i'm at wits end with myself

[in_the_mirror]

i am just feeling quite lost. what i thought i knew is now just all falling apart. my ex hates me because i broke up with him again, he doesn't like who i've become, but i can't help what has happened to me, he knows and i know that it was my fault that i got in trouble, but i have changed how i act toward him. he scares me and i can't trust him, and for me that is depressing cuz i trust everyone and even when they break it i give them chance after chance no matter how much it hurts me. but i suppose i should try and explain my position a little more.

 

ok i lied to my parents about someone i really care about, i wasn't suppose to be hanging out with him outside of school, but being the "rebeling" teen i did it anyways, and i got caught. ok not so bad but i got the car taken away and i am not aloud to see this person outside of school. which is kinda screwing up my life as well, cuz now i can't go to the things i enjoy and he doesn't seem to care anymore. but for awhile we were hanging out but we fought for like the next two weeks and it was so draining and painful, but i was willing to work through it. well i went out with a friend to the mall, and he started getting mad at me cuz he said he didn't trust me all the time and wasn't sure when we got out of high school that he would stick around(story changed later but not the point) so it ended with calling me a who**, and i hung up. i hate confrontation, i am not very good at being mean in general, and i don't ever want to be, when i am faced with one though i either sit there quietly or i try to get away, neither of which were working, and i had no idea how to make it stop. well in end my parents had a talk with me saying some stuff that reminded me of my childhood and what i had seen of what happened to girls who's b/f went postal on them. i really don't believe that this person would do this to me but it added to everything that has been piling up in my head. i've retreated into my mind, and i don't let anyone in really anymore. im usually an open person, but i do have my protective shell. but now my shell is like 10 foot thick steel, and it has pushed the person i care about away.

 

now im not saying that it was all his fault cuz i know he has some issues of his own, but i wish he could understand that life hasn't been so great for me the past hmm...2 years i think now. i love him more than anything, but he can get on my nerves, and i just want to feel at peace with or without him, and i can't do either. my heart has always been black (irony) but its not cold, please this isn't the whole story, but i feel completely turned around, and my whole world just feels like it is gonna crash in on me. sorry if this is kinda confusing

[sayer7]

What exactly would make you feel peace without him? What conditions need to be met? What do you need to say to him to help you find peace with him? What do you want him to understand or acknowledge about you?

 

Just some questions to think about...

[in_the_mirror]

well i can't say anything to him cuz he is stubborn, i am usually ok if i dont' have to see him, but i want to be near him, i want things to be like they use to be, but i don't think it ever will, and i don't know if it is my fault, cuz everyone says that it isn't, but i don't feel that way, with what he has said

[sayer7]

Do you doubt that it wasn't your fault or are you just letting him get under your skin because you value his opinion so much?

[in_the_mirror]

no he is just a smooth talker and knows how to make a person feel at fault. he is good at backing a person in a corner. i value his opinion to a point cuz everyone deserves to be hurt and say what they want, but there is a point where you have just gone to far. and he crosses the line constantly. i talked to a friend though earlier and it was very helpful to just get a compliment, im starting to feel like myself again.