanks for reading this!