Moving on from first love

[JuggernautJay]

Bear with me guys. This is going to be a long one and honestly, I'm only posting it here because I just feel better talking about my issues to people I don't know rather than my friends or family.

 

For a little backstory on me, I've always considered myself to be asexual. I'm 20 years old and have never really been attracted to a girl. I've had one relationship when I was 17 but that's purely because my Dad was nagging me to get into one. I've never mentioned my sexuality to anyone, and recently I've started to doubt it. In September I started college and met this girl whom I immediately clicked with. We shared the same humour, we both found each other interesting and we just got along great. I got her number and we spent pretty much every evening just chatting about all sorts. After about 2 months of talking over text I started to become attracted to her physically and after another short while, I developed emotional feelings for her. We kept talking and then just after Christmas I mentioned these feelings. She didn't specify whether she felt the same way or not, but she seemed interested in being more than friends. And a load of people thought that she felt the same way about me as well, including her friends.

 

Anyways, another month or so went by and I had this elaborate plan to ask her out a few days before Valentine's Day and then take her out on a date on Valentine's. So Valentine's was a sunday and I asked her out on the Wednesday. Unfortunately it flopped. She told me that I'm an amazing guy and I have all the traits she would normally go for. She said I'm funny, I can keep conversation going, I'm a charmer, easy to get along with an just a generally trustworthy and caring person, but she couldn't have a relationship with me due to the distance between where we live. She told me she would rather a relationship with someone who lives close by so that she could visit whenever and they could visit her whenever (she lives like an hour and a quarter away from my house, our college is almost slap bang between both our towns.) I pretty much just left it alone after that. I carried on talking to her as a friend, secretly hoping that she would change her mind.

 

Right, now let's skip forward by about 4 days which takes us to Valentine's day. Most of the week we were chatting and then on Valentine's Day she posted a snapchat story saying "If you like me so much why didn't you ask me out?" which for some reason I thought was about me. I replied to the story with a little joke saying "It's only 7 o clock, There's still 4 more hours for me to take you on a date ;P." And that's when my heart sank. She told me it wasn't about me. She said that her ex boyfriend (Whom she broke up with in July) had recently started speaking to her again. Apparently they've been speaking for about 2 weeks and she's started to develop old feelings for him again. He's told her he wants to give things another try and she said that she would be willing to meet up with him to see if things go well between them. I did the polite thing and just wished her luck and said I hoped it would go well.

 

The next day (Yesterday) after I finished work I had a message from her telling me that he'd cancelled on her and she was annoyed. She told me that she knew going back to him was a mistake as when they were together he spent the whole relationship messing with her head while he spent his time speaking to other girls in pubs. Apparently he was a player. I basically just chatted with her a bit and convinced her that she was worth more than that. Anyways, he messaged her late at night telling her he was sorry for cancelling and asking if they could reschedule. They've arranged something else, I dunno what. I decided it was all too much for me. I truly love this girl, and I think it'll hurt me too much seeing her with someone else, more so someone who might hurt her. I don't want to see her get hurt. So I told her how I felt and I basically said that I felt it would be better if the 2 of us stopped speaking. She didn't want me to leave her, she phoned me and begged for a while about how I was her best friend and she wasn't willing to lose me. She tried to make it better by saying that if he cancels on her again that was it, she wouldn't go back to him. This was his last chance. Apparently her intuition told her he was going to cancel on her again. I just said I only kept speaking to her with the hopes of being more than friends, and since that won't work I feel it would be better to stop speaking to help me move on. I deleted her from facebook and snapchat and she hasn't text me or rung me today.

 

And that's it. I went to see some friends today to take stuff off my mind but I'm honestly so miserable. I hardly slept last night, kept waking up thinking about her. I haven't eaten all day, not felt hungry. I haven't cried, I haven't spoken to anyone (bar the guys I visited). I'm really upset about her leaving my life. And I'm also incredibly scared that I won't ever develop feelings for a girl again. It's taken me 20 years to develop feelings for one girl. Will I ever feel like that again? My college days are nearly over and soon I won't be making the social bonds that occur in that environment. Will I ever move on from her? Am I going to stay lonely forever? Honestly had all these thoughts rushing in my head for so long, I dunno what to do.