Looking around

[anon_a_mouse]

Hi. Just looking for some thoughts on this, I was in a relationships a while back and when it started I did notice myself looking around at other women (more than usual) and kinda comparing -sometimes feeling I'm more physically attracted to them than I am my girlfriend. I'm just wondering if this is normal when you're in a relationship? I do tend to be a person that compares what I have with others, sometimes don't appreciate what I have myself - tend to have that "grass is greener" attitude to some things. Thanks

[gdgfx]

Hey man, sounds like insecurity more than anything. Are you sure you aren't checking out other women because you have insecurities within yourself? Do you feel attractive when you were around this girl? Did you feel happy? Did she make you feel good? This sounds like a situation where you want more than you can have. Love is all you need my friend, I've learnt that myself. Having luckily got the biggest opportunity of my life so far to be with the woman of my dreams. I too, had the same concept that you have. I'd find myself picking at things, I'd find myself comparing her to other women when the problem was... myself. I was insecure, I didn't feel good and it wasn't because of her. I would pick because things were normal. And I thought normal was not okay. I wanted her to be this, that and everything and eventually I realised... Hey I've got an amazing woman here and.. I don't want to lose her. She is everything I want otherwise.. I wouldn't even say she is. It's not like I can lie to myself and get away with it, she is genuinely the one I want.

 

So taking my example and mixing it with yours, it sounds like the same thing. Look, if you like each other, if you even LOVE each other (I guess like comes before love) then that's all you need. Comparing your girl to someone else, finding holes in logic that don't need to be found, is just a sign that you aren't happy with yourself. And you'll never be happy if you can't settle on someone whos just great. She doesn't have to be the most beautiful aesthetically pleasing woman, she doesn't have to have a PhD or be rich. You just have to love her for the person she is and she has to do the same for you.

 

Just be yourself.

[anon_a_mouse]

Wow - what great words. Thanks.

[Katrinagirl]

Wow - what great words. Thanks.

 

Yes I agree, those were great words from gdgfx! Some good stuff on this board today....

 

anon, I am female and when I was younger, I used to do the same thing. Yes it's insecurity, but it's also immaturity. What I finally learned to do was, once committed, I "made the decision" to remain committed. That meant love and appreciate my boyfriend for everything he IS and not focus on what he isn't. And not compare or wish he were like anyone else. Once you make the decision that you are 100% fully invested in the RL and committed, your need to compare her to others will slowly start to dissipate.

 

Comparing and finding flaws are what people with commitment issues do. Because they are unable to and/or incapable of making the decision to fully commit. They always have one foot out the door, always looking, always searching, for something new.....something different from what they have.

 

I believe that's what happening too (in addition to your insecurity). F. Scott Peck said "love is a decision," and I truly believe that. Of course love is a feeling also, but feelings can be fleeting, but a decision is final. When two people get married, they are committed for life, through thick and thin, ups and down, peaks and valleys, all of it. And while their feelings for each other may ebb and flow throughout the years, the DECISION to remain committed does not.

 

So if you want to have a healthy, long term committed relationship, next time you meet a girl you really like and you believe she has the potential for a long term RL...after dating and getting to know her for awhile, make the decision to fully invest in developing that, and eventually committing (in your heart) and stick to it. Just do it.

[gdgfx]

I agree fully with Katrinagirl. I mean, from the opposite fence - I also agree; sometimes it CAN be hard to trust and commit and maybe the reason(s) why that is the case might have nothing to do with the person who is facing these issues. Abandonment issues perhaps, being used in the past, failed relationships, being abused, being manipulated, lied to, cheated on. It can make a person completely change even if that person they love is the best they ever had. I think everyone understands the concept of being unable to commit. Perhaps because the person feels they aren't ready, its related very similar if not directly because of those just mentioned issues. And that starts a whole tidal wide of consequential effects like commitment issues. Will this happen to me again? If it does, I'm back where I were before. How can I prevent it? I'm sure everyone on here has been through bad times in regards to this situation, I have especially. The reason why I'am not with the woman I love so much is because of these sort of circumstances but I find it strange because I'm offering advice I know is right, yet, I can't take it myself. And so, because of issues I've battled in the past - I start to jam up, nitpick, stab, destroy, whatever harmful words you can think of. I'm lucky I have an amazing woman who understands and knows that I love her because, I really did a number on her.

 

But sometimes it's easy to feel the need to search for something more because really I was searching within myself. So my life had to match my journey. The 'Im going places, moving forward, never stopping' mentality that ensured that people I met wouldn't become such an important role in my life, would be there but I wouldn't become dependent. It's just a clear sign that your mind isn't in the right place. It's not like you don't want someone you know you love and for all the right reasons, it's because you aren't ready and you push them away. All these reasons, they are correlated to the same issue. Commitment. And commitment issues usually transpire from trust issues. And it affected MY relationship BIG. TIME. Like anon_a_mouse, I'd find myself questioning this girl I loved so much, making her feel like she wasn't worth it. Not because I'm nasty, but I felt like coming out straight with all this bulls*it about how I'm on a journey to find myself and we aren't right for each other was me really crying out to be loved and accepted, I just wanted more and more. When in reality, calming the f**k down and seeing life for what it is, and accepting everything for the way it is, is the best way to go.

 

Truth is, you might never find the perfect person. She/He might be amazing, might be beautiful, might be everything you ever wanted but there are always going to be flaws in a person. If you can't fully invest yourself in someone you chose to have a relationship with in the first place and who you developed feelings for, then that explains the OP's original question. It's down to you and not her/him. That's not a relationship problem! That's a you problem! Just like it was a me problem.

 

But if you aren't ready for a relationship then don't dive in head first. Take your time, make sure you are ready because half of the problem will be; either being ready or not. It's okay to have been through bad relationships, we all meet nasty people whether we choose to accept that or not is down to a lot of things, our environment mainly but also our outlook on life. You might meet someone, have a brief fling and then you never hear from them again. That's experience, but it should be used to better yourself and not incriminate yourself. If you feel like you have these feelings for a reason. A reason to judge someone. A reason to make something special seem like it's not, then in a way, you are only incriminating yourself with your own insecurities and that just says... Leave me alone. Let me make myself available. I'm not ready for a relationship. A big reason why I'am single now because, I'm just not ready for a relationship no matter how much I love this woman. Not because we aren't right for each other. Not because I don't love her and she doesn't love me. But because, this should always be the best way to go about things. If you have issues, things to do, milestones to reach and you can't reach them because you are aiming high then reach those milestones first and when you feel you've settled everything in your mind - then make yourself available for a relationship.

 

All these things boil down to commitment and trust.

It takes two to tango, if your mind isn't there then you shouldn't be dancing. It's okay not to be happy or secure, but it's not okay to lay that burden on the woman/man you love.