I have this ex who I met about 5 years ago, we had a relationship for about 8 months shortly after meeting. We then broke it off mainly because of distance after I moved away for another year of college and her ambition to date other people (I was her first lover and the first to be in a serious relationship for that matter, makes sense).
I took the break up bad, but together we learned to form a friendship and I threw out all of the relationship reminding artifacts. We continued our deep emotional connections but everything was platonic otherwise. Months went by and I was not over her nor dating other people. She had started dating again. On some occasions I let out my feelings after she talked me into it (she picked up that I had something bothering me). She would get slightly akward about it, however when she wasn't in a relationship sometimes we just kissed out of the blue and things were fine unless we "talked" about our kissing. If we did talk, she ruled that our personalities were too similar, even the flaws, which we sometimes nagged at each other about even though we shared them.
After time I started losing touch with her and dating again. Mainly because I thought it would be best to do so, even though it meant disregarding her high level of disagreement. I told myself I was being obsessive, not logical because things weren't meant to be, and I need to be far away from her to avoid my woes. I still had (and do today) dreams about her (sometimes intimate), and sometimes I just can't get her out of my head. These aren't very frequent but enough to notice.
I don't recall when, but about just under two years ago we started to have a close friendship. We both were in and out of relationships and we even included our dating experiences in our normal conversations, and cracked harmless intimacy jokes about our past. This time I made sure we were never in a non-public setting or my home, as these types of locations surely triggered emotional stress over wanting a relationship but knowing it can't work. We still did the random kissing when we were not in relationships but it was rare. About a year ago my girlfriend at the time came accross some log files of IM chats I had with my ex (she was aware of our friendship and that we once shared a relationship). Why she snooped I don't know but she was very upset with our conversations online and basically made me choose between her relationship or my ex's friendship. She was manipulative and I took her side because of guilt from the very deep feelings I concealed from both regarding my ex.
Again we stoped talking and I got smart about some things and break up with my girlfriend two months later. A few weeks later my soulmate and I slowly start talking again. We still have those deep connections but I find myself frustrated and using avoidance tactics when we start to get even half as close to restoring our previous friendship. I worry about feeling hurt; going too far and giving us the chance so that I could be looking in her eyes after talking for hours and sharing emotions, and then just realizing how it can't work because I can't let go of the intimacy aspect of our deep connections.
I started dating eight months ago and fell in love with a girl I'm still with today. We have a lot more "things" in common then my soulmate but lack the amount of emotional connections, however it is a very healthy relationship and I am very happy with it. My soulmate talks to me still, but I keep phone calls brief most of the time if even pick up and hardly take interest in anything with her. I want to be with the woman I am with today to last for as long as I can imagine.
I can't stand dreaming about my soulmate and getting thoughts in my head once and a great while. Its like knowing how things were meant to be but my mind is telling me they aren't and something is terribly wrong. This frustration recently grew after I stoped returning her phone calls for past two months but she got a hold of me on instant messenger. I kept it brief but the fuel to write what I have wrote was from that discussion between her and I. It was just one of those, "hey stranger whats going on" type things. I went along but was somewhat in the middle of making dinner so I cut it short with that.
I want to be free of these thoughts but I have no idea how. If I tell her we are done sharing any bit of our lives together I will feel miserable later as I did in the past. I don't know what I want from writing this, maybe it is just venting, but I would also like to hear thoughts on this as I haven't ever heard another opinion from someone who understands even remotely as to what I am experiencing.
John
