I Don't Have the Strength! -UPDATE... NOT GOOD

[alona125]

Hey Everyone.

 

You all had given me some great advice about leaving my boyfriend because of his temper, and supposed continued ties to his ex girlfriend.

 

You can read my previous post, but basically my problem now is getting out of the relat. I wasn't strong enough to just tell him goodbye and leave him this weekend, so we got together Sunday, and had a huge fight. He slapped his coffee cup off of the back of his car, spraying another car next to us. He was yelling at me in the parking lot, and while we were driving, his voice was so loud and angry, that people walking down Sunset were all looking at us. He didn't care. He raged on. He has never hit me yet, and had told me he never hits people, just yells.

 

Anyways, he is great when we are not fighting, but now I am beginning to think that throughout this whole relationship, he has been manipulating and controlling me. (I won't go into it in this post, I have it in my previous ones)

 

My question now is WHY can't I leave him and just walk away when we break up all the time. Why is it so hard, when we always fight?? I am always the weak one to call back and PLEAD with him like like an idiot, and he takes me back. There are so many red flags, but it is so hard for me to just leave.

Should I just go full on NO CONTACT, no matter how rude it is. Please help me. Im not really thinking straight anymore, and this will be my first major breakup.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

Welcome back!

 

I've been wondering what happened with you.

 

The answer to your question is THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU CANNOT LEAVE THIS MAN.

 

This guy is scary the way he lets his anger get out of control and I don't care what he says to you, this WILL escalate and he WILL hit you, if YOU give him the chance.

 

STOP victimizing yourself. You are not some powerless wallflower, you are a strong and intelligent woman. You recognize that this is NOT acceptable behaviour and now it is up to YOU to take action.

 

Tell this guy it is over and eliminate ALL CONTACT with him IMMEDIATELY!

 

Get all of your friends and family involved in your decision, the more support you have from outsiders, the more powerful you will feel and the easier it will be.

 

I am sorry if I seem harsh. I was with a man who abused me mentally and physically for 5 years and he nearly killed me before I woke up enough to leave him. This was the best decision I've ever made and 7 years later I am still so proud of myself for that.

 

My relationship started out JUST LIKE YOURS, with the yelling and controlling and he said he would NEVER hit me and surprise, surprise, he eventaully did, and it just got worse.

This is a classic behaviour pattern that escalates into physical abuse. He IS abusing you already, mentally by breaking you down with his controlling ways and his temper.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I cannot stress it enough, I do NOT want to see what happened to me happen to you, or anyone, and it will.

 

You have to end this and get out, NOW!

[alona125]

Thank-you for being harsh. I need it.

I guess it is my first real relationship, and no matter what I guess, it's still hard. He treats me so nice and loving when we are not fighting, I guess that is what I hold onto.

 

What you said helped A Lot.

[sasha12]

after reading your post I got chills down my spine, that is so scary. I agree with the post above it will progress, it's only a matter of time. Are you scared of leaving him? scared of what he will do? get yourself a good support system going. I think your gonna need it.

[alona125]

I'm not really scared of leaving, he wants to as well, we just never do it, and he always takes me back, or calls me back when we break up.

 

He does treat me very well, buys me nice things, and pays for the majority of everything we do, so I am thinking that is why I am having such a hard time. I need to look past those things, its just so hard.

 

I do have a good support system, as well as all of you here, I just need to do it!

[Hope75]

Alona,

 

My guy was like night and day with his temper too. After a huge fight he would usually become so loving an apologetic. I actually started to live for those times, and thought that they made the bad times worthwhile.

 

NOT SO!!

 

No amount of kindness or coddling makes what this guy is doing to you worth it.

 

I am HERE and ALIVE today because even though I felt weak I made a choice not to be a victim anymore and THAT is what made me strong.

 

I know you can do the same thing for yourself.

[sasha12]

he's buying you things because he feels quilty. He knows he is doing you wrong. Sit back and look at the whole picture!!!! Do the materials he buys you really surfice for the way he treats you.

[SugarSweetness407]

Alona...here is something that might help...someone sent it to me when i needed help and strength and i think you should look at it....

 

link removed

 

 

I know how you feel...i've been in your same position for 2 years, my ex would always yell at me, put me down and say some very mean things...but he always told me he would NEVER hit me...that was a LIE. After awhile he because very abusive, to the point where he pushed me one day and i broke my elbow. Then he would apologize, and be all loving, until he got angry again. If you stay around, he will hurt you.

 

I know it's hard, it's still hard for me, because like you i think about the good times, and when my ex was nice he was wonderful to be around...but as time when on and i slowly found myself backing out of the relationship i realized that there were more horrible times then there were good. My ex tried to control me to the point where he manipulated me so bad that i actually almost moved in with him...but lucky for me, i had a family that really tried to help me see that what we had WASN'T LOVE...

 

All I can tell you is, No Contact is the best and heathiest way to move on from a situation like this, i am sure he has beat you down so bad that sometimes you feel that leaving wouldn't even help, but trust me it does. Just surround yourself with happy, positive people that truly love you for you and not ones that try to control and manipulate every situation.

 

I am here if you ever need me, and really read the article i hope it helps give you some strength. You don't need to be the victim anymore...there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[alona125]

Thank-You so much SugarSweetness for that link, and your encouraging words. I will check it out!

 

Its going to be so hard to get over though because he lives in West Hollywood, and I love that area so much, and I always hear about his area and neighborhood all over whether its in magazines, or tv.

 

Have you, or anyone else had to overcome that, where going to LA, or wherever your ex was from, made it really hard to get them off your mind. What did you all do in that situation, once you have severed contact. It may be a weird question, but everytime I hear Los Angeles, I think of him. Suggestions

[SugarSweetness407]

Ah actually yes, i live close to the Canada border, so every time i hear Canada i think of my ex, but then i think about the bad things that have happened there and they out weigh the good, so i don't get so sad. You just have to start thinking about yourself right now, and what is best for you....you may love hollywood and whatnot, but is that more important than say...your life?!

 

You will have more good things in your life....but now is the time to take care of you...just try to ignore it, and if you happen to hear about hollywood or whatever, just think of what a jerk your boyfriend is...and it will make it easier to move on....

 

Hope it helps...lol...i know how ya feel...

[alona125]

Sugarsweetness:

 

You have a great point. I will do just that. Thanks

[Hope75]

Hey Alona,

 

Just wanted to check up and see how things were going?

 

Hope

[grinand bearit]

Hi Alona,

 

Please--listen to Hope!

I was there, too. I spent over five years of my life with a man I loved in a way that was so crazy, so consuming, I became desparate every time (and there were several) he left me, after the yelling, the accusations, the name-calling, the angry insane tirades, etc., that I would be, plead, apologise, give in to anything he needed if only he wouldn't stay away! Of course, as time went on, he did hit me, choke me, throw me to the ground--and every time, according to him, I deserved it and worse! Trust me, the behaviors you have seen, even if not directed at you, serve to let you understand how much harm he is capable of inflicting. It will escalate--abuse never gets better, no matter how much we pray and wish it would.

 

Please, go, stay gone, don't call, don't contact. It hurts like nothing else has in life. I've been out for 8 months and not a day goes by that I don't miss all the good and long for the fantasy. But, I also now can see that what I mourn was a fantasy--he would never be the man I "knew" he could.

 

It does get slowly easier to bear, however. You deserve decent treatment from anyone you bring into your life, and the more you take time to be alone and with friends who truly do care, you will understand that, even though you will never understand why the person you loved behaved as he did. Be strong, stay away.One day at a time.

 

--grinit

[alona125]

Hey Grinand bearit:

 

Just to update you, and to show you how right you are, HE DID HIT ME!!

Sunday, I was hanging out at his house, and I was checking my voicemails.

He thought he heard a guys voice, and he ripped the phone away from me. He played back the message, and he did hear a guys voice, but it was HIM, and he didn't even recognize his own voice he was so furious! He said, "ill give you 10 seconds to tell me who just called you babe..." He started counting, and when I couldn't give him an answer, he threw me down on the floor. When I got up, he ripped me shirt, and threw me down again. The verbal abuse at the same time was HORRIBLE. He was calling me H***r, S**ut, and everything else, while yelling at me to GET OUT!! He seriously looked like he was possesed the way he was acting. I have bruises all over as a result. By the way, he threw my cell phone out his door and into the street, shattering it. I have no phone still.

To sum up the story, he went back and checked my vmail, and found out it WAS him, no other guys were calling me, and he felt bad.

So what. I was just in shock, so I stayed at his place, but I wouldn't let him touch me.

I took him back so weak as I am, and he has been trying to apologize, but just today he was trying to avoid my calls because he was lost driving to a set, and said, "I don't have time for your crap right now." He is treating me horribly still after what happened.

My self-esteem is so low right now, I can't just leave him. We even booked a non-refundable ticket to Paris in May, and I am stuck on what to do. He has a serious anger problem, and I don't know what it is all stemming from.

Please help. I am so hurt and low right now.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

I was thinking about you. I am so sorry that we were right, you know this is something we never want to be right about, but when you have been through it enough you get to recognize the pattern.

 

Alona, now that you know where this is going, are you going to stay? Or get out? I remember before you said you have friends who care about you, can you lean on them? (I forget if you live with him or not).

 

Once he crosses that line or verbal to physical abuse, it is not going to change, and it will only get more and more dangerous.

 

I barely escaped with my life from my ex. 2 inches was the difference for me. I see myself in you, and I want you to get help.

 

What area are you in? Where is your family? Are you close to them? Do you still have the bruises on your body? How about a battered women's shelter?

 

Do you see how irrational he is? It is really scary the way his anger just takes over and he can't be reasonable. It was his own voice on the machine and he beat you up for it.

I suggest contacting the police and showing them the marks on your body while you still have them. He assaulted you, that is against the law.

 

Please understand that no matter how many times he apologizes, this is not acceptable. THIS IS NOT LOVE. It WILL HAPPEN AGAIN, AND NEXT TIME YOU MAY NOT BE SO LUCKY.

 

Do a google search for battered women, see the statistics, and see if you can find a support group, possibly online.

 

People told me if I stayed my ex would most certainly kill me. I ignored them, felt too weak to do anything. If he had been less drunk that night, if his aim had been just slightly better, I wouldn't be here talking to you right now.

 

Please, I am begging you. Get out. Get help. Get away from him before your family has to bury you.

 

Hope

[alona125]

Hi Hope:

 

Yea, I never thought that you all would be either.

He does not drink, so I am not worried about that part. It is that he has such a short temper, gets upset and analyzes everything, and yells at me all the time.

I do not live with him, thank goodness, and we live about 30 miles away, so that makes it easier.

Yes, I still have the bruises. I want the courage to call the cops on him. This is the first time he has done this to me in a year and a half, so I am kinda in shock.

By the way, we planned a trip to Europe in May, and the tickets are non-refundable. We are on the same plane next to each other. What are your suggestions. Should I try to cut all contact with him now??

Im sorry, Im just kinda lost and hurt right now.

Hope, how are you doing now? Do you miss him, or are you just glad you are out?

[Mentor]

Alona125,

 

The price of the plane ticket pales in comparison to the value of your self-esteem, health, or life. You surely must realize this, and I am worried that you are using this as an excuse to not make this very difficult decision.

 

Read over what Hope and the others have told you. If you allow this to continue you might be vesting your parents with the burden of burying their own daughter. Your boyfriend is not going to change or stop this behavior. It will only escalate. You are the only one who has the power to stop this.

 

Leave this person now and never look back!

 

Please keep us updated on your progress.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

I am sure you are in shock, it's a terrible, awful thing to go through. I just want to make sure that you don't go numb and allow him to continue to do this to you, which is what I did for 3 years.

 

I think you should cut your losses and forget about the plane ticket. I would NOT go on vaca with him. It is not worth it, consider the money lost. Whatever it cost, it's not worth your life and safety.

 

This guy doesn't need to drink to be violent. He has no problem letting his behaviour escalate to violence without the aid of alcohol.

 

Yes, cut all contact from him now. Please, while you still have the chance.

 

I do not miss my ex who abused me. I think of him from time to time, and remember there were some good times, but I have completely moved on. It took me quite a while to learn to trust again, and I sometimes still have trouble. More than anything I am so glad to have gotten out alive, and to be here today I am proud to have been that strong.

[alona125]

I greatly appreciate all of your words. You are such a great group. Through your advice, and from a good friend, I am going to call him tonight, and tell him once and for all to not call me again.

I am so worried about his feelings, and that he agreed to finally book the trip, and now he will be out $200 dollars for the cancellation price. No longer should I care, and you all have opened my eyes to that. He doesn't care about my feelings.

To make it worse, today he treated me like crap, and when I talked to him a little while ago, he didn't feel like talking, and blamed him hitting me on me! He said, well, if you didn't say this, then it wouldn't have happened. He has changed so much, and he has serious anger problems.

Its just frustrating when he has lied to me so much, bossed me around, yelled at me, and yet he doesn't give me any room to question him or ask him about things. He tells me that I ruined this relationship. It just sucks to hear that when all I have done is try to make it work.

I am going to cancel the trip, and just make the drastic step and end it. I have to, I am going crazy.

Hope: I am so glad to hear you are out of your relationship, and are doing better now. It is encouraging to hear that.

Thanks Everyone! I will keep posting on what happens

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

I am so worried about his feelings, and that he agreed to finally book the trip, and now he will be out $200 dollars for the cancellation price. No longer should I care, and you all have opened my eyes to that. He doesn't care about my feelings.

 

Don't concern yourself with his feelings. He beat you. He has no right for you to be concerned with his feelings anymore. Your only concern should be to get the heck out, ASAP. If he cared for you one iota as much as he cares about himself, you wouldn't be here on this website.

 

To make it worse, today he treated me like crap, and when I talked to him a little while ago, he didn't feel like talking, and blamed him hitting me on me! He said, well, if you didn't say this, then it wouldn't have happened. He has changed so much, and he has serious anger problems

.

 

This kind of behaviour is really scary. He doesn't even think that beating you like he did was wrong, and isn't accepting any blame for it. He is blaming you!!!! It is only going to get worse. This kind of life ends only one way. If no one else, think about how your family will feel to bury thier beautiful young daughter, because trust me, if you let this continue, that is exactly what will happen.

 

I can't stress enough how much you need to get away from him.

 

Please keep us all updated on what happens, ok??

 

We are all here for you.

 

Hope

[alona125]

Well, I talked to him last night because he is buying me a new cell phone, the one he broke when he threw it in the street.

He has sounded so angry and depressed lately, and I asked him what was wrong, and he just said that our relationship is wearing him down.

He doesn't see that it is because of his lies, anger problems, and his past, that have caused me to be anything I am today. It is not like I have been causing many problems- he honestly just reacts to EVERYTHING now.

He is my first serious bfriend, so I don't know if that just happens after 1.5 years of being together. I'm guessing not, that it is just him.

So, I made the phonecall really short, I told him to just let me handle the phone situation, so we don't have to talk anymore.

Then he says, " i love you, and we can talk in the morning." He is acting like the victim now it seems! Like it should be on his terms after all he has done to hurt me.

My question to you all is how should I tell him that we are both better off without each other, and we are done. I am tempted to cancel my ticket, and not even tell him.

Should I just not take his calls or talk to him anymore, or the next time we talk, just say GOODBYE. I am done being treated this way, I just have to take the next step.

You have all been a tremendous help.

[alona125]

Hope:

 

Well, I made the first step. I went out and bought a new phone, even though he left me three messages saying that he found a guy that would sell him one. I told him I would take care of it, but he always has to be in control, and take over.

I just textd him and let him know I bought a phone so the poor guy he is meeting won't be inconvenienced.

I am really trying to be strong, and I am going to make the next step today and cancel the trip.

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

I am sorry if I sounded harsh to you in my last post. I feel so frustrated for you because I know what it's like and it's a really hard situation but it's so important that you recognize what's happening and get help before it's too late.

 

I'm proud of you for getting your own phone, that's step in the right direction.

 

Let me know how cancelling your trip goes?

 

Hope

[grinand bearit]

Dear Alona,

 

I just checked posts today and was stunned to read yours. I wish I could say that I was surprised that the jerk hit you, but obviously, I am not--I am just so sorry for you going through this.

As others have said, and as you can find out for yourself through any website about abusive relationships (AND YES, THAT IS WHAT THIS IS!), once the line is crossed, once he puts his hands on you in anger--no matter the stimulus--it will ONLY CONTINUE AND WORSEN.

Please believe me when I tell you that the man who threw me to the ground, who hit me, pushed me, choked me, left me in bad neighborhoods at night miles from home withou money, this man I LOVED! I made every excuse and took all the blame. He,, too, accused me unfairly and blamed me for what he did to me in "punishment" for things I had never even done! Yet, I didn't want to give up. I knew we were meant to be together. I had been married before, had had other relationships, but this guy made me feel like I had finally found perfection. We connected so completely in so many ways. That was very hard to think of losing, no matter what hell I had to tolerate to keep it.

Finally, of course, it is over. THe accusations, the crazy logic, and the angry attacks grew to become HIS reason for leaving ME! To this day, I figure that he actually believed all that craziness and felt completely justified in everything he did. It left me no place to stand in respect, left me no integrity--I gave so much away to him. ANd, yes, I do still miss him and still sometimes engage in magical thinking that perhaps somehow he will return without his nastiness--I wish for that miracle, but I no longer wait for it.

I know that I should have run from him years ago (There were 6 years for me to learn). I know that I am luckier that many who ended up maimed or killed because they just "couldn't" let go of that crazy hope.

Alona, get away. As others have said, the trip can be the price you pay for the freedom and sanity you so need.

He will kill you, accidentally or on purpose, emotionally and likely physically.

 

Be well, keep us posted. We do know, you know!

 

grin

[Hope75]

Hey Alona,

 

Just wanted to check in and see how things are?

 

Hope you are doing OK....

 

Hope