Not new- In love with straight best friend

[vdt]

Hi everyone, I had been thinking a lot before I typed this long post.Please read it and please give me your opinions.

 

I dont really know where to start.

 

Sometimes in March last year, when my family went to the party , We met this guy named Dan.At first I really did not like him at all. But he really liked my sister ( my sister was also at the party with me ). Weeks later my sister and he were talkinh a lot to each other and started to see each other. Then I tried to speak with him.Since then, I have been friends with him and I started to like him because he was nice to me. And I helped him a lot , and really like him to be with my sister.

 

Then I started to have feelings for him as time went by. At first, when we had fights, he was always the one said sorry to me first.And i always forgave him. Then later, there was something changed in him.We also heard a lot of rumors about him. His step mom ( who is really a bad woman ) said bad things about him to my mother. But at first we did not believe it. Sometimes in June, he moved in my house and stayed in the same room with me. We got really close at that time.We had fun together.

 

Then in September, I told him that his step mom often stabbed in his back and told bad things about him to my mom,me and my sister. He was really sad and I always there for him because i loved him so much. No one in my family knows this. Outside I always supported him and my sister, but inside I was hurt a lot but i couldnt do anything else.Then he tried to commit suicide several times, all of his other friends knew this and tried to help him also. I was thinking that he just wanted to make my sister love him more but i wasnt sure and was always there with him cause i am afraid he would hurt him self.

 

I was so in love with him that I could do anything to help and make him happy, even that was hurting myself by making him and my sister get closer. We had a lot of fights but normally we just got back to normal one day after.By the end of this year, he got caught by helping his brother. His brother was jailed and he asked Dan to bring a bit Cannabis for him to the prison. He was stupid enough to do that then he got caught.That night he did not come back home no matter what I said ( I still did not know the reason he got caught at that time ) . But later on , I was told that he was caught because of driving without licence, I believed him. His other close friend also confirmed that. two days later, he had to appear in caught and he needed 2000 dollars to be bailed out. His friend just rang me up and told me the situation then I managed to borrow 2000 from the bank and made a statement to prove that I had that amount of money.

 

Then me and his other close friend ( Gany ) went to the police station to bail him out. When i receive the paperwork from the police, I was shocked to know the real reason he got caught but I couldnt do anything else. I really loved him and did not want him to be kept in jail, so i decided to bail him out. I was a bit angry at Gany because he lied to me. But straight after that, he told me everything that happened on the day Dan got caught and asked me not to Dan that he had told me that. Later on, I called Dan and he said he was so scared to even look at my face, he was ashamed of himself.

One week later, me and my mom and my sister went to other country to have holidays and he came after that one week. But since then, my sister did not speak with him no more ,he was very upset and cried a lot, I was sad also. I stayed up late with him just to listen to him and he said that I was the only one listened to him now.I was happy that i could help him at least this way. But he has started to change since.I could feel that from him. He still went out together, ate together, still had fights and got back to normal. The day he flied back home, after my sister told me bad things about him, i was angry at him. since then, he moved out of my house and it now is very hard to contact him.

 

I am so confused right now , I dont know who to believe in no more. I loved him too much to accept that he moved out, and hurt a lot when i thought he may have lied to me all the times.I even get more hurt when thinking that maybe he only used me. But when i confronted him and asked him that I dont want to be used . he was upset and said that even when he broke up with my sister, he still sees me as his close friend. I dont know, I am so down atm. I dont know what to do no more. My parents dont want me to be friend with him and they think he is bad to me. But i still somehow believe he is a nice guy. He did not hesitate to tell me about his not-so-good history and he begged me to give him a chance.

 

The post is too long now, please tell me what you think . If you want to ask anything, please go ahead.Thanks million in advanced

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[passions1]

I would say based on his lies, deceit that would be enough for anyone to stop any friendship or relationship with this guy. Nobody wants to be around a person they can't trust. Trust is the fundamentals to any relationship whether it be with family, friends, coworkers. Without the relationship will die. If you stay his friend you will suffer, you are still young & can meet plenty of other people who are nice & genuine. I'm sure he's going through his phases & will have to learn on his own how to grow up. That's why you need to stay away from him, so he can search for his identity himself, plus he needs professional counseling. I'm thinking that you would be going through this "bad boy" syndrome, where you like feeling needed & the idea of helping this guy out. However, the fact that you were always there for him & supporting him through his hard times through jail, he still could not be honest with you upfront. Which should tell your intuition alot!

[DN]

What is it that you want from him. Just friendship? because that is going to be hard if you love him. A relationship? that is going to be even harder if he is straight.

 

Does he know you are gay?

 

That being said, this guy sounds like bad news for you and your family. I know you love him but he sounds toxic to me. Perhaps you are better off without him being around. Try to think without letting your emotions cloud your judgement.

[vdt]

Thanks passion1, I really appreciate your reply. He was afraid to tell me the truth because once i told him that My parents and sister do not like anyone who got caught or had problems with the police. Plus he lost his mom since he was very young and his dad left him to live with his step mom. He has been lacking of love, i think.

 

He is not a bad guy, but the environment he was living in made him bad. He told me and swore he would change to become a good guy different to who he was four years ago. And anytime he told me about his past , he was sad and cried a lot.

 

During the time he tried to commit suicide, all of us tried to help him. Even his friend Gany said to me that " just let him help himself, we have been manipulated and he is only seeking attention , let him know we are willing to help but he has to help him help us , dont rush to his calls , but if he hurt himself, we will call the police "

[vdt]

Thanks Dn,

 

he doesnt know that I am gay. he is straight I think, but I am even more manly than him. he is like a kid sometimes.once I brought up the homosexuality issue and talked with him and asked him what he thinks if he knows one of his close friend is gay . he said he would accept it . He said he only judge people by their insides, not outsides. But i am still afraid to come out the truth and i wont . I love him so much , more than anyelse but i only keep that for myself, I just want us to be close friends.

[DN]

Let me ask you another personal question if I may: does any one else close to you know that you are gay?

 

If not, then my suggestions for you would be entirely different that if you are 'out'. I am thinking you are probably not 'out' but want to be sure.

[vdt]

No, no one knows .

 

 

Sometimes I feel very upset with the way i am because i am not like other normal guys but i am trying to accept with what i was born with.

But sometimes i also really confused . I did dream of guysbut I did also sometimes dream of naked women . I dont know why

[DN]

I am not gay so I cannot imagine what you are going through on a personal level. But your first job is to get your own sexual identity sorted out. Get some better help than I can give you here to make sure that you are gay. I would think that you probably are and the naked women thing is normal for gays but I don't know. Maybe some gays on this site can help you there.

 

Once you have established that you are gay, then forget about your love for this guy. It will always be unrequited and will lead nowhere. He doesn't seem much of a friend anyway but it's your choice if you want to remain friends. But realise he is a distraction from what you need to sort out in your life.

 

I have a couple of gay friends who have been together for ten years. One is flamboyantly gay, the other was in the closet for a long time. He told me it was the hardest thing for him to come out because of his fear about what his parents, siblings and friends thought.

 

You should give serious thought to coming out, asking for your family's support and finding romantic interests where you really want to. There is a strong possibility they already know or suspect.

 

Seek support groups for advice, think hard about what you want and don't let your friend dstract you from what you need to do for yourself.

[vdt]

thanks DN, but it definitely will be a No No from my parents. They are very traditional. Being homo bor bisex would go against tradition. And i am 80% sure i am gay as I am always attracted to guys.

 

They do not want me to hang out with Dan no more because they think he has been briging more harm than good.

 

Anyone please help me, thanks million in advanced.

[NotGay,Really]

Vdt, right now it really doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. It is possible that your feelings about this will continue to change; or you may be gay. Right now you need to form a larger circle of friends and acquaintances.

 

Your friend Dan sounds like bad news to me. The biggest issue is honesty. You must look in your heart and figure out whether Dan has been honest or dishonest with you. Your feelings may have been clouding your judgement. Hard to believe, but there are many people who are happy to take advantage of a good hearted friend.

 

You need to have trustworthy friends with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. It seems unlikely that this will happen if you continue to concentrate on Dan. You do not have to hate him, or push him away. But make an effort to develop a wider circle of friends, both male and female. You may be surprised at where one of these friendships may lead.

 

I hope you will be happy.

[darkaubrey]

Hi Vtd, sorry i didnt reply sooner.

 

I am more or less in the same boat as you. I am only 16, not in love per say, but i have a huge attraction to one of my friends. Me and him have known each other for about to years now, I would do anything to be close to him. I am not open to anyonen but my best friend, my family is the same as yours *traditional* if i was to come out they would freak, its completely against our religion, and my mom just thinks gays are nasty.

Well, the only thing that has helped me was to tell someone about the way i felt. Maybe you should just try talking to one of your friends about it, just make sure it is one you trust and know wont tell anyone. Getting it out is one of the times you actually feel as though something was lifted off of you.

 

I know thats not the best advice, but it made me feel better.

[vdt]

Thanks a lot darkaubrey , So i am not the only one in this world stuck in this situation.

 

Its been more than two weeks I havent spoken with him.I am still overseas.But we still sms each other everyday. I am still in the state of confusion.My own family do not like me hanging out with him . my dad doesnt like homo , and both of them think homo is way nasty and some kind of disease.They blame me if I call him or even sms him, or even chat with him, they even called him and told him not to sms me. Then I will never come out the truth.

 

Valentine day, I went with a girl ( also my best friend ) , my parents knew it and they looked really happy which makes me feel even worse. Its like I have to hide my true feelings and it keeps weighing on me day after day. My parents keep saying bad things about him just to make me not hang out with him no more. I still trust and love Dan but what if my parents are right bout him.

 

I know my parents want good things for me but they dont understand how i am feeling and at some points, I hate them so much. I am ok at days but feel real bad at nights. I miss him so much but I dont think there is any chance that i will be as close to him as I used to be before.