Being "friends" vs Reestablishing contact

[goddesstobe]

Many stories involve a period of no contact and then a reestablishment of contact, both text/phone and in person. In action, being "friends" with an ex and this period of contact seem similar, but there must be a difference. From what I can understand:

 

1. When you're "friends" with the ex, you act like a desperate friendzoned person whereas when you're reestablishing contact, you're coming with no plans or expectations and putting yourself first (and thus treating them like a real friend).

2. During reestablishing contact, dumpees let the dumpers lead with contact.

 

Does anyone else have better insight into this?

 

Note: We all know that the least confusing path is to not respond to anything until your ex begs for you back, but that's not the best path for every situation. Just keep in mind that those posts won't add to the discussion. Thanks!

[greta96]

You can't be friends with an ex, especially when you're the one who was dumped. If someone was to tell me that they were perfectly ok with being downgraded from "significant other" to "friend", against their wish, I would have trouble believing, because it's just not possible. Once you have romantic feelings towards someone, you just can't be cool about them dating others, seeing them with others, without feeling pangs of jealousy.

And if a dumpee tries to re-establish contact, it will always be seen as desperate, just as desperate as staying "friends" is. In both situations, the only thing the dumpees accomplish is putting themselves through more pain and anxiety, and setting themselves up for FWB relationships and being used until the dumpers find someone else they want to start relationships with.

 

IMO the only way two people can get back together is if the dumpers realize they made a mistake by ending the relationship, and make serious efforts to mend things. The initiative has to come from the dumpers though, and the dumpees need to think long and hard before giving them a second chance. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. Anything else is just desperation on the dumpees' part, and refusal to let go - which is annoying to the dumpers and usually has disaster written all over.

[mhowe]

Using NC as a means of separating and then re-establishing contact in a prescribed and yet mysterious manner will not bring your ex back.

 

The only thing that brings an ex back ----- is the mind of the ex.

[blanco]

You can't be friends with an ex, especially when you're the one who was dumped. If someone was to tell me that they were perfectly ok with being downgraded from "significant other" to "friend", against their wish, I would have trouble believing, because it's just not possible. Once you have romantic feelings towards someone, you just can't be cool about them dating others, seeing them with others, without feeling pangs of jealousy.

 

I don't agree. I think it's true in a lot of cases, but I've experienced it to not be a definite. It's too early to say if I'll ever be able to be more than friendly with my most recent ex. She's not a bad person, but it was a toxic relationship and a lot of stuff went down and we've taken separate approaches to healing from the end of the relationship.

 

The one before that; the only girl I've dated who I could see myself actually marrying, she dumped me and it took me more than two years to finally get over it. We went through periods of no or limited communication. We didn't see each other for more than two years, which at that point, was about three and a half since we'd broken up. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all. I was with my most recent ex at the time; I think she was seeing someone, too.

 

She doesn't live here anymore, but still visits a few times a year to see her family and we almost always find a way to link up. It's not uncomfortable at all, and we're both very much at peace with our platonic relationship. I still think she's amazing and attractive, but those feelings just aren't there for me, and I would assume the feeling is mutual. It's great. She's been dating a guy for about a year and a half. Hearing about him or seeing photos of them together does nothing to me. Keep in mind I'm the type of guy who almost wants to die if I hear about a recent ex seeing someone.

 

It's been an odd journey for us, and maybe if she lived here still it would be a bit different. Either way, I'm glad we were able to detach for a while, because she's a genuinely good friend now.

[lilygirl]

It is impossible to predict as every situation is different. The possibility of friendship with an ex depends on so many things, how your relationship ended, and in my experience it really depends on the maturity of the parties involved and the mutual desire to be friends.

 

I ended a very long relationship a few years ago and I am so thankful that my ex and I can be friends. We are not in each other's lives on a daily basis by any means but we keep in touch by text and meet up occasionally for dinner etc. I was with him for half of my adult life and even though it didn't work out for us as a couple I would have considered it to be an even bigger heartbreak to never speak to him again.

 

My most recent ex contacted me after 8 months of no contact and we weren't ready for... anything. Four months later I opened the lines of communication, and we were having some good conversation by email, kept in touch occasionally and it was nice, but then he made the assumption that I was looking for a FWB situation which he was interested in pursuing, so we don't talk anymore.

 

I think the reason that I can be friends with my long term ex is because we both gave our relationship our all and it just didn't work. And we both know that. The most recent ex and I separated not due to incompatibility or a lack of feelings but due to outside life circumstances and I think we have unfinished business so friendship is not possible.