She lost patience in me.. (Dont judge me)

[dreamweaverdude]

Ok.... anyone who has followed my posts for a while knows the story.

 

Been in a LDR relationship outside my marriage for over two years. And this week after two years of INTENSE communications... phone/chat/etc and a few meetings she has decided to go back to a previous bf and marry him. Bottom line i think she grew inpatient on me. My impatient grew do to me believing she was lying about lots of things that never added up.

 

My question is this.... I am absolutely crushed. ANd find myself wanting her to reconsider. BUt i know that is not smart.

 

My real question is this........ how in the hell do you after two intense years of getting to know each other and everything just do NC? I mean i dont want to at all. neither does she.. but been advised it should be considered. So ok.. how do you just stop cold turkey communicatin with someone who has always been there for you the last two years.

 

She still wants to be best friends since we started that way...

 

Oh.. 1) don't judge me on what i did, and 2) how do you do NC when you really dont want to.. if you understand what i mean.

[cleverme123]

I am not judging you but you took vows to one person and you are in a relationship with another. Obviously you were having some kind of problem in your marriage which is why you went astray in the first place. If you took all the energy that you are putting into chasing down a girl who has clearly made up her mind and put it in your marriage what are the odds things could be great there also?

 

Having a relationship with two people at the same thing is never a good thing. If you had intentions of leaving your wife for this other girl then you would have. Plain and simple. I understand where she is coming from because I sat around and waited on a married man that fed me every line in the book why he couldn't leave. Oh, the kids, house, money, wife, feelings....it was a never ending thing. No one will wait for ever for someone else to make up their mind if they want to stay or go.

 

I suggest not only do you cut the relationship out with her, but you need to work on a way to tell your wife what you have done then find a marriage counselor. She deserves to know the truth and why you did it. As for you, I think it would help you a great deal.

 

Sorry if sounds harsh.

[dreamweaverdude]

God I'm losing it...... i think i'm literally cracking here.

 

Clever i won't argue and can't argue your comments. They were well thought out and not pointing fingers, but yes you are right there were issues that made me LOOK outside the marriage. You try 20+ years of a wife who doesn't like the physical and you would look to. I stayed in the marriage way too long to try make things 'right' and stay with my 'vows', and all i've ever got out of it was pain.

 

Ok everyone can laugh but at 45 this is the first time i've ever had to give up a love. I"ve never dealt with these feelings before. They are new to me.

 

a man isn't suppose to sit at his desk and cry...

[avman]

dreamweaver you might want to consider some counseling for yourself both to get you through the grieving process and also to help you find some direction to your life. I think its obvious that you shouldn't keep the status quo but do you really understand what it is that you want going forward?

 

Take this opportunity to examine what happened in your marriage, in the other relationship, and what changes you can make in your life to improve the situation. You are dealing with some strong emotions right now and you need to get yourself grounded so that you can think things through. The counselor can also help you figure out how to talk to your wife about things and maybe even improve the situation.

[dreamweaverdude]

Avman,

 

Thanks. Yes these are as strong emotions as i ever had to deal with. This compares to a 'death'. I'm not sure i ever know love could hurt this much.

I've tried talking to the wife about 'us' and she refuses. I have materialistically spoiled her in life and she's of the opinion as long as the $$ roll in she'll hang around. She's not said that, but actions speak. SHe has no motive in change. When i mention divorce it's like she denies we need to discuss it.

 

You know maybe one day this will all be better. I'm sure everyone will tell me that.

[avman]

Well this is why I suggest you get some individual counseling. There are some things that you need to decide on your own. And one of them is what to do about your marriage. Your wife is not the one to decide for you. You need to sort out your own feelings.

[dreamweaverdude]

Av,

 

you are right. Just had a dear friend tell me some things that made a lot of sense. For myself and everyone involved, if i want out of the marriage then i need to get the hell out and quit pplaying with everyones emotions and feelings.. and THEN move on with my life.

 

And then if something works out with someone then at least i'm truly available for someone

 

Thanks.... you words were not wasted. I promise

[avman]

Good luck my friend. There will be brighter days ahead.

[Mun]

Hey there,

My heart goes out to you because I know how you are feeling.

 

You have to take charge of your own life, not wait for someone else to do that for you...or fix it for you as this lady might have done had she stuck around. I think you know what I mean.

 

Counseling is a very good idea. I have been in therapy myself and many things changed for me after that.

 

Nobody can save you if you cannot save yourself, I say this as your friend

[dreamweaverdude]

Muneca,

 

You are so right. I have to deal with the marriage, either fix it or get the hell out. Then start my life over then, not now!

[cleverme123]

I agree with all, if you are not happy in your marriage you should have first stopped it then moved on. Maybe you and your wife don't get along and yes you have been married a long time, but there is a deeper under lying reason. If she is selfish and spoiled then stop spoiling her!!! Stop giving her what she wants and see how true she is to you.

 

Losing someone always hurts, I was with my ex husband 4 years before realizing that he was a mommas boy and nothing was going to change. I moved in with someone less than 4 months after getting served with divorce papers. When you are unhappy with your partner the grass always looks greener. And once I was here the reality of what I did set in. Now I am a spiral of emotions and feeling like I did the wrong thing.

 

My point being that even if everything looked perfect with this other girl, maybe it wasn't. It wouldn't have been so easy for her to go if she truly loved and cared about you. If you are hurting people will try to manipulate and use you. I am much younger than 45 but I have learned a lot in my time about relationships. Nothing is ever perfect, and when it is, usually something is being hidden.

 

Take it in stride and learn. If you decide you marriage isn't worth it, separate before getting involved again. It will give you time to heal, and you won't be hurting yourself or any one else.

[dreamweaverdude]

we sure did start right here...but this isnt where we are going to end

 

Clever, I'wondered the same thing myself. If a person had waited a year and we both has said we were in no hurry, why all of sudden is there a rush.. I tend to think its the holiday season.

 

But gang, I am making legitmate steps to resovling this better. I have reaffirmed with my lawyer my intentions of filing paperwork as soon as he is back from vacation, I have secured a place to stayed when I move out [q: other than her desposing of some of my stuff. any other real drawbacks of me boing the one moiving out?], and then from there I can start to live again.

 

ANd if this girl still wants me fine and dandy, if not some tend to think I might still have it in me to find someone else.. right Muneca? where's the coffee girl?

[cleverme123]

Holidays throw in bizarre twist to every thing!!!

[dreamweaverdude]

Clever, Menuca, RayKay and others who have been so supportive of me.... others too....

 

I think I have finally on the way to mentally hadnling my conflicts. What i was doing in this emotional afffair was taking it's toll on both of us and basically the woman i was emotionally involved with couldn't take it anymore and is withdraw because she knows I"m not in a position to committ and it hurt her too much knowing I couldn't commit. She never pushed nor pressurred me, but simply felt it was best to back away to ease the pain we were both in.

 

I have to admit there is a little burden lifted. I plan on taking care of things that need to be tended to. Mend a few bridges and focus on life as I should.

 

This person met some very basic emotionally needs I had in my life. Don't ever think a strong relationship has to be built on sex. It doesn't. This relationship was as strong as any i've ever felt in my life and I read a few days ago, that the emotional affairs where intercourse is not involved as the most difficult to get over. I'm beginning to believe that.

 

For all of those who PM'd me and gave me encouragement i say THANKS.

I pray now I do what is right and get my life together so that I can enjoy life, wherever it takes me.