Unhappily Married with Children

[mrpozitive]

I think the post from Dazzed and Confused "Leaving my wife...." touches on some issues that I'm going through. I'm glad that I found this forum and hopefully I can get some feed back that will help.

 

I'm unhappily married with 2 children (ages 4 and 2). My wife and I got married shortly after our first child was born. To be honest, I think we got married because it was "the right thing to do". We were dating when my wife got pregnant. We had talked about marriage prior to the pregnancy, but nothing planned. I feel that we loved each other when we got married, but over the short number of years we've been together, I think the love has dissolved.

 

The topic of separation has come up several times between my wife and I. She would bring it up the majority of the times, generally after a heated argument. I tend to be a positive person, but throughout our marriage my wife has made several negative statements/comments about the future of our relationships. In a nutshell, the statements/comments that she made suggested that we would not be together in the future. For the most part, I would ignore these statements, but over the years they have made me feel like the relationship wasn't going to last.

 

We've gone to marriage counseling (for at least 2.5 months), and the counselor gave great advice to help us salvage the relationship. However, neither of us did the assignments or continued to follow through on advice.

 

To make things even more complicated, I've started having an affair with a woman and I think I'm falling in love with her. I'm so happy when I'm with her and when I speak with her. She knows my situation and wants to step back so I can make the right decision, based on my own feelings. She doesn't want to cloud my decision. My primary concern is for the kids. I love them and I'm afraid of what it would be like not to see them everyday and hear the calls of "Daddy ...Daddy!" as I walk in the door. I think I would be okay financially, although the state of MD is tough on guys when it comes to separation and divorce. My wife is a stay-at-home mom and she is a student in Grad school, so I'm almost sure that she would get alimony.

 

I don't want to come accross as being selfish, but I also need to be happy too. Can anyone give any advice?

[faeriechyld]

First of all, you're right, I live in MD too and when my parents were separating my dad went through a lot of crap with my mom. She left saying she wanted nothing more than the little she took. But I don't think she would have asked for more had it not been for her lawyer pressuring her to try and get more. My dad lost of lot of money, and in the end it was for nothing because she got sick and they halted the divorce, shortly after she died.

As far as the children, I can give some insight into what they are feeling. My parents split when I was almost out of high school, your kids are quite obviously a lot younger. Younger children tend to blame themselves for divorces because they don't understand. But staying with you wife is only going to hurt them more in the long run because they may witness mommy and daddy fighting even if you try to prevent it.

The good thing about living in Maryland is that you cannot divorce until you have been separated one full year. I would suggest separating and seeing how you feel. Agree on a joint custody of the children. You can have a separation agreement, a woman at my work is doing that. Also, is your wife a good mother? Does she take care of your children or does her negativity also enter into her relationship with them? You may want to fight to get full custody of the children. It's not going to be easy, but I think you could do it and in the long run she wouldn't receive as much money from you. But yes, she would probably get alimony. Especially since you are having an affair.

It seems to me that both of you have given up on trying to stay together, if you both didn't attempt the assignments given to you by the therapist. I know the children are one of the main reasons you are staying with her, but speaking from experience, it tends to hurt them more by trying to stay together when the marriage is falling apart.

I don't know if I helped any, but I wish you luck.

[mrpozitive]

Thank you faeriechyld for your reply. It was helpful. My wife is a great mom. She does a great job at nuturing the children. I know that her mom was a stay-at-home mom too, so I'm sure she benefited and was able to pass it to our children.

 

Although we do our best not to argue in front of the children, it happens at times. I know that it's not good for them to see us fight and after all is said and done we apologize to the children. You are right when you said that I'm staying for the children. I am and I'm terrified of the effect it will have on them. My parents divorced, however I was older when it happened. I think my dad stayed for me and my brothers.

 

I think my wife knows that things are getting to the ending point, and I've noticed that she is putting more effort into trying to hold on to the relationship. I've just fallen out of love with her and to be honest, I'm not sure if I want to work things out. She is a good person, and we get along for the most part. I just think we've grown apart and probably got married prematurely.

[Jade Chan]

Hi,

 

I too have the similar situation as yours. My wife and I married for 14 years with 2 children. She loved me dearly for the first 4 years, then after the first child born, she loved the children 100%, and didn't love me anymore in the recent 10 years, not even interested in sex anymore, not even allow me to touch her.

 

I have observed from my own and many of my friends' experience that (not a sex discrimination), women before 18 loved their parents mostly, then they love their boyfriend/husband mostly, then after first child-birth, they turn to love their children 90-100%!! Correct me if I am wrong.

 

I was lonely, I had mistress. Then the wife found out, I had to leave my most loving and caring GF for the sake of family and children. Children are the mostly important consideration!! How would you like to live in a broken home? How would you like your children to live in it? I had to leave the best dream girl I have ever met who loved me crazy too. SAD.

 

But I think this is the only GOOD THING to do for men. We men have to sometimes sacrifice ourselves for our family abd children. Right?

 

Now my wife is giving me sex and be with me all the time, spend a lot of time going out with me to movie and dinner like 14 years ago, after she found out the affair 2 weeks ago. Ha!