What am I living for????

[people500]

Hi, I'm feeling really down and really want to let these things out. I don't think I could ever kill myself but have been having the ¨what am I living for feeling”. I feel like I've reached the climax in my life. I've had friends, mainly from things I've been a part of... Work, youth group, game groups etc... I survived on my own for 3 years. Well I rented a room, but was very independent. Never been in a realtionship, really have no desire for it anymore. Use to live near San Fransisco and did many fun things there. One of the highlights was seeing Lion King on Broadway. I got to hangout with a guy who was a lot like a guy I'd want to be with. We stoped talking but I honesly don't feel like I'll never meet someone like that again. A little about me... I'm 23 years old am homosexual and have aspergers syndrome. If you remember Elliot Rodger the guy who mudered 6 people a few months ago. He also had aspergers syndome. While I would NEVER kill anyone, I watched some of his youtube videos and really realted to when he talked about being alone and living for just living for the beauty of nice scenary such as a golf couse that he was at. One big difference between us is the subject of love. He had strong desires for love and sex, and was so upset that he couldn't get a girlfriend, and that no girls wanted him. While I've know quite a few guys who have wanted to be with me, but I don't really have the desire for love or sex anymore. One thing I'm very greatful for is my looks. People say I look like Michael Phelps or Andrew Luck. I am a lil smaller than them, I weigh about 160. I have a high motablisim, and am very active, but still look pretty good. I have so many flaws, that a least I can feel good about something. I have a lil speach problem so sometimes people can't understand me, my jaws not alinged properly, my ribcage Isn't straight so one part of my chest is bigger than the other... My biggest problem in life is my realtionship with people. I'm very mature for my age. I don't drink, do any sort of drugs, don't hang out with anyone or really have any friends anymore, and like I mentioned before not interested in love. So then I look after everyone else they pretty much are the exact opposite... Most people my age party, drink, maybe do or have tried drugs, they are usually with friends or their realtionship parter, and most people like to have sex. So most of the time I feel like I'm from mars. I don't drive so I'm usually walking everywhere I go so I'm around it all day long. I always have my headphones on, if my ipod dies it sucks. Oh another thing all the judging and geeting made fun of I have to deal with. Worst time was when I was kicked the hell out of by some kids, a few months ago. They actually broke my left arm. Scariest thing that has ever happened to me. Luckily I'm almost all healed, but probably never forget that. Everywhere I go I feel like an outcast, even at the jobs I've had. I kind of think of most people kind of like clones. They may look, talk and act a lil different but mostly everyone likes the same things. The things I mentioned before that I don't do or get involved in. I saw the movie Fight Club with Brad Pitt a few weeks ago, and it made me think of myself. The concept of the movie was doing things different than everyone else. Lol while they did bad things different in the movie, I can realate to living that "differnent lifestyle”. Lastly I want to talk about my parents, mainly my mother. She helped me a lot in life, homeschooled me from 6 grade till the end. I did all the work but she was there to take my to all my classes to meet with the teachers. Trust me I do love her but our realtionship now is not so good. Like I said earlier, I lived on my own for 3 years, but since I've moved with them to Southern California a few months ago I feel like it was like it was before. They would scream at me, and get me so upset and then I'd just lay in bed and cry and feel so alone. It took me a couple months for my arm to heal, and then last month I stayed home and so I can take care of our dogs. She got back a week and a half ago and is pissed that I haven't found and job yet. Even though I've been going out everyday and looking for one, and even introduce myself to the hiring managers. All she talks about is how she wants me to move out and how I make the house ”toxic”. I try to talk to her, but she only wants to talk about, what SHE wants to talk about. If I talk about something she usually doesn't care. I'll get a short ”oh” or ”good”. I also try to explain to her that I takes time to get a job, and you have to wait from them to call you for an interview, but it goes on ear and out the other. Would love to hear any advice or comments you guys have. Thanks

[GreySkyEyes]

Hey people500! First of all i'm glad to hear that you aren't considering suicide, but if those thoughts to occur please make sure to call the suicide helpline (1-800-273-8255) reach out to someone you're comfortable talking to. It sounds like living at home may be toxic for YOU and it may be best to get your own place again as soon as you can find a job and get back on your feet (easier said than done, I know). I'd also encourage you to see a therapist if you don't already have one. The could definitely help you sort out your questions about lack of sexual desire (its possible you could be asexual, and if so theres a large and supportive community of people for you) and the painful experiences you've had with bullying. I am truly sorry that you had to go through that, there are a lot of cruel people in the world. As for the feeling different because you don't drink, do drugs, or party and aren't interested in sex...you aren't too different there! I'm your same age and was never interested in the party scene and new many others who weren't either...its all about finding a niche of people with similar interests. For me it was board-gamers and outdoors enthusiasts, but I knew many non-partyers who were religious or just preferred simple fun...point is, there are young people out there like you! Its possible these "what am I living for" feelings are being brought on especially strong because of your recent move and current in-flux state of trying to find a job and a place to settle down. I hope that is the case, but it could definitely be helpful for you to talk to a professional about your feelings too!

 

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you...it'll get better

[people500]

Thanks so much greyeyes!!! That was one of the best responces I've received! I totally see what you're saying for sure. I'm hoping once I'm on my feet again thing will be good again. I'm definitly am not asexual, I just don't feel I should do sexual things with others...

[mesmerized]

I know it's not really related to your problem but... I envy you... You live in California, one of the coolest places in the US most probably and you have a place to go back to...