After 3 years she doesn't know if she's a lesbian

[jeremi]

Forgive me if I'm a little scattered today. My world crumbled last night.

I have been in a very loving relationship for the past 3 years with a wonderful woman. We had our ups and downs but were seamingly a happy couple. I found out 4 days ago that she had an affair on me for 1 1/2 yrs of our 3 year relationship with a man (a minister no less). After I found that out I also found out there had been 2 others.

 

I have no doubt that she is truly sorry and she does realize that she has made some terrible choices. I am willing to work past her cheating and fix our relationship. Her dilema is that she doesn't know if she is a lesbian. After 3 years of being with me, during which time she fell in love with me and says she still is. She said she needs time to be completely by herself to figure this out. Obviously its killing me. We broke up last night which just happened to be our 3 year anniversary.

 

How can she not be gay? I think she is, of course it could be wishful thinking. I know her biological clock is ticking and those thoughts are going through her mind. What can I do, other than wait, to help her. I don't want her to think that I am moving on because I can't.

 

If anyone has any advice or has been in mine or her situation please help.

My heart is breaking and I miss her terribly already.

[Beec]

No experience in your shoes, but I think you need some time to think about what you want to do. This is a lot to handle in a short time. Don't be hasty in what you decide to do.

[Hope75]

Well,

 

I don't think is nessecarily black and white, or straight or gay, she is for now classified as bisexual, and while she may be confused about her orientation, she is obviously attracted to both men and women, it still does not give her the right to cheat on you.

 

I realize that she is confused, but if she wanted to see men or a man she should have given you the respect and dignity you deserved by ending things with you before exploring her other options. Instead, she chose to have her cake and eat it too, and who do you think she has been thinking about first here? That's right, herself. Her actions speak louder than words here, and it's glaring.

 

Even if she felt guilty, she had a relationship with someone else at the same time as you for a year and a half, and also 2 other men.... she has had alot of time to think about this and left your feelings out of it. To me, that is unforgivable, and does not indicate confusion so much as selfishness.

 

I really feel for you here and it will obviously take some time for you to get over this, it's not going to happen overnight, but I think you are better off without this woman and if she 'decides' she is a lesbian and wants you back I'd tell her where to go and how to get there.

 

You deserve better!

[kere]

sometimes we know the right thing to do but we do the wrong thing anyway.....I can't explain that one for sure, maybe it is out of fear. What ur gf did was wrong and i am not trying to justify that.

 

I have never been in love so abviously I have never hada broken heart but I have been in situations that I wish would go away. Just take it one day at a time. Focuss on u for now while she finds herself...what u don't want to do is push....pushing i svery bad!!!!!! make her come willingly if not then it wasn't ment to be. it will hurt but in the long run it is for the best.

 

hope u feel better soon

 

kere

[Poor Richard]

I am very sorry that you are going through this painful trial. Perhaps we can help each other see things a little clearer as I am in a similar situation, though from the opposite side. I have been seeing a woman over the past few months who was involved in a lesbian relationship for four years. I have known her the entire time, as well as her partner. She is now confronting the same question that your girlfriend is. Her background is that she is in her early 30's and has two children from a previous relationship she was in for over 10 years. The relationship was not a healthy one. She met and befriended a woman who was openly gay and then began a relationship with her. She has struggled with the lifestyle the entire time. She is not attracted to other women, did not like anyone to know about her relationship, and has been told by other lesbians that she isn't gay. Yet, her partner, through much turmoil, has tried to convince her otherwise. She still loves her former partner and really doesn't want to hurt her, but the stress has been tearing her apart. I read somewhere that a woman is not necessarily a lesbian just because she has sex with or is in a relationship with another woman, it is possible for a woman to be straight, but to fall in love with a close friend and then allow the relationship to escalate. Could it be that the woman you were with and the woman I am currently with are not really gay, their love is genuine and they even enjoy the sexual aspect of the relationship, but deep down, their questioning is caused by them knowing they are not really gay I imagine the conflict must be tremendous.

 

My advice to you is to give her space to find out, but if it turns out that she either continues to struggle or says that she is not gay, and I know that this is a painful thought (a broken relationship always is), but wouldn't you be happier in the long run with someone who is comfortable being openly gay?

 

I hope this helps and please let me know what you think. I am still unsure as to how much I should get involved with this woman.

[Channy1727]

GET OVER HER!!! wow what a cow! how selfish can someone get!! i agree with someone who said that even if she is trying to figure out what sexuality she is, she does NOT have the right to cheat on you (more than once) in order to find out! tell her you are better off without her and tell her where to shove it! cause serilusly dude, why do you want to go out with someone who cheats on you! honestly!

[Channy1727]

by the way, just so you know what i was talking about, im in a relationship with a girl been going for 3 years, and like maybe 6 months ago, i walked in on her having sex with a guy. broke my heart, i didnt eat or sleep for maybe a week(lost alot of weight, one upside). but the thing is, i was angry and stuff and had never hated any body as much as her, but i still gave her another chance! i had huge problems a while after that, cause i was worried about who she was attracted to and if i could ever measure up to what a guy could give her. STUFF THAT now!!

but yeh my point is, you may think you can forigve her now, but its something you seriously can not forget for a while. and it has bad consequences for the future. its just something really horrible to go thru. i say you look for someone else(or even a few other ppl).

[Mettaone]

It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Luckily my ex didn't cheat on me but it felt like it in a way. I'm so sorry that that happened to you. You really don't deserve it. I can't tell you how hard a time I've been having. You can read my story on here. It's very similiar. I was left very heart broken. It's too difficult for me to speak to her now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to knowing that she will be with men and possibly want children with one someday. I guess all I can say is that this will take so much time to get over. I think it will take me years and I don't think I'll be ready for a relationship for a very long time. I feel so scard. Hopefully we'll both find the right person someday. But I guess this is the time where we have to allow this to just be what it is. It's sucks. I hate being alone. To be able to share love with another is the greatest feeling ever. Maybe one day our ex's will realize they had something good and they lost it. Only time will tell. The best of luck to you and me too.