no contact - then what?

[twelve]

I have done the no contact thing and I do think it is a good idea after a break up.

but then what?

if you are both doing it, and the break up was not one sided, but more out of conflict, who is supposed to initiate contact?

 

wouldn't that person then be seen as the weak one?

and that person then be viewed as the one at fault by making contact?

just curious

[Bibora]

Hi.

Well guess you broke up as i did... In a conflict... But tell me, when you broke up, any of you told the other, that they wouldn't want to see the other anymore? And was it pretty bad?

I can tell you that in my case, she was the one that told me she didn't want to see me anymore (she also broke up). 5 weeks later she asked me to meet her, cause she had a few things to tell me and that was it. Again i meet her, and as she said it was just to say me what she had to say and then it was over. At least that is what i assume from what she told me. So i'll respect that. She knows where i am and how to contact me. It's her move, not mine.

In your case, did any of this happened? Did someone cut contact like this?

At least this would be how i would "play" along...

[twelve]

interesting that she initiated contact to tell you some things and then said it was over.

how did she say it was over?

maybe she wants you to take a step now.

she may have been too afraid to do all the crawling back...

[twelve]

you told the other, that they wouldn't want to see the other anymore? And was it pretty bad?

 

Yeh I started off saying I was fed up, she told me I was overreatcing, turned it around, then I said if thats the way you see it I dont want to know you, so she said the same....

so we both ceased contact with supposed "closure"

I want to contact her to apologise for stupid things I realise I have done, but am afriad of looking weak, as I also was proud to take a stand against her rubbish.

(was not all my fault)

so I dont know who should contact

[twelve]

In your case, did any of this happened? Did someone cut contact like this?

 

I did.

Out of anger.

Now I want to talk things through, but stuff has been said....

[Bibora]

how did she say it was over?

maybe she wants you to take a step now.

she may have been too afraid to do all the crawling back...

 

Well in our last meeting, before it actually happen, she sent me a silly email, telling me she wanted to say me something, and put some stupid rules, and actually the 1st one, she told me was that she didn't want me back, and one of the others was that i couldn't touch her... And knowing her as well as i do, if she says it, its because she means it... She is very honest. Maybe she waiting for a move of me, but would you talk with someone who doesn't trust you, and accused you of things that not even i would accuse my worst enemy (if i had one...).

 

I did.

Out of anger.

Now I want to talk things through, but stuff has been said....

 

Well, if you overreact why don't you try to contact the other person? Tell that you are truly sorry for what you did and said. It's true you cannot change it, but at least you can be honest and tell how you feel. But you have to realise the other person might not react at all to this. But at least is something you take out of yourself.

 

I know how it is to be burning inside, wishing we can tell the other person we are truly sorry for what we did. Sometimes i feel that... But i already told her i'm truly sorry, and still it hurts...

[sonjam]

When people break up, and have NC, it's about being over. Not about who makes the first move after that.

 

I think you should let it go. The point of NC is to cut that person out of your life, and move on. It's not about waiting awhile for a "cool off period".

 

It's about being over. With this in mind, think of what you want to acchieve by telling her anything. If it is trully all you want to say, that you are sorry, but with no alterior motives. Then say it, and go your merry way.

 

if you did it for other reasons, you are not healing and getting over this relationship.

[Bibora]

I guess i agree with sonjam. Im taking it as a way to move on, and just forget about what happen. But i don't know if she is doing the same, and i must be prepared for an eventuallity of she contact me. And not the way around. From me she won't hear anything anymore.

[keefy1972]

Hey Nine, I have to say that in any break-up there are things that are said that are not really meant. Be it out of anger, trauma from the break up, or just out of plain malisciousness. Either way, if you have said some things that you feel in your heart you need to apologize for, which is what happened to me, then see her and clear your conscious. I did and it felt like a heavy burden had been lifted. I love my ex very much and never wanted to do or say anything that would hurt her, but in the heat of the moment, I did. I felt awful for it and was eventually in a position to say I'm sorry in person. It really felt good to let go of that guilt. I could tell that she knew I was genuinely sorry and have since been able to let it go.

 

We are doing no contact and I am having a hard time because I miss her very much, but I am not wanting to talk to her because I know if things dont go the way I want, I may end up saying something stupid again. I am using this time wisely and trying to distance myself from her. Basically, I am saying that you should do what is going to make YOU feel better and make it easier to move on.

[twelve]

thanks to all of you guys, keefy, bibora, sonjam..

you are all right.

i used NC because i truly thought i wanted it over, but now as time had gone on i have had second thought, but maybe I am forgetting the bad things she did to me.

I still would like to clear my conscience, and it would also be nice knowing that she wouldn't think of me as those nasty things I said, but for being the bigger person and apologising, and being honest.

Itd be harder for her to hate me.

Yeh i'm wishing for a reconcile, but she told me just before the 2nd fight that i had broken her heart and she still loved me, so its hard to let go as i still love her.

(interesting that i broke her heart when she stopped calling me the first time...wanted me to call....game player)

ANYWAY *deep breath* lol

 

BUt you are right sonjam, I need to do it for the right reasons.

though NC can sometimes make people realise what they've lost and what could be fixed as well as being a time to move on...its hard to know what to do!

if we could just TALK, things would be ok!

*SCREAMS*

Ive learnt and grown and i want her to know that...

 

bibora: It seems to be on your consience the bad things you said or did, but you are angry at the ex also.

I would consider apologising but also like Ive been told, not expect anything from it, do it for your own release, you will not be guilty.

why is is that she wanted to be on contact again?

putting her rules aside, why did she do this?she obviously wants to be friends and not complicate things, isn't that a good sign?

 

[Bibora]

bibora: It seems to be on your consience the bad things you said or did, but you are angry at the ex also.

I would consider apologising but also like Ive been told, not expect anything from it, do it for your own release, you will not be guilty.

why is is that she wanted to be on contact again?

putting her rules aside, why did she do this?she obviously wants to be friends and not complicate things, isn't that a good sign?

 

 

 

I did told her in our last meeting i was truly sorry, that i wished none of what i did happened. But i wasn't the only one doing mistakes there... I'm just doing NC to see if i get her over my head, and start living my life. If friendship is to happen i can't keep on having these feeling i have for her now. I could send her another email telling that i'm really sorry. And try to be friends with her. But i don't see it as a smart option now...

On the other hand, maybe she doesn't contact me, cause i once told her, that if she would break up with me, i wouldn't want to know anything about her, which is true. At this moment i don't want to know, because the more i know the more it hurts. Knowing less hurts less.

But our story is far more complicated than you can imagine.... I can tell you in a PM if you are interested...

[twelve]

of course, pm me your story, things are always complicated, no two relationships the same so the more i know, the better advice I can give.