Opinions?

[tyne87]

I have this guy that has been my best friend for the last 8 years for the last year and a half we have had a casual relationship but ive been in love with him for well over 4 years. he knows how i feel ive told him on a couple of occassions the last time i said something to him about it i told him that if he was never going to want to take things further than what they are at the moment he had to stop sleeping with me so i could move on and just keep our friendship which he agreed with.

 

since that conversation he has since slept with me twice i never initiate this because i have a huge fear of rejection and he knows this. I keep holding on to hope that he is just afraid to start a relationship (he has been hurt very badly in the past). He doesnt spend time with any other females he never sleeps with anyone other than me he always wants me around and does sweet things like putting my jacket on for me cooks me dinner asks if i mind people coming over when im there etc etc i can tell he wants more but everytime he sleeps with me he cuts me off for days and has terrible anxiety (he suffers from bipolar) the main question i need answering is do i wait for him? he has really started opening up alot to me over the last 3 months and im torn on what to do.

[Mischa234]

Ask him if you two are exclusive. If you are, or if you can get him to agree to be, then you're halfway there. That is by some defined as a relationship. Then it may just be about creating a safe enough environment that he feels ok to open up, relax, spend time with you more frequently, and spend time around you sometimes where you don't sleep together.

 

If he doesn't want to be exclusive, drop him asap and never contact him again. Sorry - I can't be more help here but I was in love with my best friend for 7 years and when we finally slept together, which was really passionate and emotional, he wanted to stay friends and I had to do the kindest thing for myself - stop wasting my time and go out and find a real man who would appreciate the kind of commitment I gave to my ungrateful friend.

 

Just FYI - my friend and I still talk but rarely, and I believe deep down that he is jealous of my partner because after we got together one night he came over uninvited (drunk) and started saying "I can't believe you- I mean, I could have- If things had been different between us-"

 

I never found out what he was going to say, but I do believe he loved me back throughout that time... he missed his chance though. I won't let anyone play with my feelings like that again.

[tyne87]

we spend alot of time together just listening to music watching movies etc with nothing physical ever happening he does open up to me alot the problem is he over analyses everything and keeps thinking back to previous relationships where these girls have meant the world to him and he's opened up and trusted them just for them to leave him once the novelty of their attraction had worn off. he isnt perfect and does have some personal and mental health issues which i believe are causing him to retreat everytime things seem to be going really well i know its not me and there is no one else he is interested in. im very much a part of his family and his mum and sister love me to bits and have told him that they would love to see us progress further im just at a loss of what to do if he keeps retreating

[Mischa234]

Ask him if you two can be exclusive.

 

Then over time, gradually reinforce that you are a couple and that you hope to never let him go. If it's a trust issue, hopefully he'll come around.

[Mischa234]

Alternatively, if, after you've confirmed that you are exclusive and a couple, a period of time goes by and he still seems to be playing emotional games, help him realise that you want to stick around but that if he doesn't want to fully be with you then you'll have to leave.

 

You can even say that now if you must.

 

I don't know if he's retreating so much as avoiding committing - men are funny like that. It's hard to know if they're scared of getting hurt or scared of getting tied down, because they can be equally as afraid of both.

 

But if he is in fact avoiding commitment, the simple question of "are we exclusive" should give you some clues, and if he doesn't want to commit, leave.

 

If he commits and still plays games later... threaten to leave so as to give him a chance to reassess his choices. Be prepared to follow through on it if he doesn't change his habits.

[tyne87]

im pretty sure he is retreating he blocks the entire world out deletes facebook pulls the phone out of the wall and locks the door... his mum always freaks out and i just sit here hoping he is ok. once he is back to normal ill try and have proper conversation with him about it its hard though i dont want him to feel trapped his second last ex hounded him for over a year until she wore him down enough to start a relationship and then left him as soon as daddy offered her a sports car

[Willywagtail]

Tyne, he needs help. He's not interacting with the world and your relationship is on his terms.

 

Hell, it must be SOOO boring listening to him moaning about how his previous GFs have done him wrong.

 

He needs to get over it and get into the real wold. By continuing a FWB relationship with him, you're just enabling him to avoid his issues.

 

I think this is a conversation you should have with him. I don't advocate going NC and all that stuff, just tell him he needs to deal with his issues, and you won't f**k him until he does!

 

Of course, you may not wish to stick around. But he should take responsibility for his own well being, not avoid it.

[tyne87]

he doesnt talk about his ex's i was there through out all of them watching everything that happened hes only recently started to mention different things such as having nightmares etc hes quite hard to get any info out of in regards to things that have happened to him i only know from conversations with his mum and sister and what i have seen first hand. i do agree that this relationship is very much in his hands but thats my own doing because im so afraid of making the mistakes ive seen others make with him. the pysical side of things is very sparse so i know its not all about the sex for him. i definitley agree he needs hep i just dont know how to help or how to start the conversation without him sutting down on me

[Mischa234]

Men can be particularly reluctant to seek out help when they need it. Research suggests mental illness is particularly rampant among women, but I'm not sure that's true - it's probably more likely that women seek help and men avoid the reality of their situation, and therefore are not diagnosed and accounted for.

 

What I am struggling to understand is, if you really believe that he has issues like this that are so difficult to get through to him over, why do you even want to be with him? It sounds like a pretty miserable relationship to me. No offence to you, but in order to be putting yourself out there for someone who so clearly is emotionally unavailable, you must be struggling with some things yourself too.. Would you agree? You seem to be eluding to some issues.

 

This is probably strange but: I totally ignored when you wrote in your OP that he is bipolar. Because I know a few bipolar people quite well, it just didn't seem like important info I guess... But as I read your posts about his behaviour I thought to myself "Wait a second, this guy sounds bipolar" and this realisation made me scroll up the top to check if I had read that somewhere as well. :strawberry:

Yep. I know how to spot em from a mile away. Is he medicated? I'm no doctor (yet) but I do know that unmedicated bipolar people have an existence like a living hell. I am going to assume for the purpose of this post that he is medicated, because you haven't mentioned anything about drug addictions, suicide or public meltdowns. But in the instance that he isn't, you would notice big improvements once he finds the right mix of medication and therapy.

 

If he is already medicated and seeing a therapist, in all honesty there is not much you can do. I actually wouldn't advise going into a relationship with him. Bipolar people are insanely unpredictable at the best of times, and if the general population struggles to maintain healthy relationships, that is nothing compared to a bipolar person. The likelihood of you achieving relationship security/satisfaction with this man is very low. If you're still not spurred by those odds, read on...

 

The best thing you can do is to educate yourself about bipolar, and assure him you are there as a support. If he feels that he may lose you in a relationship (which we have to admit, is a real possibility), then you may actually be better off distancing yourself and being his friend. His educated friend. His educated friend who knows how to get through to him in those tough times because you can discuss at length with him the symptoms he is experiencing, and help him feel more normal. It is important that he educates himself thoroughly as well, and seeks out support groups, even mental health forums online where he can share experience and gain knowledge and support.

 

And finally, OP - have you yourself seen a therapist? You strike me as having some self-esteem issues, or possibly depression - I hope this doesn't offend, this is the conclusion I draw from you being so giving of yourself. It seems to me almost that you don't have boundaries as to how much you would give to someone else, and that concerns me a little.

[tyne87]

he isnt medicated and does have substance abuse issues in regards to self medicating i had almost given up any hope of things progressing and had started to look else where but in the last few months he has been trying holistic approaches to his therapy and is/was doing extremely well. i have self esteem issues as most women do but my nature is the same with any friends or family that i give all of my self to theem and would do anything to help them sometimes at a disadvantage to my self. i have done alot of rsearch into bipolar, depression etc and do work in the aged care sector and am about to start my bachelor of nursing heading into mental health psych nursing (thats where my passion lies) my ex has bipolar so i am very aware of the challanges faced when entering a relationship with someone with it. i guess i am blinded to a degree by my love for him mainly because i can see what kind of person he is underneath the mental illness. he has seen pyschiatrists in the past and been medicated his compaint and its a common one with people who suffer from bipolar is that he feels nothing when he is medicated and thats when he usually has his suicide attempts. the holistic approach to maintaning his mental health has been quite successful and i encourage it as much as i can.

[Willywagtail]

I still think it's a long road to nowhere, much as I admire your compassion for this guy.

 

In the end, the ONLY person that can help him is himself. You can be a friend, and support him, but he needs to take the steps towards self healing. You are not his nurse, nor his therapist.

 

Having self esteem issues doesn't mean you just settle with what's available. My sense is you need to step back from this situation. Let him take responsibility for his own issues, and focus on your studies.

[Mischa234]

Bipolar is a major and often chronic disability. It is wonderful that you want to work in nursing people with mental health problems, but you need to step back and draw the line in the sand with this one. Allow me to explain...

You are no use as a professional if you can't maintain a healthy personal life. And in this situation, you need to understand that this man may never be able to hold down a job. Especially if he refuses medication (which I'm not saying is wrong, but it is extremely unfortunate). Even if he refuses medication, he MUST see a professional, preferably one that specialises in CBT which among my bipolar friends has been the single most effective treatment because it educates the patient. However, one of the many complexities of bipolar is that the more you try to push him into therapy, the more likely he is to resist treatment and help and probably to spin out or lash out at you. You will never be able to change this aspect of his mind... it will remain stagnant until or unless he seeks years and years of steady therapy and support. And even that is not guaranteed to change him, it just helps him cope with the aftershock better.

 

Again, this is really unfortunate, but listen - you're not the person with bipolar. And this man who has bipolar, is not an extension of you nor is he someone you are responsible for. He is his own person, with his own willpower, and as much as I can see you want to nurse him and care for him and ensure his wellbeing, he will make his own choices. I strongly feel that you would lose yourself in a relationship with him and see other parts of your life suffer, and likely struggle to leave if you became unhappy. It is a disaster waiting to happen. If you don't have a mental illness (or even if you do), it is unwise to tread into territory which you know will be a constant uphill battle and difficult to depart from. And you do know this, you just still feel that you could possibly change him. His brain chemistry is a mess, and there is no known cure for this despite all the research and years of effort that medical professionals have expounded into the area. There comes a point where you need to just...accept this fact.

 

People like you who are "caretakers" have often had rough upbringings and found themselves playing caretaker with one of their parents, who for some reason or other created a dysfunctional environment. Do you really want that life for yourself?

 

I had a very rough upbringing and I am studying medicine. I have a strong desire to help others.. but I have an even stronger desire to be a healthy individual with a multitude of strength to offer others who are in need of it... consider your choices carefully and I think you'll understand that you are better off staying friends with this man and pursuing your career as a separate aspect of your life.

[tyne87]

i am very aware of everything you have said i know i cant fix him thats something he has to do him self sometimes its good to hear peoples opinions that are unbiased on the situation its hard to separate my self from him because he is such a huge part of my life so how do you fall out of love with someone lol ive never had to do it ive never loved anyone except my daughter and him (obviously parents etc) i just dont know how to break that connection without loosing him out of my life completely

[Mischa234]

Just stop having sex with him. That should be enough for now. And don't let it happen again...

 

And don't take it to heart if he puts a bit of distance between you because you did that. It could be awkward after this, but it's really for the best in the long term.

[Mischa234]

Actually, for a bit more depth... I don't think you ever stop loving someone that you loved deeply for many years. You just learn to let go and move on with your life, living parallel to theirs... and live with occasional pangs of nostalgia for what you had. From where you stand, love is more of an illusion. I think until you have really been with someone there is an added layer of hope, excitement and desire that enhances the feelings you have for him.

 

I mean, if I'm honest, I feel less for my partner on a day-to-day basis than I did for my friend who I was in love with for 7 years... But partly that's because my friend seemed unattainable. The friendship was so strong, based on some strange bond that was not committed love but was deeper in romantic feelings and a mix of desire and uncertainty. I do miss feeling what I felt for him...even as I type this. Or perhaps I still feel for him. I don't know It's been 3 years since I decided to move on.

 

But there is more to life. There is more to experience, there are different kinds of happiness and love and it sounds like you need to go out there and experience them. Find someone that can offer you something more secure.

 

One thing that I can say is - it's wonderful to have felt that way about someone in my life, but I wouldn't swap it out again for my partner and his daughter that I have now who I'm very securely attached to and feel as bonded as family. It's just lovely to have experienced.

[bulletproof]

You have a child. That means she is your first priority.

Do you want this man, with his substance issues, suicide attempts, and negative effect on you, to be around her?

Is this the type of man you would want her to date when she gets older? Because she's learning from you right now what a relationship looks like.

You are not his psychiatrist nor his mother. I think you should want better for yourself and your daughter.

And no, not all women have self-esteem issues.