The cottage

[Mentor]

Hi All,

 

I called Lisa's dad this morning and told him that I would not be able to make it to their cottage today. I explained that it was just too difficult right now...too soon. He understood completely, and said that Lisa probably would as well. I doubt it. I also told him that I wished them all a wonderful Christmas, and that my thoughts were with them all.

 

My thanks to all of you who leant me support and advice about this, in particular Hope and Ticklebug. You two really helped me see this for what it was last night: a potentially huge mistake. I have played Russian roulette with my life twice over this breakup, I can not take a chance of slipping back there again.

 

I am crying as I sit here and type this. In my emotions that I feel from cancelling I think I might discover why I wanted to go. My biggest feeling right now?

 

I am a coward. I have let them all down. For some reason, I really felt like I needed to be there for them, and have failed. I know some people here don't buy this, but this is my strongest feeling right now. Failure, cowardice, self-loathing.

 

I am also sad that I could not spend time with Lisa, but this is a distant second. She was my best friend, and losing her has left a HUGE void in my life that I can not fill. Who is that person here who has that quote from the Simpson's "...the pile is the hole's only natural enemy?" Well, I need a big pile of something right now, because I have a big hole to fill.

 

Why did Lisa invite me? Did she really think that it would not be difficult for me (and maybe her too)? Did she miss me and really want to see me? Could she really be so inconsiderate of my feelings? Did she want to demonstrate one more time in person that we are through? Did she want to see if she had control over me still? I am half-expecting an angry phone call from her any time. Maybe not, but I am not going to answer today if my phone rings. I will also re-block her e-mail, and send my closure letter.

 

A chapter of my life is now closed. I wish it ended on a happier note, but there is nothing that I can do about that, it is in the past. I have a fresh page now to begin writing a new story, maybe one without pain and sorrow. As I lay in bed last night and pondered this decision, it felt like a ray of sunshine had penetrated the clouds shrouding my life. It felt good, and I slept well for the first time in weeks. I might even have a new person to help me write this story. I have a date tomorrow with someone new. I was looking forward to tomorrow evening for a week now, but as the cottage date loomed closer, it became all that I could think about. I need to focus on the road ahead of me, and not look back for a while now.

[ocean9]

I think that you did the right thing. It sounds like you really do need some time away from her.

[Hope75]

Ian,

 

So you didn't go!

 

I was quite surprised when I signed on this morning and saw that.

 

A coward is NOT what you are- quite the opposite- you are BRAVE for taking care of YOU first . I know you had this altruistic idea of being there for Lisa during the holidays, but remember what your therapist asked you...."how much will it cost you?" Well obviously you thought about that and realized the price was too high to pay.

 

I am proud of you.

 

I'm sure it was a hard decision to make, but you describe sun coming out of the clouds when you ultimately did decide and it sounds like you were a bit relieved. I was concerned for you knowing you were going there today, and although I am sad that you are sad about it, I am glad that you made this choice on your own, because I think you will feel better about that in the end, then if you had done it because everyone else told you to.

 

Now, for today, make a BIG icecream sundae, pull up the covers and watch action/sci fi movies with no romance all day!

 

And you have a date to look forward to tomorrow night! Maybe then it is for the best that you closed the book on what was, before exploring what could be.

 

Well Done,

 

Hope

 

PS- Mayve sooner rather then later you'll be posting in the Dating & Romance forum!

[Mentor]

Now, for today, make a BIG icecream sundae, pull up the covers and watch action/sci fi movies with no romance all day!

 

LOL!

 

Thanks Hope! Both for your advice, and for all of your support and encouragement.

 

And you have a date to look forward to tomorrow night! Maybe then it is for the best that you closed the book on what was, before exploring what could be.

 

Well Done,

 

Hope

 

PS- Mayve sooner rather then later you'll be posting in the Dating & Romance forum!

 

Not so soon, I think. I need to take things slow for a while. I will update you, but don't expect any fireworks! It will be good to get out and meet some new people though. This new girl has already opened my eyes to the fact that there are people out there who can spark an interest in me (and me in them too!). I want to make some new friends, and it's a bonus if they happen to be female, and single!

[Scottrn]

I am also sad that I could not spend time with Lisa, but this is a distant second. She was my best friend, and losing her has left a HUGE void in my life that I can not fill. Who is that person here who has that quote from the Simpson's "...the pile is the hole's only natural enemy?" Well, I need a big pile of something right now, because I have a big hole to fill.

 

I feel you. Good for you to not go, I know how difficult it is, especially with the family involved, but as you said it would be roulette for you...not worth the risk. I have a huge hole too, thinking of new years eve is turning out to be really difficult for me but this too shall pass. Good luck with the date, you nailed it to say someone can have an interest in you. one of the toughest things is to feel unwanted..

Hope it works, at least to distract you for awhile, until you forget what you needed to be distracted from!!

[ticklebug]

I am a coward. I have let them all down. For some reason, I really felt like I needed to be there for them, and have failed. I know some people here don't buy this, but this is my strongest feeling right now. Failure, cowardice, self-loathing.

 

Mentor, they are going about their Christmas as usual, their lives...as usual...what, exactly, do you think they need from you? I know we touched upon this in PM's...YOU are the one who is spending Christmas sad, YOU are the one who is not doing things he normally would, YOU are the one in therapy. YOUR soul is the one scarred, not Lisa's, not her parents...they aren't up in that cabin mourning the fact you aren't there.

 

If they are going about life and you are sitting there in the proverbial dumpster, the ony person you are failing, is yourself.

 

You need to stop this self-torture...you and Lisa breaking up was not YOUR fault. It was her choice.

 

I'm glad you didn't go. I feel as if you were invited purely out of pity and for Lisa to feel better about herself for what happened.

 

You don't have as big of a hole as you think to fill...it's already filled with a number of people here who really care about you...and your well being.

[Mentor]

Hi Ticklebug,

 

what, exactly, do you think they need from you?

 

You answered your own question:

 

I feel as if you were invited purely out of pity and for Lisa to feel better about herself for what happened.

 

I wanted to give this to her, to help her move on

 

You are right, there are many people, yourself included, who have touched me deeply on this forum. You all know who you are It means a lot...that is why I have been hanging out here so much lately!

 

Warmest regards!

[ticklebug]

mentor

 

So you have no problems with being made to look like the fool who is hanging on just to make Lisa feel better about herself?

 

Do you really think it's right to enable someone to justify hurting you so badly by simply inviting you up to a cabin? Is there really absolution in a cup of hot chocolate in your eyes?

 

You need healing more than she does...she's getting on with things with your help or not...she isn't posting to a board or talking to a therapist about your break up...

 

you are the important one here...you have to put yourself equal or more importnat than her...not below.

[Mentor]

you are the important one here...you have to put yourself equal or more importnat than her...not below.

 

Ticklebug,

 

Thanks in large part to our conversation last night, I came to the conscious realization of this. This is a specific habit of mine that my therapist and I are going to work on changing. I need to see the value of my own needs.

 

Lisa has a habit of keeping her exes around. I remember meeting one and seeing the jealousy and hurt in his eyes. I remember promising myself that I would not be that guy should we ever break up. I have more self-respect than that. Barely, I suppose, but in the end I did not go!

[ticklebug]

Glad to have helped.

 

If she wants you around as an ego booster, tell her it costs $150.00 an hour.

 

=)

[ocean9]

ticklebug,

 

The thing is, he didn't go...his actions spoke volumes. That's a huge step for him, at least I think so. A lot of us here are feeling really proud of him for that.

[ticklebug]

ticklebug,

 

The thing is, he didn't go...his actions spoke volumes. That's a huge step for him, at least I think so. A lot of us here are feeling really proud of him for that.

 

 

?????????????????

 

not sure why you posted this???

 

ocean, I sat in PM's with him for the better part of the evening last night to help him come to that decision. I don't think there is a person prouder of him than me at the moment...

[ocean9]

I was completely unaware of the extent of the PMs between the two of you.

 

I thought your messages (on here) seemed a little harsh, like really driving the point home...but of course, there is no way to read intention through this sort of communication, and I am not privy to the content of PMs No problem here, I just misinterpreted....my bad. It's all cool.

[From_Now_On]

I need to focus on the road ahead of me, and not look back for a while now.

 

It's not always so easy to just throw it all aside and lock it all away. But, if you can try and stick to that, it will make things easier in the end. Not going does not make you a coward. It was the right decision. Torturing yourself more is not going to help anything. It looks like you know what you need to do now, jut try and stick to all of it. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your date...just, have a good time.

 

Also, about not valuing your own needs...well, I understand what you are saying/feeling. I guess the only real advice I can offer there is just to remember/realize that when we care so little about our needs because we find them so much less important than others, we just make ourselves more hurt. And, in the end, when we finally find someone (whether it be out "soulmate" or just a good friend) they will end up being the ones who have to fill this void that we have dug in ourselves by never fulfilling our own needs. We'll selflessly offer all that we are to them, but it will be a double-sided deal because we will be handing them something broken. So in effect, being selfish (to some extent) is one of the more selfless things we can do. I know I worded that wrong, but I think you can understand the point I am trying to make? We think what we need and want doesn't matter and that we are strong enough to take on all the troubles of the world for everyone else...then too late we realize...no, admit, that we really can't be that strong. Nobody can. We have to take care of ourselves, because no one else will always be there or be able to do that. (And we'd never ask them to.) In a perfect world this mentality would be wonderful...if we could all just care about only each other's needs. But the truth of the matter is...many people only care for thier own needs. Which doesn't leave much room for someone to be completely selfless because for one, we can't take on the whole world as one person. And for two, people will feed off of that. Use you and abuse you. Wear and tear you down until you just can't take it anymore. But I do understand that it's hard to value your own needs...because it makes you feel so selfish. And it makes you feel like you are degrading the needs of others. The only thing you can really do (that I know of), is to remind yourself of all of the afore mentioned things. Anyway, I hope I was some help. Or at least made sense.

 

Take Care.

[ocean9]

From_Now_On...

 

This is totally off topic, but was IS that avatar? I love it!

[From_Now_On]

From_Now_On...

 

This is totally off topic, but was IS that avatar? I love it!

 

Sorry...I was making my reply based on the comments as well as the post as a whole. The beginning of my reply dealt more with the post. And the last (larger) bit dealt with Mentor's reply to a different comment on this thread reading:

 

This is a specific habit of mine that my therapist and I are going to work on changing. I need to see the value of my own needs.

 

As for the avator...it is a picture of Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas with a bit from a poem I wrote put on it. Thanks, I'm glad you like it.

[ocean9]

Nightmare Before Christmas

 

I haven't seen that movie in ages!

 

BTW, I meant that my question was totally off topic...I didn't mean what you said was.

[From_Now_On]

Oh I see... ~coughs~ Ahem.

 

But yes...it is a good movie. I *love* Sally.

 

And if you'd like to see the whole poem I have it posted on here somewhere actually...if so PM me and I'll find out what I titled the post so you can see it (Because I don't want to spam up Mentor's post). But I'm pretty sure it was just the picture you were looking at really, lol. Gotta love Nightmare B4 X-Mas...Especially Sally! ;D

 

Sorry about the confusion...I may not be blonde...but that doesn't mean I don't have my blonde moments.

[Mentor]

Awww, I really feel the love guys!

 

Sometimes Ticklebug's advice might seem harsh, but I truly believe that she is cutting to the heart of what is a harsh reality. The sooner that the person going through that can see it for what it is, the better. Her words helped me see clearly in my situation. Not what I wanted to see, but what I had to see. The Truth.

 

Had she padded and sugar-coated her advice, I would have gone, I am sure of it. God only knows what would have happened, but I know that she would have been here to help me put the pieces back together.

 

Yes, she has spent a lot of time PMing me on a few occasions as I went through this. I am extremely greateful!

 

 

 

I really felt it from everyone who was pulling for me Thanks a million!

 

Ian

[Scottrn]

From now on,

Excellent post about selfish to be selfless.....makes sense.

Ticlebug has a way of putting things out there, doesn't she? I've read several of her posts and it is always what is needed. If you are the one who can't see the forest for the trees, often someone else has to point it out.

Good on ya mentor, we goin' to be ok. 8)

[From_Now_On]

Thanks Scottrn, I'm glad I made enough sense to be understood there. And thanks to Mentor because I thought of it when I was trying to think of some advice for him on the matter. Which forced me to really think about it and in effect I think I helped myself! Which is always a plus. As for Ticklebug, I agree with you both...she's always full of great advice for so many people. She's what this forum's all about!

 

Take Care All.

 

=)

[Mentor]

From_Now_On,

 

I never acknowledged your post, but it is a very good one and I feel it deserves comment. I have just been thinking about your words for the better part of a day....

 

To paraphrase, I think you are basically saying that we can not love another before we first learn to love ourselves. To accept ourselves as beings deserving of all that life has to offer, including the love of another. When a relationship ends we are often left with feelings of failure, rejection, and lessened self-esteem. This is likely why I am so ready to put Lisa's needs ahead of my own right now. I was not like this in our relationship, we both were equals, but different, if that makes sense These negative emotions need to be dispelled before we are truly ready to offer our complete selves in another relationship. That is why we see so many posts on this forum about people taking time to find themselves after a relationship. We have to rediscover what it is that we have to offer, we have to discover what it is that we need to learn and take away from our past relationship so that we can become a better being for the next person who enters our life.

 

Yeah, I have a pretty good handle on what I need to do now. I can do this 8)

 

Thanks All!

[From_Now_On]

Mentor,

Thanks for taking the time to acknowledge my response; I'm so very glad to hear it got you thinking and helped. I think, (especially when it comes to that specific case), you need to hear someone else say that "self-love" and the like is important and you need to hear it justified. Because if you try to do it yourself you think, "Well, I'm just being selfish and trying to find any way to justify that as I can". It's a huge catch 22 you get caught up in, and I think one of the only real ways to get out of it, is for someone to let you know that it's not selfish to care about yourself. And that it's important. I'm glad you were at a place where you could hear all that.

 

Good luck to you...and you can do it.

 

-Best of wishes-