Marriage

[PAdreamer]

Just curious as to how many people here in LDRs are planning on marrying their current significant other. Not just planning it in your head, but it's actually a topic of serious discussion between the two of you.

[Heretic]

I was planning on marrying my LDR, before we broke up.

 

Not sure if that helps but there it is.

[Wimpy]

It's a discussion we had before he had to move home (his visa expired) and it thereforeeee, by necessity, became an LDR. This is the first time we've been separated and have both agreed to give the future serious consideration and then I'm going to see him in 54 days' time (not that I'm counting you understand )

 

An LDR is certainly not something I'd do out of choice.

[Zimetra]

We both don't believe in the concept of marriage.

 

In addidion, I got married once out of necessity (residence permit needed for my ex), of course we loved each other but there was this necessity in the background. And I wouldn't want to get married for a similar reason AGAIN, this time probably for my own reseidence permit.

 

On the other hand, I don't know how strict the U.S. immigration laws are and whether I have a chance to get a rp because I find a job there. My occupational qualification is high, but I'm not sure what the additional requirements are.

 

I hope I won't be forced to take a decision like that again.

[arwen]

Hey girl!

 

As you know, I am no longer in an LDR, but I would like to share the story of a friend of mine who is:

 

This friend is currently engaged with her very very longdistance significant other. They really love each other, but it is such a struggle to get things the way both are satisfied:

 

* the issue of learing a language (in this case, the boyfriend needs to learn the language of my friend)

* where on earth (literally) are they going to live? If she moves to his country, it is like 15 hours of plane between her and her family/friends. I have made suggestions to move for instance to England, where he is in a country where he can speak his mothertongue, and she is nearer to her home country.

* there are a lot of bureaucratic problems, if he moves here, she has to have earned 120% of the minimum income, which in our current economy is bad news. She has recently graduated and lives in a small studio. All her money now, is spend on planetickets (you can imagine what a flight to the other end of the world costs...)

* another issue is the way an LDR works: normally you spend short periods of time together, but those times are really 24/7. In between you spend NO time except for over phone, email, IM etc. This gets things out of perspective easily because you have never experienced how the other has 'normally' lived. When you are together you want to be together every minute, but how will this be when you are together both working, studying and also seeing friends? I think you really have to discuss those things before getting married.

 

I think that strong love can survive these difficulties... an LDR is not impossible, but it will just make your relationship even more complicated than 'normal'. My friend periodically has attacks of cold feet LOL, but that is normal for anyone who has just become engaged. I know I would be, even is my husband to be would already live in my home.

 

Ilse.

[Zimetra]

* another issue is the way an LDR works: normally you spend short periods of time together, but those times are really 24/7. In between you spend NO time except for over phone, email, IM etc. This gets things out of perspective easily because you have never experienced how the other has 'normally' lived. When you are together you want to be together every minute, but how will this be when you are together both working, studying and also seeing friends? I think you really have to discuss those things before getting married.

 

You're right, this is the main issue I get cold feet about. Getting to know how the partner functions in everyday life is very important. That's why I wouldn't want to give up everything for him. If I move over there, I'd want to build up my own life, work on my career, have a place on my own, and meanwhile we can figure out whether we are compatible in the non-virtual world.

 

Zimetra

[ayekasong]

Well, we've had a few discussions about it, but we're both trying to just play things by ear right now. However, I am planning to move closer to him when I go back to the U.S., hopefully we'd be able to better judge our feelings about that when we live closer to each other.

[arwen]

If you are in entirely different countries/continents, like my friend and her man, it's difficult to decide to move your life over there without living together or getting married.

 

I think if you are like from another state, it might be an idea to first move closer together, and have a normal relationship, even without living together. For instance, one could rent a small apartment, and also find a way to build a social life of one's own.

 

That's another issue, if one person moves to the place of the other person, there is the risk of getting dependent on the person for a social life. In a normal relationship, both would have an own set of friends.

 

Anyway, as the topic of this was not the difference between LDR and 'normal' relationships, I think that these typical LDR issues should be really discussed before you plan to get married.

 

So, PADreamer I am so curious if the two of you are seriously planning on getting married? It's so sweet!

 

Ilse.

[ludedude]

right now me and my girlfriend have every intention of getting married. right now we are apart because of college but she is thinking of transfering somewhere closer to me which is good.

[PAdreamer]

Hahaha! Yeah I guess I should have mentioned that. He proposed at midnight on New Years. We have the date set and all that. Now we're just working on making the outfits for the wedding party while we wait for summer to come so we can check out the wedding location and put the downpayment on it to reserve it. Then we'll be able to kick it into high gear. But we've already decided on attire, the invitations, the rings....

 

I can imagine that a cross-continental relationship would be much more difficult than most other relationships.

[Wimpy]

I can imagine that a cross-continental relationship would be much more difficult than most other relationships

 

I can agree on this one since my man is now on another continent However I don't think I'd have been so keen to move it into an LDR if it wasn't for the fact that we've known each other for almost 2 years and for all that time been living "normal" lives whilst going out and getting to know one another.

 

The big thing now is whether or not we decide to get married and accept all the issues that involves - where to live (which country)....jobs etc etc. I know I'm ready to take that all on board but he needed time to figure that all out...hence us seeing each other again after a 9 week absense and assessing how things are going.

 

I don't think LDR's are easy and as I said previously I wouldn't choose one or get involved in one where I hadn't already known the guy in my normal environment...if that makes sense.