End of the line....?

[jpr73]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this site and this is my first post, so hello and nice to meet you all!

 

I'm facing a dilemma of sorts....I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years. As is usually the way, everything is great at the start, honeymoon period and all that....

 

Over the past few weeks I've started wondering what life would be like being single again, which probably isn't a good sign. My g/f and I live together and she is a very supportive person in a lot of ways, but over the last few months I've started noticing traits that are really starting to get under my skin. We are both self employed and work from home, so we spend a lot of time together. Ideally, I would like to counteract this with having a little space now and then, but she doesn't see and understand the importance of that. I'm not asking for drunken weekends away with the guys....just a day by myself, or at least an afternoon. She's very clingy, which can get a little irritating at times - I'd just like to point out that I'm not a cold and distant person. Far from it. But how many times do you need to say "I love you" during the course of the day? I know every couple is different, but I feel that I have to constantly reassure her all the time and she is constantly coming up and hugging me, etc. Sometimes it feels really stifling.

 

I feel that she is very immature a lot of the time, not very responsible. If I go into her office to see if she would like a coffee, nearly every time I walk in she'll be on facebook or playing a video game, when she should be working. Then a huge backlog of work piles up and then she gets stressed out. Instead of hitting the workpile and clearing it, she'll just play more video games to "escape from it all". In the evenings after dinner, we'll sit together but she'll just fire up her laptop and start playing Skyrim or something, with her headphones on and we'll hardly talk during the course of the evening. I usually head up to bed around midnight at the latest, but she'll stay up 'til 4 or 5 in the morning still playing games. I then have to tip-toe around the house until around mid-day and then I go in and wake her up. It's almost like having a teenager in the house. Yesterday, I brought the subject up (for the umpteenth time) and she said that it was basically my responsibility to wake her up early and then she can get into the same sleeping pattern as me. Bearing in mind that this has been the way of things for about 2 years....

 

She also suffers from depression. I find this really hard to deal with at times, especially as I'm still coping with bereavement....so I really don't find it helpful to be around someone who says things like: "Oh, wouldn't it be better if the human race just died out quickly" and stuff like that. I actually find some of what she says quite startling. I consider myself to be quite a positive and upbeat person, who gets an "off day" now and then, just like everybody else and while I do try to be understanding, I'm starting to feel like she is dragging me down with her.

 

Her lack of ambition is also starting to bother me - I'm very motivated, work hard, stick to my guns and get on with things and just generally make a go of it. My partner just doesn't seem to really want to do much and tries to get away with the bare minimum, which is not really an option when you're trying to keep a roof over your head! I suppose that ties in with the whole depression thing.

 

I try to bring these issues up and approach it in a calm and sensitive way, but she just starts getting hysterical and cries, so I leave it. We've started bickering a lot recently as well and we have some differing viewpoints on some quite important subjects that often lead to us getting into really heated debates that seem to stir up resentment. At least, that's how it is for me.

 

The bottom line is that if I'm totally honest, I don't find her attractive anymore and we are more like room-mates than a couple. I love her, but I'm not "in love" with her. I could go on, but it would make for a huge post!

 

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or overtly harsh....or maybe it's just a bad patch and things will pick up again...? I don't know. As I said, I often fantasize about what it would be like to be single again...is this how partners are supposed to be? Is the reality of relationships? I really feel at the end of my tether and I actually said that to her last night, after yet another argument over something really trivial. I'm going to try and sit down with her today and see if I can tell her how I feel about the relationship...

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts/feedback on this. Many thanks in advance.

[offplanet]

As you're no longer in love with her and don't find her attractive and feel more like room mates you should get out of the relationship. Don't get trapped into staying with someone you're not actually happy with, just because it might seem too hard to leave. You're right to have the talk to her. I hope you don't get talked into staying with her, as so often happens it seems. You shouldn't keep living with her even as 'friends'. You would be dragged down by her, and also you would be trapped with her because of her not wanting to let you go. You have every right to take the chance of finding happiness with someone else eventually, and of being single until then.

[jpr73]

Well, we had the talk yesterday and she took it pretty well, all things considered. We both agreed that we hadn't been happy for about a year. In fairness, we have been through a lot together and she has been very supportive through illness and family bereavement, which all happened within the first two years of our relationship. We do have a deep connection on many levels, but there are numerous fundamental differences that I feel won't make it work long term. Saying that, this has been the deepest relationship I have ever had and I'm very worried that I could be making a mistake...? Perhaps it's normal to feel like this...but it really hurts already and feels like such a wrench. I hate hurting someone's feelings. I know she has negative traits but that doesn't detract from the fact that she is a supportive, caring person with a good heart. I feel utterly devastated right now and again, not really sure if this isn't something that could be saved.....