Do I forgive?

[kev34]

This is the first time I have ever visited a chat room but I am alone with no one to talk to about this. I am engaged to be married -- we are to be married in a couple of months after a long courtship. I came accross a videotape the other day which is a home movie with my fiance and another woman. Apparently, they were together a handful of times about 4 years ago. At that time, we were just past our first year together and were having a rocky time. I realize that this is something that happened long ago and that our relationship is at a very different place than now than it was back then, it is just so hurtful that he not only cheated on me but kept a tape of his actions (and watched it!!) all this time. We are going to go to counseling ASAP but I am not sure if it is enough. Also, the woman he was with is married and I strongly feel that I should tell her husband. Anyone have any thoughts on all of this?

[redbabymama]

whatever you do, do not tell her husband! their marriage is none of your business. also i commend you on being so forgiving...i am going through the forgiving stage with my boyfriend right now. you really love your fiance', and i can tell you want it to work, so good luck !

[kev34]

I realize that there relationship is none of my business but I feel that if you are going to tape your infidelity than you are really put yourself at risk of getting caught. People have to take responsibility for their actions. And lets face it (and maybe I am just really angry right now) but I feel that if we have to suffer right now than they should to. How long have you been in the "forgiving stage" with your boyfriend? Does it get better? Are you seeking couples counseling?

[Radix]

Forgiveness is a noble venture and if you can do it it would definitely set you above him and his actions, but dont mingle forgive with forget. Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me.

 

You should also not go to the other womans' husband, or even confront the other woman. That's far from forgiving and throws you right into vindictive mode.

 

Play it by ear and see if you can deal with it. This also means that you can't throw it up in his face everytime that you get into an argument. Thats not forgiving either. Be weary but truthful. Your trust has been taken advantage of and its an issue with which HE needs to know you are going to have trouble dealing. Talk it over with him and see where that leaves you. If it makes you feel better afterwards, then maybe you can forgive, if not, then you might not ever be able to do so.

 

G'luck dearheart, hope it works out to your favor.

 

Radix

[redbabymama]

if you really want your relationship to work out, it will. in fact i would pray about it if i were you. thats what i did my boyfriend made a mistake once to, but i realized yes it was his fault, but there were some other issues surounding that.i fogave him, but not entirely because its kinda hard to forgive people entirely...if you want the whole story send me a private message.but for you and your groom to be have a happy life and...

 

Good Luck!

[CoolGuy]

First of all, don't confront that other woman!!! it is upto her to keep this a secret from her husband or whatever...

u have to bother about ur situation now..... i agree it is a very difficult and testing time for u but my advice is think real cool!!!! u don't want to make a bad decision here and mess up ur future altogether. Talk with ur fiance on this matter... i think it will help... it shouldn't be a confrontation kind of thing but a kind of forceful need for answer. try to weigh his explanations and find out if he is being sincere or not.... if he is really sincere and loves u, then ur noble talk of forgive and forget is valid.... if it isn't, then u may end up with other squabbles later....

so, think cool, talk to ur fiance and take ur time to decide.

 

Good Luck and keep me posted.... BYE

[kev34]

Thanks CoolGuy. We have been talking A LOT and will begin couples counseling tomorrow. He is also going to start individual counseling.