Arrggh! Get this girl out of my head!!!

[asmodai]

Okay i've been thinking it over - i'm not 100% sure if i want her as a friend or not, but either way my mind cant clear itself of her...

 

Quick background- always liked this girl- dated her earlier in the year but she broke it off, and i now heard she went back to her ex (she was going out with another guy before me and it was a long term relationship). After the breakup she maintained she wanted to be friends and that she'd call and we'd do something together...she never did. I wouldn't say its because she flat didn't want to stay in touch, probably more because i took the breakup bad at the time and also she isnt the sort of girl to call me alot (if that makes sense)...

 

I've had NC for 8 months now.... but like i said shes still in my head and I think i would have liked her as a friend.

 

So what about if i break NC to send her a text, was just going to say:

 

"Hi Ains. Hope u had a good year, would have liked to stay in touch as friends- sad that u didn't but that was your call. Best wishes & hope things work out 4 u."

 

Should I send it?? I'm not 100% sure- like i feel i want her around still but not sure if its because i miss her as a friend, or because i still have feelings for her... id say 80% friend, 20% possible feelings at the moment.

 

Thoughts anyone????

[Wimpy]

Hey are you really sure that after 8 months of NC you want to stir up the past again? That must have really been a tough 8 months for you. I guess the question is can you deal with all the emotions it might throw up? Oh and I'd definitely not recommend sending a text...it's fraught with difficulties..you send it and then spend every waking moment waiting for a reply...if one doesn't come you then wonder "did she receive it"..."should I call to see if she received it".... "has her number changed"...

 

If you do decide to make contact I'd say phone her so you can have an answer then and there.

 

Whatever you do make sure you're protecting your best interests after going so long and getting your head together. Don't put yourself in jeopardy.

 

Hope that helps...whatever you do I wish you all the best.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Thats sounds like a good text to be sent out to her. But maybe u can improve a bit more from that.

 

How about, instead of saying sad that u didnt, but that was ur call..

say this..

 

 

"Hi Ains. Hope u had a good year, would have liked to stay in touch. Best wishes & hope things work out 4 u. .. U can reject people from being your friend, but do let me to keep u as a friend in my heart.

 

I hope this last sentence is enough to win her over. Thanks for reading..

[asmodai]

Wimpy: Its been a tough 8 months for sure..but this forum shows that i'm not in a unique situation, as the REM song says everybody hurts sometimes...

 

Prosper: I don't want to 'win her over' in any way. To be honest i tried all that crap when she broke it off - texted her with things like - "it hurt me you would leave rather than try to work it out, but respect your wishes and guess you have to follow your heart. All i ever wanted was for you to be happy and if this is how best that can be done then I am consoled by that" etc.. i tried then and dont want to try now.

 

I dont think i was ready to be her friend until now anyway, but was kinda hoping that she would have at least tried to keep contact.

 

I just want to let her know that I wanted to be friends, still do, and was sad that she didn't at the time, or at least didnt show that she did - even after saying she'd call and we'd do something as friends....(damn, now I"M confused )

 

Like not see her every week sort of thing, just a quick email, or a coffee once every few months..but i'm unsure since she never tried to call me...

[Prosper]

Hi..

 

I dun mean to win her over as a gf. U read carefully.

 

I only add that sentence so that she can drop all ideas that u want more of her as a frd, to u wan a friend in your heart. I only express your wishes, such that when she read that msg, she will feel bowled over by ur sincerity to be her friend and come back to you.

 

Thats all.

 

P.S: If someone u dun like, msg u this. Would u reply something good?

If i were the receiver, i would reply something good back. To do to others in which u want others to do to u. The key point lies in here..

[ticklebug]

asmodai...

 

8 months is a huge accomplishment...the fact you have any doubts on sending it should really be an indication to you that you shouldn't bother...

 

if she pops in your head every once in a while it's very normal...good and bad memories...it's a part of your past, a part of who you are...

 

considering what she did to you, she really wouldn't have made a very good friend, so consider it a blessing she didn't keep in contact...sometimes things happen for a reason...

[asmodai]

Prosper: Thanks, i reread my last post and think i got my wires crossed a bit. Basically i have no interest in trying to 'sweet talk' her into a friendship- that shouldn't need to be done, so i didn't want to try and make her feel guilty just say I want to be friends, its my impression that you didn't, in my opinion thats a shame but good luck with the rest of your life...thats ALL i want to say to her. I dont want to pressure her just bring up the topic incase she was too shy to...

 

Yeah, i've been telling myself that she's not worth it, but it seems such a waste to throw EVERYTHING away, like it all meant nothing, was all for nothing.. Yes yes, these experiences if nothing else help you 'grow as a person' etc etc.,

 

but if you spend some time with someone and get to know them intimatley (not just physically...like know alot about them, likes/dislikes, what makes them laugh, what they want out of life etc.) then why should it make sense to just abandon that entirely. Looking back we were a disaster as a relationship, but at least in my opinion would've had a great friendship if she'd given it a go.

[Prosper]

Hi..

 

So u want to sounds sarcastic to her? She will be pissed by that, dun worry..

 

*pat* *pat* i understand ur point here..

[ticklebug]

then why should it make sense to just abandon that entirely

 

so does that mean that every single person you have ever crossed paths with, with the exception of this girl you still keep in contact with? And I mean right down to pre-school =) (little humorous sarcasm, but you get the idea)

 

asmodi - you don't abandon anything or anyone entirely, the memories you have live on forever....but not everyone in your life at some point is meant to stay there...

 

very rarely do friendships after relationships go as well as you think they will....history gets in the way....unresolved feelings (and there always are some)...many times it's more work staying friends then it ever was a lovers...because you try so hard to not let the past be a part of it...take a look at all the posts on here about trying to stay friends...has to tell you something about the reality of it.

[asmodai]

Sarcastic? What i meant was that was just all i wanted the message to say (like the whole reason i want to send it) wasn't how I was going to actually WORD things with her, obviously i'd put it in a much nicer way and i outlined that in my first post with what I actually wanted to text her.

 

Girls have come and gone before, but No other girl has EVER had this affect on me, for some reason she's stuck in my head and its frustrating because i can't figure out why!!

 

I'm pretty sure it's not because i want her back - neither of us were really happy in the relationship at the time (mostly due to external reasons in both our lives)- the only way that would ever happen would be if she offered, i have no intention to persue her for that AT ALL, but i still cant see why i cant forget her, or at least sweep her under the rug.... the only reason I would think is that i genuinely miss her as a person and want her to be in my life still, like just to stay in touch..

 

Bah, i have no clue.... perhaps i should just drop the whole thing but then i'll always wonder.

[ticklebug]

Girls have come and gone before, but No other girl has EVER had this affect on me, for some reason she's stuck in my head and its frustrating because i can't figure out why!!

 

probably because she is the only one you parted company with that was unresolved...any of the others you didn't play the "let's be friends game" or you did and you mutually agreed it wasnt working....

 

this girl is the only one that left you wondering "what if"...so of course you are letting your curiosity get the best of you...

 

thing about texting tho, you will always wonder esp. if she doesn't respond...then you just add to your problem because you them wonder why she didn't respond...and there's a whole other list of reasons you can mull through your head...

 

from that isn't her phone number anymore to she hates my guts to maybe her phone wasnt on whenI texted (they don't go thru if the phone isn't on)...

 

is she REALLY worth potentally adding agony to already incurred injury?

[asmodai]

Ticklebug: Yeah you make a fair point, it sounds quite logical and you're right.I know i'm hardly in a unique situation - heck everyone in their life must go through this at one point at least...

 

But ill reemphasise that its only THIS girl, others have come and gone and thats the most annoying part- its why i cant just forget it entirely. This one girl, I have no real explaination, beleve me i've been going in circles for 8 months trying to figure out what it means to me.

 

I feel like the only way i will be able to resolve this issue is to meet another girl, but i guess that could be a bit unfair to her if i put my hopes that she can make me forget all about this girl..

[ticklebug]

you will probably never forget her...people have pet peeves and the whole "abandonment" this girl did is one of yours...you are the proverbial chalkboard and she's the fingernails...

 

BUT, on the same hand (no pun intended) once you do meet another girl....this other one will have less significance...because part of what your feeling is wondering if it was something about YOU that made her just disappear...and having another woman in your life will help validate that you actually are a pretty decent guy after all and the ex doesn't know what she missed out on in you as a friend.

[Prosper]

Sorry asmodai,

 

I was the one who made u wonder, and use ur brains to think.

 

U message earlier to her, that u grant her wish to follow her heart and which she did. And had done so.

 

Next u are intending to message her that, sad she didnt, is going to sounds sarcastic to her. But carefree in a way for u

 

I was adding that sentence for you, is to let u know if u wan her to be a friend, U can still HAVE her back. Coz thats what u wan, right? U feel pity that she abandon u for a reason, she didnt very much explain to u. U feel sad that after so much intimate feelings u have shared and yet it is not returned back as a friend.

 

But u see, i dun find that a waste. As u have said just now this is a good experience to grow into somebody even better than now. And through this lesson, u learnt that being friends after relationships are tough.

 

Hence, what makes u think it is going to be easy to cherish the moments together but yet maintain as a friend for her?

[asmodai]

Sorry, i'm replying every time you're replying so i'm a bit behind (slow typer ).

 

Again, you make perfect sense but I just want to resolve that 'what if' question, in a way its been answered by the fact shes back with the other guy for now (although hers and my mutual friend is sure they're not going to work out - not that i take any value from that statement cos its between her and the other guy..) , so most of that 'what if' i've been carrying around all this time has gone, but a little bit remains and it annoys the hell out of me! !.

[ticklebug]

if you absolutley positively 100% HAVE to solve it (you men, I swear...always have to fix stuff LOL)

 

Texting is cowardly...CALL HER. Dont text. CALL. Hear the voice...get the words...CALL.

 

You eliminte the wonder if she got the text or not...and it takes care of your little issue.

[asmodai]

Hey!!, we're a bit dim but we get there in the end

 

Like i said i'll hold off for now, most likley until the next few days when i feel this way again... (joke...kindof )

 

The way i thought texting her was better would be that it would be casual (ie: wouln'dt it be strange for me to call her totally out of the blue?), plus i can put down EXACTLY what i need to say (and not say something or say it in a stupid way etc). Ringing her up would be akin to going round to her house, and asking her face to face why she never called- i clearly dont want to be THAT upfront.

 

I probably should hold off... regardless of what I think of her and the other guy that shes back with, its best left for them to figure out without me interfering - dont get me wrong, i believe my intentions are good- i dont want to get invoved with whats going on with him and her, and I dont want to get back into a relationship with her (but to be honest i'm not 100% sure of this, so its probably for the best). It would be a bit awkward since she's just gotten back with him, and then suddenly hears from me... that in itself could be misinterpreted.

 

With any luck i'll find a job far far away from this town and her (i just graduated uni after 5 years..), meet another girl and finally let that last piece of her go...

[ticklebug]

texting is the same thing as calling...it's still on the phone and it's still out of the blue...(love to hear how you figure texting wouldn't be considered out of the blue LOL)

 

calling isn't the same as going to her house...being on the phone isn't face to face.

 

if you have to, write yourself a script LOL

 

but I still go with just let it drop...you are about to embark on a new chapter in your life (congrats on graduating!) the call/text/whatever wont be near as life altering as you think it could be....

[asmodai]

Okay they're both out of the blue, but calling requires alot more effort than texting so IMO might be a bit more 'expected' because its the easiest thing to do, if that makes any sense...which it prolly doesnt

 

Yeah i'll pretty much have to drop it for now. Guess we all want to know what might have been... I hate to have had the door shut on things like this tho, the futures uncertain and i dont know if i can ever shake this feeling.. guess i should get off this computer and go meet some women!

 

Thanks for your replys, its been a big help. If anyones got further thoughts or can relate to my situation i'd still like to hear..

 

Cheers.

[Prosper]

Hi asmodai,

 

U will have a new girl in ur life soon, dun worry.

I support ur decision to put that off, u are a smart guy.

Enjoy ur graduation day, it is once in a lifetime.

[ticklebug]

easiest thing to do

 

I'd insert a different word for "easiest" =)

[asmodai]

What like 'stupidest'?

Maybe i should have said 'most predictable' then...

 

I've still decided to hold off contacting her...but still feel exactly the same as yesterday, and will likely feel the same tomorrow- guess 8 months of feeling this way wont change suddenly.

 

Was looking forward to new years but my friends have pretty much agreed that they dont want to go out this year (honestly, has this EVER occurred in a bunch of early 20's guys, its never been recorded in history ) - its ironic though, cos it's usually the other way around, but i always went anyway.

 

So that means i'll be bringing in the new year at home, alone.. sucks..

 

Ah well, at least i can start early and get my hands dirty fixing my car (I have to pull the engine apart - its a big job ) but at least a few skinned nuckles and swear words should keep me busy for a while..

[DragonGirl724]

you are so right we ARE in the exact same boat...this sucks. do u have aol i.m.? id like to talk about this b4 i go make an *ss out of myself.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

well i sent the mass email...i got a reply...

 

"same to you "

 

was all what was said....i guess nothing came of it.

 

a cold reply i think. well, i tried.

 

-DG724