Survey: Women: how do we turn you on?

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I'm with a girl that I want to turn on. I can turn her on when:

 

We go dancing.

She has a little alcohol in her.

When I make her feel like she is the best lover (gives the best BJs, turns me on like no other, etc.).

When we cuddle and cuddle and move towards dry humping

When we reminisce about good sex

 

But unlike most women, she doesn't seem to be turned on verbally. I say things over the phone:

 

"I want my mouth where it was last night," "i want to look up at your breasts from between your legs"

"I want to just hold you naked"

"Do you want a massage?"

Sometimes I try talking a little dirtier too

 

Is there anything I can do?

 

Note: We are pretty much just "friends with benefits" so I can see that we don't have the deeper connection so this might be a problem. But if there is anything that I can do to turn her on I'd like to try. I worry that when I'm married and in love that I might have this same problem. So let me try a different question:

 

How can you turn on a woman that just doesn't seem to want sex as much as I do?

[ticklebug]

this is where the male/female sexual arousal is at it's most polar.

 

Men, by nature, are visual and tactile (touch) when it comes to sex, part of why many women get upset when their guy watches porn or goes to a strip club. Some women have a hard time grasping the concept that a man can do these things, but still be devoted to a certain woman.

 

Women, by nature, are more in tune to the "feeling", the intimacy...a lot of women actaully get turned off by being talked dirty to, because they feel it cheapens them in some way. A woman likes to feel special & wanted in the bedroom...and not in a for lack of a better way to put it at the moment "dime store hooker" type of way. Don't get me wrong, they like it to feel good just as much as a man does, but eventally it needs to FEEL good too...

 

This is partly why friends with benefits tends to blow up at some point...you might be at that point where she wants more from this than you are able to give...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

thanks for the response tickle bug. But can you think of something that was said or done that turned you on in the past?

 

There's a book called "10,000 ways to say I love you" Now a book like this is able to give me 10,000 examples of how to say "I love you". Now I know that it isn't that hard for women to come up with a list of examples, "I was so turned on when my bf/husband ______"

 

So what's if for you? I have had several women tell me they love it when a guy picks them up.

 

And about the FWB thing blowing up. I think yours is the relationship example that is misapplied to FWB. If two adults are mature enough to enter into a FWB then it doesn't follow that this relationship will blow up, it will remain unfulfilled, which is why we are both still looking elsewhere.

[ticklebug]

how do you really know she is looking elsewhere? You might be, but she just might be looking to you to become that "more"...

 

your assumption that she is "unlike most women" because she doesn't get turned on verbally is incorrect. She IS the norm.

 

Sure it's fun for a while...but like I said, after a while women start to crave more than "just sex"...

 

the person you need to ask this question to is your partner....if you are really looking to make sex more enjoyable for her then you need to understand that with women, it is a very personal thing.

 

BTW - being picked up and swooped into bed to a woman is a romantic geture...as I stated in my previous post to you...women want to feel intimate and wated...and that is a sign of it.

 

talking dirty and the like is non-emotional enough to keep things in a FWB light...but when you start swooping her off her feet and things of that nature, you are running the fine line of her taking it as more feelings are involved than there were previously.

 

I can't give you examples, I've been married for a long time and what turns me on are the intimate things my husband and I have...even if it is brushing the hair out of my face as I'm making dinner for our family...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

how do you really know she is looking elsewhere? You might be, but she just might be looking to you to become that "more"...

You're right I might not be CERTAIN. But I do know that I am in a better position to judge that you are. I know the guy she likes, and we talk about him. We are both in love with other people that we cant be with and we both know we are not really right for each other. So I may not be CERTAIN that she is looking elsewhere, but I am fairly certain.

 

your assumption that she is "unlike most women" because she doesn't get turned on verbally is incorrect. She IS the norm.

Well I think you missunderstood me. Men get turned on more visually than verbally, women are the other way around. That's what I meant.

 

Sure it's fun for a while...but like I said, after a while women start to crave more than "just sex"...

you're right, but are you telling me after 10 years she wouldn't want "just sex" again? how about after 5? How about after 2? You're right, women don't want to have "just sex" but they do want "just sex" sometimes in their life, so if we are both available and wanting, then thats what FWB comes to life.

 

[qutoe]

the person you need to ask this question to is your partner....if you are really looking to make sex more enjoyable for her then you need to understand that with women, it is a very personal thing.

So there is nothing in common between any two women? That's what I mean about specific examples.

 

even if it is brushing the hair out of my face as I'm making dinner for our family...

 

This is what I'm looking for! I guess it doesn't apply to my situation right now, but like I said, I'm also looking future to marriage. Thanks.

[ticklebug]

if it were as easy as you were hoping it would be....there would be a book on it =)

 

knowing what turns a woman on is all a part of your communication with her...if you don't know what she would like, then that means you aren't in tune with who SHE is...and being in tune with her is what is key to a long term, marriage type situation...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

if it were as easy as you were hoping it would be....there would be a book on it =)

 

Actually they're are books on it. Look up "how to give her absolute pleasure". I'm just looking for more opinions (plus I haven't finished the book yet)

 

knowing what turns a woman on is all a part of your communication with her...if you don't know what she would like, then that means you aren't in tune with who SHE is...and being in tune with her is what is key to a long term, marriage type situation...

 

The problem communicating with women (or people in general) is that most of the time people don't know themselves. I once picked up a girl while i was still inside her and walked her over to the bed. She later told me, "I almost came when you did that, I had no idea how much that turns me on" Many times people know some things that turn them on, but don't know everything that turns them on. Hence, the reason why I'm asking in a forum.

[ticklebug]

I'm a psychologist...I know there are books on it but quite frankly I dismiss most of them as someone making money off of other people's insecurities and inability to talk about sex with their partner.

 

It would be more of a turn on to me to have a man come to me and actually ask what he could do to make things better for me (regardless if I had answer right then or not, it would still give me cause to think about it and keep it intimate) than to have something happen, ask him why he tried it and hear "it was on page 43 of "how to give her absolute pleasure"...or some girl on the internet told me about it.

[Day_Walker]

Well first of all if you can turn her on with your actions then why is it so important that you turn her on verbally? I just dont see why you are trying to do this, there is a difference between turning a girl on and saying that you love her. Im not exactly sure which one you are trying to do. If you are want to think of ways to express your feelings to her, then its best that you dont do too much. There is a fine line as to what is acceptable and what comes off as being overly needy. If this isnt a problem in your relationship then I dont see the need for the overkill.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Day_Walker sometimes I can't turn her on with my actions either. I'm looking for general and specific information. Reread through my posts if you don't understand -- general information (look where I talk about future marriage), and specific information (to my current situation with a girl that I'm not really in love with). Also I never mentioned anything about trying to say that I love her. I think you misunderstood me. Tickle and I were talking about something else.

 

And Tickle, why the straw man? You're being presumptious. Who said I didn't go and talk to her about these things (many times she says "I don't know"). And of course I'm not telling her "I found this on page 43." I'm making HER say, "Wow I had no idea that that would turn me on." The whole point of my last post was to show you that I am not only talking to her and trying to get in touch with what she knows, but also to try to surprise her and understand her in ways that she doesn't even know.

[ticklebug]

TIGER =

 

You at one point asked me what would turn me on...that was just the final "edict"...wasn't assuming what you actually did.

 

If she is giving you I don't know's and blowing it off...(not to mention your other post about her hurting during sex) I have a strong suspicion that your FWB relationship is starting to lose it's appeal to her...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Please understand that there are other possibilities. I really think you're way off on this one. Let me give you another possibility.

 

-She has had problems with pain with sex for years with different partners

-We talk about what makes her feel good. She just called me wanting to fool around on the phone.

-Yet I came to this forum looking for ways to spice up the sex. Ways that we both might be unfamiliar with. And I'm also looking to help her with her medical problems.

-Yet we are both VERY HAPPY being in this FWB relationship.

 

Isn't this at least POSSIBLE? It can be possible right? Your idea that this FWB idea is waining is completely wrong. I am receptive to advice on here, and I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you are just wrong in this case.

[ticklebug]

hey, I called it a suspicion, not a fact...isn't that leaving a margin of error?

 

I didn't, and probably most women that read your post, take it as you wanting to "spice up" your sex life...your initial post made it sound as if you wanted to find a way to get her to like being talked dirty to....or responding more to your verbal cues...

 

as if you wanted to know how to get her (or any woman) to like sex the way YOU like it...

[tahlia]

Some women like dirty talk, some don't. You can't change that cause everyone is different. Just do whatever does turn her on, trust me as long as shes getting really turned on she won't care how u do it!

[OceanEyes]

I find that being "talked dirty" to actually is cheapening and nasty, and would probably laugh if my boyfriend tried saying something fake like that to me. Of course, this is just my opinion and I am sure that there are many women who love it, I just happen to be one of the women who doesn't. Also, some of my girlfriends have told me stories about men who have attempted this with them, and haven't found it a pleasurable experience. I think that, if you are going to pull things like that in bed, you had better make sure that this woman is either very sexually adventurous and open-minded, or that she trusts you (otherwise something as seemingly minor as this can result in her being turned off by you completely - and permanently).

 

If, in a FWB situation, she seems to be getting turned off sexually, that there may not be enough substance for her. She may be losing interest, which is bound to happen if the whole "friends with benefits" thing doesn't evolve into something more.

 

When I re-read your first post, it seems like you're asking the women how you can woo her into being more into the dirty-talk thing. If she's shying away from it or doesn't seem as interested, then it (to me anyhow) seems like she's just not into it. If she isn't into it, you might want to think of another approach.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Actually I wasn't referring to dirty talk in particular. Sure 2 of the things I wrote were "dirty", but do you consider "I want to hold you naked," dirty? Maybe, but definitely not "I want to give you a message. I just said that I'm tyring to turn her on and I'm trying different things, and she doesn't get turned on easily. If you reread my question it was:

 

How can you turn on a woman that just doesn't seem to want sex as much as I do?

[ticklebug]

you asked two questions, you asked how to get your current girl more aroused and also, for future women, how to get them to want sex as much as you do...

 

and yeah, "I want to hold you naked" isn't much of a turn on...there isn't a romantic sentiment to it. It's pretty much the equivalent to can I hold your golf club. You should want to hold her regardless if her clothes are on or off...you turn it "dirty" by stripping her.

 

Massages are a very iffy thing...some people just flat out don't like them...and many people who do say yes...don't dare criticize the masseuse....even if they aren't enjoying it. Not everyone equates massage with sex either....no matter how sensual you make it, you hit one actual sore muscle the wrong way...takes all the romance right out of it.

 

On a side note to using the "massage" thing for sex...in high school I think that was probably the #1 way a horney teenage guy tried to make his first move when it came to dating...so when I became an adult and dated...the whole idea of massage became an immature way to approach things.

 

Generally, to turn a woman on, you need to go for what's INSIDE her...and we aren't talking anatomy...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

anyone else have any specific examples of how you get turned on, because I got one example this entire thread!