We've just broken up, the feeling of being rejected is so strong..

[sk1991]

Hello you guys,

 

I apologize in advance that this entry is so long (and also for my english, I'm from Austria, so if I make any mistakes - sorry )

 

Well, as the title already says, me and my boyfriend have just broken up on Saturday. To be honest, I don't even know what the relationship was..

We met when I was 16 years old, he fell for me, but I didn't want him at the time (strange as it seems now, I was a very confident girl back then who didn't want to settle, if I didn't feel the most amazing notebook-kind-of-feelings and always believed that this existed. This confident girl completely vanished after I met my first boyfriend. We had the most toxic relationship, but were also really in love, so when we broke up, I hit rock bottom. Ever since I feel like I'm not enough and have all these self doubts..)

So, as I said, even though I didn't want him back then, we started texting each other again about 2 years ago. We started to meet regularly and I knew that he was interested and falling for me again and I liked him a lot too, because I saw him as the nicest guy I'll ever meet and after my last horrible, horrible breakup, I thought that this was exactly what I needed. After a month or so we started to sleep with each other and no matter how much I knew he wanted me, I couldn't really fall in love with him. In this time, he would write (and that's a really important point) the sweetest messages and I somehow felt completely overwhelmed with all of this honesty and feelings for me. Everytime I was with him and had to go again, he would write me how much he missed me already. But again - I couldn't really really fall for him. 2 months went by and he kept asking me, what this was and I didn't really know what to say to him, but after a while we just started a relationship. It was a long-distance one and we could only see each other at the weekends and somehow I also fell in love with him.

 

It was never the "oh-my-god-I'm-so-in-love-with-him" kind of feeling, but I did love him. The weird thing was, that after we got together, he could never really show or tell me how he felt about me. The sweet text messages were still there, but in person he couldn't tell or show me anything. He never bought me flowers or lit candles or told me things like "I'm so happy you're here" or that he loved me. All of the emotional stuff always came from me and of course, after some time the initial honeymoon phase wore off and that's when things really started to bother me. Because he couldn't show or tell me what I meant to him and the text messages started to come less frequently with time (which is completely natural!!), I was pretty much left with nothing. I told him a few times, that those things really bothered me and he kept saying that he knew what I meant, his ex-girlfriend kept complaining about the same things, but that he just couldn't do it differently. Somehow we managed to make it work, because I was always the one to reach out and who would start to cuddle or hug or kiss him and he would just "go along with it". But nothing ever came from him.

 

The thing that really stood in the way was his inability to talk about problems. In our 1,5 years together, he NEVER ever told me if something bothered him or if he was upset with me or angry or anything. He kept everything to himself and when I would get mad and start a fight, he still never ever answered. He would just sit there and listen to my arguments without saying anything. I don't know if any of you has experience with these kind of man, but I've never met anyone, who was soooo so emotional unavailable. He couldn't show love nor talk about any problems. Good base for a relationship, hm? Another thing I noticed what that he actually wasn't always such a nice guy and he would for example tell me about some hot girls a friend of his was seeing or sleeping with. Another thing that really took over was sports. He did a lot of sports and was really fit and I'm not really that kind of girl but in summer, I always tried to keep up. I would hike or mountain bike with him and tried to do some of the things with him he liked. But I never felt good enough with him somehow and that i needed to do more.

 

Well a month ago we (or I) had a fight and he was acting all weird (even though a few days earlier everything was totally fine and we even booked our next vacation) and after asking him over and over again what was wrong (because he can't say of course), he told me that he was having doubts about the relationship. Of course, after that I asked him why and for how long and how serious they were and he just said NOTHING again. He just couldn't.. He just told me he had doubts and I had to deal with it. Well, he did mention something about me not skiing with him (because I can't actually), but.. I mean that can't seriously be the reason he has doubts! Can sports be such a major factor? I mean I did some sport with him, but not all of it and all there is and I couldn't do it as well as he could.

Still, after his "confession", I was trying to act as normal as I could to eliminate his doubts, but he acted weird and distant and I didn't really know what to do. I asked him once what was going on and he said nothing.

 

The whole month he would be cold and distant. He would act "normal" at times, but I always knew something was up. Plus, he never ever told or wrote me he loved me anymore. A week ago (Tuesday) I asked him again if everything was ok and he said yes. On Thursday he went home to his parents for the weekend and I went home to visit mine. He said goodbye and even called me in the evening before he was going out with some friends and talked really normal actually. But... from then on I didn't hear ANYTHING from him for 2 days. He just didn't call or text or anything. Because I kind of knew what was going on, I didn't call or text either and tried to find peace with the thought that our relationship might end. On Saturday night he finally texted me "I'm going to sleep now, but we need to talk. Call you tomorrow". I was really angry and wrote back "I know what you got to say, why talk?". The only thing he replied was "Even so, I won't do this via text. Maybe we can meet up next week?" I mean, WHAT? He's just done this via text!!! He doesn't call or text for 2 days, so that I can make up my mind about his behavior, then indirectly lets me know via text that he wants to break up with me, but that he's officially waiting until we'll see each other again? I mean who does that??

After that I only wrote back, that I wouldn't want to meet or talk to him anymore, because I couldn't believe that he would lie to me a few days earlier when I asked if everything was ok and that he would really be out of touch for 2 days only to let me know via text what was going on. I told him that he wasn't the person I thought he was and that if he really wanted to do this face-to-face he could've done it 2 days earlier, when he was still with me. I also said that a friend of mine would get all of my things and that I just didn't want to see him again.

He waited another 24 hours to reply and only wrote something like "I didn't do anything via text, I would've told you in person. What if I wasn't sure yet on Thursday? and I'm sure you think it's so easy for me. It didn't need to end like this after all this time. but ok. Just tell Lisa to text me so that I can give her your stuff"

 

And that's it. I was so mad that he obviously thought he hadn't done anything wrong and that I'm the one who did all of it via text, but seriously: Why on earth would I want to meet him again, only to hear the words "I don't want to be with you anymore" again in person? I mean I don't want to hurt myself on purpose.

 

Well.. The point in all of this for me is: Of course I'm hurting now and I cry and am sad and have all the emotions you go through when in a breakup. But.. I mean, I know deep down that he wasn't the one for me, because I really want someone I feel save with and who can tell me what he feels about me and I want to feel that I'm the only woman in his life and not feel replaceable all the time (which honestly, I did, simply due to this lack of talking about his feeling or showing me he loved me). Plus, I need someone who can tell me if something's wrong and who can "have a fight", if you know what I mean.

So, I know all of this, but I'm still so sad, because I can't also feel all of it, even though I know that he can't be the one. The feeling of being rejected is so strong and the thought that he just sits around at home, not even thinking about me and being perfectly fine with the situation kills me.. I know it probably sounds immature but I feel so "not good enough", simply because he's the one who broke up with me and who's now completely fine and happy. And I'm sure he is.. And somehow I can't push these thoughts and feelings aside even though I do know, that he's also not right for me.

So why? Why do I let this thought make it unnecessarily hard for me? Why? And why do I still feel like I won't fall in love again? Or that I wan't find the man I want.. Why do I feel like I'll stay alone..

And PLEASE don't say that I'm ridiculous, because I know I'm really really young (23), but I just can't see it. I just feel not good enough..

 

Does anyone have any advice?

 

PS: Thank you sooo much, if you've read the whole story!

[Man with Dog]

You're not being ridiculous. Whoever was more keen when we first met our partners, rejection is awful. To help you, here's a few facts (some good news, a little bad):

 

1. Most people find love again after a break-up, nearly everybody in fact

 

2. After a break-up, we search our souls and convince ourselves that had we not done something wrong, we would still be together. We're wrong! OK we can learn from any mistakes we've made but the chances are the break-up would have happened anyway

 

3. There's no "good" way to break up with someone. Knowing how and when to dump someone is hard. It is best not to say if it is because of someone else, unless they are going to find out anyway

 

4. At 23 the chances are you are going to have more than one future relationship, so will have to face being dumped again or deciding to do the dumping

 

5. Getting over a break-up is hard. Even people who I have regarded as very wise and level-headed have taken up to 5 years. You have to be patient with yourself and expect a few bad days from time to time

 

6. Gradually you will have more good and OK days than bad ones

 

7. Having a rebound fling can work, especially as it will make you feel attractive again. Conventional wisdom says they never work long-term but I disagree. They are no more or less likely to work long term than any other relationship

 

8. Once you are past 20, dating outside your age group does no harm, nor dating someone from another country

 

Please read and I wish you luck, as I do any other dumpees reading.

[sk1991]

Thank you very much for your advice.

I'll try to keep all of them in mind while I'm healing. It's just that I can't imagine this getting better. I mean, do I have to force myself to go out and have fun and eventually I will? Or will the feeling of wanting to go out just come? I don't know just how to handle it.

 

I mean, just imagining him with another woman or even seeing the 2 of them together.. It kills me! Or seeing him alone somewhere also kills me! Because I don't even know if he has someone else or not and I don't want to know. And I know that other people have gone through the same thing, but I just feel so incredibly weak, because I can't even stand to see him or talk to him again without dying. And I can't help feeling, that I'm the only one who feels like that. That other people just handle it so much better and are so much stronger. Because so many people meet up later or have to see each other every day and I can't even stand him to see him ever again, not even giving him back his stuff in person.

 

And one more thing.. From your username I'm guessing you are a guy ^^. Maybe you can give me some insights? Is it likely that he's really not thinking of me at all? That he can distract himself so much, that he's really so ok? Or that he has distanced himself so much in the last month, that he's really so happy I'm gone? I mean, what goes on in a guy's head after a breakup?

[ohwell]

First, I want to say that your English is perfect and I understood everything. Also, I am in a similar situation and I know exactly how you feel. I almost thought I was reading about my guy , except you're in a different country. I wish I had some great wise advice to give you but since I am in the same boat I can't really say much except that at least you are still young and like the other poster stated you have more future relationships.

 

I however am in my thirties and him in his forties and it looks like I'm heading for a break up also. I think it is hard for emotionally unavailable men to change and I think we have to realize we can't change them, so its better for us to move on and not let their issues hold us back .

 

I hope some of this made sense. If nothing else, now you know that you are not the only person this happens to, don't let those negative thoughts get you down and remember that you are "good enough" and more for someone else that can actually express themselves.

[Man with Dog]

Last point: I'm a guy of 50+ years, married for 20+ years and we have a dog. I was also married before. I won't say more as I've blown my cover on a messageboard like this before and had to leave it.

 

Forcing yourself to do something helps. It doesn't have to be "fun" but if it gets you doing something, it helps. Everything you have said, I have felt. It was only when I moved to another town away from my ex that I felt better.

 

Unfortunately, I cannot give you any insights. As someone who has been the dumper as well as the dumpee, I can tell you how I felt but it does not guarantee he will feel the same. It happens sometimes that we just don't want to be with someone anymore. The novelty has worn off and there is not enough to stay for. I have felt awful for splitting from girls but also realised that I was not right for them and they would almost certainly be better for them at some stage. I got no pleasure from doing the dumping and felt bad about what I was putting them through but, as I said in my first reply, most people have several relationships before they meet their life partner.

 

My first wife was my first "proper" girlfriend and I turned to things I should not have done and nearly went mad. I started feeling a bit better after a while. I never got "closure". Most people don't.

 

Please be patient with yourself. It will get better.

 

All the feelings