Relationship with soulmate to friendship causing problems

[jjohn20]

I have this ex who I met about 5 years ago, we had a relationship for about 8 months shortly after meeting. We then broke it off mainly because of distance after I moved away for another year of college and her ambition to date other people (I was her first lover and the first to be in a serious relationship for that matter, makes sense).

 

I took the break up bad, but together we learned to form a friendship and I threw out all of the relationship reminding artifacts. We continued our deep emotional connections but everything was platonic otherwise. Months went by and I was not over her nor dating other people. She had started dating again. On some occasions I let out my feelings after she talked me into it (she picked up that I had something bothering me). She would get slightly akward about it, however when she wasn't in a relationship sometimes we just kissed out of the blue and things were fine unless we "talked" about our kissing. If we did talk, she ruled that our personalities were too similar, even the flaws, which we sometimes nagged at each other about even though we shared them.

 

After time I started losing touch with her and dating again. Mainly because I thought it would be best to do so, even though it meant disregarding her high level of disagreement. I told myself I was being obsessive, not logical because things weren't meant to be, and I need to be far away from her to avoid my woes. I still had (and do today) dreams about her (sometimes intimate), and sometimes I just can't get her out of my head. These aren't very frequent but enough to notice.

 

I don't recall when, but about just under two years ago we started to have a close friendship. We both were in and out of relationships and we even included our dating experiences in our normal conversations, and cracked harmless intimacy jokes about our past. This time I made sure we were never in a non-public setting or my home, as these types of locations surely triggered emotional stress over wanting a relationship but knowing it can't work. We still did the random kissing when we were not in relationships but it was rare. About a year ago my girlfriend at the time came accross some log files of IM chats I had with my ex (she was aware of our friendship and that we once shared a relationship). Why she snooped I don't know but she was very upset with our conversations online and basically made me choose between her relationship or my ex's friendship. She was manipulative and I took her side because of guilt from the very deep feelings I concealed from both regarding my ex.

 

Again we stoped talking and I got smart about some things and break up with my girlfriend two months later. A few weeks later my soulmate and I slowly start talking again. We still have those deep connections but I find myself frustrated and using avoidance tactics when we start to get even half as close to restoring our previous friendship. I worry about feeling hurt; going too far and giving us the chance so that I could be looking in her eyes after talking for hours and sharing emotions, and then just realizing how it can't work because I can't let go of the intimacy aspect of our deep connections.

 

I started dating eight months ago and fell in love with a girl I'm still with today. We have a lot more "things" in common then my soulmate but lack the amount of emotional connections, however it is a very healthy relationship and I am very happy with it. My soulmate talks to me still, but I keep phone calls brief most of the time if even pick up and hardly take interest in anything with her. I want to be with the woman I am with today to last for as long as I can imagine.

 

I can't stand dreaming about my soulmate and getting thoughts in my head once and a great while. Its like knowing how things were meant to be but my mind is telling me they aren't and something is terribly wrong. This frustration recently grew after I stoped returning her phone calls for past two months but she got a hold of me on instant messenger. I kept it brief but the fuel to write what I have wrote was from that discussion between her and I. It was just one of those, "hey stranger whats going on" type things. I went along but was somewhat in the middle of making dinner so I cut it short with that.

 

I want to be free of these thoughts but I have no idea how. If I tell her we are done sharing any bit of our lives together I will feel miserable later as I did in the past. I don't know what I want from writing this, maybe it is just venting, but I would also like to hear thoughts on this as I haven't ever heard another opinion from someone who understands even remotely as to what I am experiencing.

 

John

[Mentor]

My initial reaction to your story is that you are not giving anyone else a chance to get close to you. You have had a very long relationship with your ex, 5 years. Even though you were not romantically involved with her for all of them, you two were still very close, forming a strong bond. Labeling her as your soulmate is also putting up a barrier to allowing yourself to open up to another person.

 

This new girl that you are seeing has no hope of comparing to that. Can you see this? I really don't think that you are being fair to her. You can not offer her all of your heart, because 90% of it belongs to your "soulmate". Does she know that you are in regular communication with a person whom you refer to as your soulmate? I doubt it, or she would have left you long ago if she has any self-esteem of her own. You have to make a choice, either move on and commit 100% to this new person (taking all of the practical steps that this might require), or let her go find someone who is emotionally available and wait out the rest of your life for your ex to take you back.

 

Your choice.

[jjohn20]

I can somewhat relate to the comparsion thing but not the barrier thing so well. My current lover knows I talk to my ex at the little frequency we do but no, she doesn't know about the soulmate feelings because, ya, you're right she probably would have left. She also said early on in the relationship that she didn't like my ex because she had a strange feeling about her which she figured was just jealousy later on, I can fess up that it wasn't that specifically.

 

I disagree with the 90% heart commitment to my ex, I know who I am with now is what makes me happiest and that is who I have the stable relationship with. I haven't experienced this level of happiness / stability with my ex. My current lover has more to offer because she is more friendly, physically attractive, sexually experienced, and intelligent then my ex, and our personality similarities (and differences) are openly discussed and for the most part understood.

 

It seems to me it comes down to a fight between what I want realistically and what I want out of fate- I'm not religious, spirtual or much of a fate person and maybe that is where a lot of the conflict comes from. I truly believe I cannot be in a relationship with my ex again (the 95% realistic part of me anyway) and that it is probably best to just get rid of her for good and let the 5% fate of me learn to live with it.

 

John

[striderhiryu81]

I agree with the first response that you are probably not giving the new girl a fair chance. You are busy comparing her to your "soulmate" (which is inevitable) but you have to let this relationship stand on its own ground rather than try to reach the heights of another. By comparison it will look dim because you will be doubting that it can ever compare.

 

While you aren't in regular contact, you still have her believing that she is very important to you and that your new relationship is just a smokescreen you put up to hide your feelings for her. Let her know that you are doing well and that you enjoy your new relationship. Don't revisit the past with her if you talk to her again. You made a commitment to your new lady and she would not appreciate it if she knew that you have higher regard for an EX than you do for HER.

 

I know that she is important to you, but you are not being honest with your new girl by having more feelings for the old one.

[TrueHeart]

I didn't take any time to read the other responses to your story because I wanted to just express my feelings. My first impression is that you haven't truly let your "soulmate" go yet, whether you like you admit it or not, your heart tells you a different story. Having said that, you truly aren't even given your newly found girlfriend a chance to prove herself as possibly just as worthy. Addressing her as your "soulmate" also places a hinderance on your heart and head because thats quite a title to bestow on someone you "don't want to be with because it wouldnt work out".

 

Truly, you aren't being fair to YOURSELF. What you need to do is really decide what you really want. Basically, where your heart feels most at home. If its with your current GF, you need to really give yourself some time to convert those feelings into "memories" and leave the past alone... If you heart belongs to your "soulmate"-- you REALLY need to let your current GF go. It is not being fair to her that you think the world of her, but are still in love with another woman.

 

Ultimately, I think you just need some time. Perhaps when you started dating again it was prematur, especially if you still had feelings for your other GF. It begins by stop addressing her as your "soulmate", to be frank. You claim to let all the "emotional ties" go-- but the title of "soulmate" has HUGE emotional tie... and thats your issue, I believe.

 

You just need to find out where your heart is most at peace. I wish you luck..

[jjohn20]

Thanks for the input... I agree with some at different extents but it is very helpful to look at everything in a different light.

 

John