Thrill or Crisis?

[Jetta]

So my husband thinks my interest in this other guy is a "thrill of the chase" kind of thing. Well maybe he thinks that to make himself feel better. Honestly I don't know what to think. I know that I'm unhappily married and have been thinking about a divorce for a while, however I can't bring myself to do it. I have way too much stress going on in my life and am also wondering if I'm experiencing a midlife crisis at 30. Dad's health deteriotating, son issues, etc...

 

Oddly 30 has hit me like a mack truck. I feel like I went from 27 to 30 and I'm still in shock. Now all this other stuff is happening and a 25 year old guy who smokes has caught my attention. I'm a non-smoker. I mean he's so wrong for me in so many ways, yet I'm drawn to him in a way I've never felt drawn to a guy before. I've been trying to contain myself, but it's hard. I'm glowing. People are giving me free stuff, staring at me in a positive way (no idea why), etc.! That hasn't happened since I was a teen! I'm just in a state of bliss even thinking about him. My husband is 29, but 25 just seems so young to me (my little brother is 27).

 

Of course the only person who hates this change is my husband, and rightfully so I guess. Part of me thinks this is all in my head, but I know the other guy is interested, he's just standoffish because I am married. He's a bartender. I know, but one reason I married my husband was because he had a descent job. Look where that got me? The bartender mixes my drinks strong, and I know it's because I become super chatty and happy when I'm drunk. That and he told me he mixed it strong. LOL Of course now I'm starting to think he's losing interest, but it could just be because I've been trying to avoid him.

 

Anyway this has rattled on long enough. Do you think I going through a midlife crisis or what?

[Tinkerbell]

Well Jetta, you very well could be going through a midlife crisis, although it's certainly hard for an outsider to make this assumption. You're obviously uncertain about yourself at the moment, so perhaps you should take some time to think before you throw your marriage down the drain. What is so wrong with your husband? Surely, he has some good qualities, or you probably wouldn't have married him in the first place.

 

Your husband does have a point with this whole "thrill of the chase" theory. Perhaps it's just the chance of a new exciting relationship with a young man that is so intriguing and appealing to you at this point in your life because your marriage has been experiencing some letdowns. But once this point passes, who's to say your relationship with this bartender will last?

 

I'd love to help you as best as I can, but I'm going to need some more details. How long have you been unhappy with your husband for, exactly what is it about him that causes this dislike? My initial reaction was that he is handling your lust for another man in a mature fashion, as most people would not bother to think of a thrill of the chase theory, but rather go into a fit of jealousy and refuse to accept reality - he definitely deserves credit for that.

[RockG]

If your marriage is really bad.... divorce the guy! He would just have to get over you don't like your life with him! But in my opion.. when/if you get a divorce.. look for a better guy other than the bartender b/c this could just be part of your life that your feeling different and confusioning things, like a mid-life crisis, but maybe you just have lust for the guy! So if that is true.. and when/if you get divorced go and see if the relationship

could work! Or if you what to try to stay with your hubby.. go to a couple counsler! Just think about all this and think about it good!!

 

Just some ideas..

[Jetta]

I mentioned marriage counseling thing to him. He thinks that's a waste. I should go but he doesn't need to. I've recently realized a lot of things about our marriage. One being I married for the wrong reasons (security not love), see the irony? The other is we don't relate, connect, etc. He ignores me most of the time. Basically what's keeping me here is our 2 1/2 year old. We've been married for 4 years.

 

I'm not sure what else you would need to know tinkerbell.

[Hailey]

Hey Jetta! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

 

I know what you mean about being in 30s. It like being a milestone, like a chapter in your life that you will be closing, because I felt like that too and it took me months to get over it (My 30th birthday two months ago ). Being in your 20s makes you feel carefree, no worries. But being in your 30s people expect you to be more 'grounded'. However, remember, it's how you make it: no expectations, no pressure! You probably felt "That's it?" but I can tell you there're alot more you can do! Just do it babe!

 

I agreed it's a "thrill of the chase" at your "30s". I too (still) enjoyed that VERY MUCH cos it proved that you're still young and attractive. There's nothing wrong with that at all. Flirting is fun! But just one thing - Don't mix up lust and love. I'd say it's lust on the bartender. You'd deserve someone better!

 

It's gonna be fine!

[Tinkerbell]

Well, if you are genuinely unhappy than perhaps the answer for you is divorce. However, I am not suggesting you hop in the sack with the bartender as soon as your marriage has officially been ended, because then you would once again be falling into the trap of going someone for the wrong reasons: Lust instead of love.

[Jetta]

I never lusted after my husband. I thought he was nice but unattractive. My friend told me she was trying to set him up with another friend. I was trying to hook them up, but after a couple beers I was very chatty and I guess more appealing. He ended up calling me and asking me out a week later. He got my number from the friend. He made no impression on me, I had no idea who was calling and really wasn't interested. But, my mom said give him a chance, my friend said he such a nice guy, blah blah blah.

 

We went on a double date, and after a few drinks my friend talked me into kissing him (she worked hard on it and for some reason I caved). He was a virgin and never dated anyone before me, I later found out. I got into a relationship I never wanted to be in and tried repeatedly to get out of. The problem was I was always listening to the others telling me how good he was for me, how much he loved me, etc... Now I'm unhappyily married to man that really bugs me in a lot of ways, but is really good in other ways and feel guilty for creating this mess in the first place.

 

** Sidenote: I was separated from my abusive/cheating huband about 8-10 months before meeting my current husband. I figured they all knew something about men I obviously didn't, and trusted them over myself. It was wrong wrong wrong, and now I don't know if I can make this work (mainly for the child we share) or just move on.

[RockG]

Jetta,

If your worried about your son! If you truly want a divorce get one while he is young! If you wait until he is 5-10 or so on, not only you would be unhappy but him too. My parents were going to get a divorce when i was fourteen.. i couldn't take the idea of that.. but while he is young.. yea he'll miss "daddy" but he will see him and get use to the divorce...

So if you want a divorce get one while he is young.. and if you are really unhappy just do what is right in your own heart.. only you know all the reasons.. only you know why.. and only you can make the choice.. do what is right for you.. what makes you happy and think about everything but do what is right for you!

 

Happy New Year & good luck!

[ticklebug]

ok, so when you met your current husband, whenever you had a few drinks in you, you found yourself liking him more and seeing him as more attractive than when you were sober...but when you are with him on a day to day basis you find things that annoy you...

 

now you say you are lusting after a bartender....one can only assume from that you are AT a bar when you see him and have a few drinks in you...when you are sober you are already expressing things about this bartender you don't like (smoking for one)...

 

hmmmmm...pattern perhaps?

[Jetta]

Well I met my 1st husband at work (a summer job), I thought he was a really good looking jerk. Turned out to be true.

 

My 2nd husband I met at a bar through friends. A group of us friends hadn't seen each other in years at met up for a few drinks and reminscing. My husband was a friend of a friend. He took a liking to me, rather than the girl he was being set up with. And yes it took alcohol to get me interested in him, and I was already tipsy when he arrived. I was trying to get him and the other girl to talk but it backfired.

 

This other guy is one I found attractive before having a drink. He's cute and sweet, but he smokes. I don't normally drink (contrary to what you think), and I have met men in grocery stores and other places, but never ended up in a relationship with those guys.