Is she still into girls?

[Losername]

I'd love some helpful suggestions on this matter:

 

I'm 30+ now and about to meet an old classmate from highschool (a gal ofc this saturday. Havent seen her for at least 5 years. We click and get on well but I quit meeting her back in the day (we 'dated' a few times 3 years after we finished highschool) because she is kinda looney. And I would have ended up licking the jar from the outside a.k.a. 'friendzone loser'. She is very sensitive and some 'bad' guys broke her heart in the highschool days. This paired with a family drama caused her to flip out for a while. But when she got her 'sanity' back she turned almost 95% lesbian. She sometimes has a BF but nothing for too long or serious. From an extrovert person, she's now full of life, exceptionally beautiful, natural, open, daring... a dreamgirl. (So the drama part of her life shook her back to a much more natural state of being than she used to be in highschool.) Except for her sexuality. But 5 years have gone by and I know that she's not a 'natural born' lesbian. She's been turned into one by abusive/selfish boyfriends, stalkers and whatnot. So when saturday comes how will I be able to scan if she's the same lesbian I knew or has she reverted already? She's very smiley, touchy and has no problem with excessive eye-contact and we've known eachother for 17 years now, so its really hard for me to see which ones might be the 'kiss me' signs.I wont hang around if she's still excluding men from her love-/sex-life. But she is so precious and extraordinary that I am willing to walk a few extra miles. But only a few!

 

Any suggestions?

[mhowe]

Ask her. Listen to her response.

[Losername]

I get your sarcasm, but asking it flat-out goes against my very basic interest. If she is open to men then she definitely wants an apha male type, not some1 who asks questions like 'are you still into girls or can i be your boyfriend?' or '...girls or will i be ok for you too?'. You see? It communicates weakness. Thats why I never ask girls these kind of questions. I usually read the signs and signals they give, and I read them pretty well most of the time. But she's a lot harder to read.

[mhowe]

Since 5 years have gone by, I would not assume kissing is on the table during this encounter, regardless of her sexual orientation.

 

If she is so "precious and extraordinary", I would think adding her to the friend roster, regardless of her sexual orientation, would be a win/win.

 

And finally, I don't think that a Non "natural born lesbian" (sic) is more prone to switch hitting throughout her life.

 

I don't think asking shows weakness ---- I think it shows blatant insensitivity and is solely focused on your agenda.

[Losername]

My 'agenda' includes quite a lot of fun for her as well, so I dont think thats selfish of me. And constantly holding back my feelings and intentions to fake to her that I'm ok with being only friends is just too much of a sacrifice imho. She'd never do that for me. In general - its not worth for anyone in any situation and I would not expect any1 to do this for me either. She'd take up my energy that I could give to other women who actually give something in return or enjoy my attention in a sexual/emotional way.

 

But I got you! And you are nasty! You suggested me to do something that is disrespectful to her. Which means you wanted me to fail. Thats not so nice of you... But its ok, your judgements have also been forged in the fire of unmanliness, so I'll have to carry their cross.

 

FYI: She contacted me out of the blue on facebook. I dont have pictures, I dont comment or like, I'm not tagged anywhere. I have the most puritan FB account you can imagine and only use it to keep in touch with friends whom I cant meet phisically. So I didnt lure or provoke her into contacting me. She wrote a wall of text, detailing her life and asked me out right away. So I literally did nothing to attract her, and I dont really have an agenda. She contacted me, I still like her and would love to love her, but I'm not killing myself with an impossible goal again. Had too much of that...

[mhowe]

My ask her was sarcastic ---

 

Your agenda is your agenda --- and may have no bearing on hers. If she is a lesbian, then she has reached out to you in friendship. So, you cannot have a lesbian as a friend?

 

Holding back your feelings? You haven't seen her in years. So your "feelings" may be premature.

 

"You like her and would love to love her"....speaks again, to your agenda. Perhaps she seeks friendship, or just a walk down memory lane?

 

Perhaps your meeting with her should aim solely at accepting her, regardless of her sexual identity?

[Clinton]

She's bisexual. And you don't get "turned" into that, you just are.

 

Nobody knows if she'll be interested in you. Ask her on a couple of romantic dates, see how she responds.

 

Regardless, she sounds like someone who would be worthwhile just as a friend if she's not into a relationship.

[mhowe]

So when saturday comes how will I be able to scan if she's the same lesbian I knew or has she reverted already?

 

Priceless.

[Losername]

I'm really thankful for the effort you put in replying to me, but I dont think you get my problem. I do accept and adore her the way she is. Never asked her to change. I dont have feelings for her yet, but I did and I know I will if me meet again. No matter how 'smart' I am, step by step she gets into my heart and head as the desired one. Her vibrant personality is just too much for me to resist coupled with her exceptional beauty. And I dont want to 'man up' in this sense. I do want to feel this way if I meet such a girl of extraorinary human qualities. And I dont want to hold myself back from any beautiful girl. If they dont like me it hurts a little, but I move on and I forget her. Thats what I did with her too.

 

You tell me I should accept the friend status if I really like her... How about she accepting the girlfriend status if she really likes me? See how absurd it is if you revert it? Are you saying that being a friend means denying my identity to fit her identity? I think both should be kept in their original state. If they fit well together its ok, but if not then noone should sacrifice him-/herself just to avoid hurting the other one. And I walk the talk as you see... 5 years ago I walked away with a broken heart. I dont want to do that again, simple as that...

[Losername]

...........................

[Losername]

So when saturday comes how will I be able to scan if she's the same lesbian I knew or has she reverted already?

 

Priceless.

 

Ok, kill me for that one. Still not bad from a non-native speaker.

[mhowe]

If she offers you friendship, it is because she wants a friend. If you reject it --- because she doesn't like men in a sexual way ---- that is absurd.

 

Yes, being a friend to HER is to accept her identity.

 

What you think about her "original state" is beyond comprehension. She is who she is.

 

Your broken heart is due to unrealistic expectations. She does not love men in a romantic way.

[Clinton]

You'll never know unless you try. Are you ok with her bisexuality though? Cuz that isn't going to change

[Losername]

Or maybe she does, I'll soon know...

 

Should we really go on with this: 'because she doesn't like men in a sexual way' thing? Here's my version for that: 'because I dont like women in a non-sexual way'. This can only be because im a -brained, heartless bastard, who uses women as a way of masturbation and display of social status, right? Or maybe because I'm a man - I know this goes against your opinion, but we'll deal with this somehow...

 

I did not get the answer I wanted, but you still made me learn a lot. First of all, that its stupid to ask questions like this in general. Life will give me answer on the spot, and that will be good enough. Impatience drove me here, and a 'peaceful, easy feeling' will drive me away. No matter if its the girl herself or these kind of forums, if life wants to hold back an answer, it will. Now I see I cant get around that. And I thank you for leading me to this conclusion. (I like it you did it harsh - compared to my own standards.)

[mhowe]

'because she doesn't like men in a sexual way' thing? Here's my version for that: 'because I dont like women in a non-sexual way'.

 

If that isn't about your own agenda, I don't know what to say.

 

No, I don't think you are any of those things. Perhaps ignorant in the knowledge of sexual identity, but not mean spirited.

[Losername]

You'll never know unless you try. Are you ok with her bisexuality though? Cuz that isn't going to change

 

Thanks dude, I've just arrived to the same conclusion. Sorry for robbing your time. I'm fine if she sleeps with other women, I'm fine with threesome and stuff, but when it comes to love... thats a bit harder. But the hardest part is the beginning steps, so if I make it through those, I'll be ok.

[happy_snapper]

Two problems with your question:

1) Nobody can really answer it. It's one of those things that's down to the individual.

2) It's irrelevant. The question you should be asking is if she's into you or not. And you're the only person who can find that out.

[Losername]

Maybe we have a misunderstanding about what 'agenda' means? To me it seems like a plan according to which I want to transform her and arrange our life to my own liking? Or something similar to this must be in your head.

 

If I have anything that could be called an 'agenda', it goes like this: 'Lets see if something changed and we fit together or lets hang out once or twice and then go on with our lives.'

 

I dont know your sexual identity, but anyways... Would you be willing to be around somebody who makes you go bat-crazy fall in love, yet you cant touch him/her? Hug, kiss, etc? Would you enjoy that? Would you withstand the attack of your own feelings just to make sure she/he does not feel like having to choose between a love affair or total abandonment? Are you saying I should supress my feelings and instincts and act like a friend, because wanting a relationship would tell her I'm willing to throw away our 'friendship'? I think you are extremely biased. No kind of relationship works when some1 has to fake an identity to be acceptable to the other. And I just dont get it why you trying to push me that direction. Its like initiating a friendship from her part involves higher quality feelings towards me, than me initiating love affair towards her. Like her friendship feelings are much more valuable, and I should take my nasty romantic elsewhere. Or I might have got it wrong... But to me thats what you are saying. Are you really?

[happy_snapper]

I agree that if you are massively attracted to her, but she isn't into you, then a friendship isn't going to work. You need to meet her and see how you feel.

You say you dated before, so I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her that you're still really attracted to her and that being friends would feel too awkward.

[Losername]

I agree that if you are massively attracted to her, but she isn't into you, then a friendship isn't going to work. You need to meet her and see how you feel.

You say you dated before, so I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her that you're still really attracted to her and that being friends would feel too awkward.

 

Yes, she knows I was into her. But I dont know if she refused me because she is a lesbian, or she just simply didnt like me as a man. But anyways, she knew that there was still a possibility that I will want her to be my lover yet she re-contacted me again. But I dont know if she contaced me out of curiosity or she accepted that I will probably approach her the same way as last time. So I wanted to know what signs to look for to see this as clearly as possible. But I guess - given the situation we have - the only sure sign would be a kiss or a more than friendly hug or something (which usually man initiate or at least are supposed to). So yeah, I'll see... nothing more to guess here.

[Losername]

It says I cant edit my post so I repost it here:

 

Maybe we have a misunderstanding about what 'agenda' means? To me it seems like a plan according to which I want to transform her and arrange our life to my own liking? Or something similar to this must be in your head.

 

If I have anything that could be called an 'agenda', it goes like this: 'Lets see if something changed and we fit together or lets hang out once or twice and then go on with our lives.'

 

I dont know your sexual identity, but anyways... Would you be willing to be around somebody who makes you go bat-crazy fall in love, yet you cant touch him/her? Hug, kiss, etc? Would you enjoy that? Would you withstand the attack of your own feelings just to make sure she/he does not feel like having to choose between a love affair or total abandonment? Are you saying I should supress my feelings and instincts and act like a friend, because wanting a relationship would tell her I'm willing to throw away our 'friendship'? I think you are extremely biased. No kind of relationship works when some1 has to fake an identity to be acceptable to the other. And I just dont get it why you trying to push me that direction. Its like initiating a friendship from her part involves higher quality feelings towards me, than me initiating love affair towards her. Like her friendship feelings are much more valuable, and I should take my nasty romantic elsewhere. Or I might have got it wrong... But to me thats what you are saying. Are you really?

 

I dunno why, but you made me want to prove myself:

 

My dad died in October, her dad is really sick and is on the verge of dying. BEFORE focusing on, arranging a meeting I spontaenously focused on helping her father. Introduced them to a 'wonder doctor' (that guy really is, well known and sought for his healing skills worldwide). And even though his father refused to go to any doctor for months, he instantly took my offer and visited the doctor this morning. I pre-paid 4 sessions and lied to both the girl and the father that it was the doc who gave it to them for free. I didnt want any thanking for what I did ( I feared they would not accept it), or wanted anything in exchange for that. I would have done it even if we never meet again. I know wanting to prove you anything is kind of pathetic, but it hurts me that you suppose I only want to use her for my own purposes. I'm generally a loving and honest man - I suppose, I just dont like being hurt.

[SophieGrace]

Why don't you just ask her, "So are you dating anyone these days?" It's a normal question in conversation between two people who haven't seen each other in awhile and may open the door to mentioning the last relationship she was in.