Healing after 37 years together.

[toots]

Hi folks,

Just looking for some TLC and support or advice.My great husband,soulmate for so long,married 33 yrs, has left me for another woman,a member of his staff he just promoted.Living with her for 4 months now.

We were so close but sex probs for him lately.I also low due to death of mother and close friend, and harassment at work.

 

Well I know its over,but it hurts so much.I am doing all the good things.Exercise,swimming ,gym, joined walking club,out with female friends,inviting friends for meals.Looking after myself.I look good lost 20 lbs,new hair style,etc,look years younger according to friends.I am 58,not likely to meet anyone new now.

 

I put a face on. but miss him like I've been disembowelled,heart torn out, mood up and down.

Eating and sleeping better,so progress there.

 

I can't get away from the hope to get him back.Got book to help heal etc but still love him so much I am preoccupied with him.Work does help but at times so hard.

 

I had tried NC but still negotiating settlement so emails, and I gave way yesterday and phoned as he was losing touch with sons etc.At least that was my excuse.

 

He was so hostile in his voice, as he has been since break-up.Still he said I could phone to discuss.

 

I have now changed my mind as I cannot cope with his anger at me because he feels so guilty.His sis says she thinks he feels I impinge on his new life ,due to his guilt spoiling things,and that is why he is mad.I hardly contact at all but can be a bit critical,so I suppose that is why.He has been quite thoughtless and cruel at times and I feel I need to reply.

However this just makes for anger all round and pushes him away even more.

I will not get in touch,despite asking I think, and try NC till he is in touch over money,keep it minimal.

 

Any comments please, I will be so grateful as I feel my mood swing from one extreme to the other and don't trust my own judgement now.I change my mind so much.

Thank you,

 

toots

[popeye]

Dear Toots,

 

The way to begin to find healing to your broken heart is by letting go. You loved him enough to let him go have his life. It is unjustified considering that you've loved him all along, but he has deceived you behind your back.

 

Healing takes place in a few steps, and ultimately true healing comes when 1) you can hear him apologize (say I'm sorry, which is likely he won't, because he's on cloud nine), and he does come around, allow a "good friend" pure plutonic loving friendship to bloom between you two.

 

To begin healing, and this is one of the most difficult part of it all (well, they all are), is to accept your responsiblity. The fault may not be entirely his, and there were proably tell-tale signs of incompatibility from the start which you might have tried to deny along the way, etc. If you can really think back and have the courage to face it, you are on the road to true recovery. None of these bull-crap thing on "keeping yourself busy with activities, etc." that only masks the problem. it doesn't bring true healing.

 

Secondly, read the book, "The Road Less Traveled", by Scott M. Peck. It is a very "painful" book to read and could take months to get through, but that's okay. You need time to grieve and mourn for yourself, your past and your ex-relationship. Take however long you need, but don't take forever. Don't forget to get back on your toes, because there is so much more to life.

 

One day, let me know how you are and if that worked for you, because that worked for me. Inner healing comes from taking a good look at yourself and say, "ah-ha, that needs to go, and that needs to change". If you can accomplish that, you're on the road to true happiness...

 

Take care.

 

Popeye (the Sailor goes sailing....)

[lisaria]

Hello toots,

I am so sorry for the hurt that you are feeling right now. There will be things that you will do that will help you to get through this, like your healthier lifestyle, losing the weight, going to the gym, all of those positive things that you are doing now. Keep doing them. Do not lose faith in yourself. When the person you loved for so many years leaves and he does it in such a freaking hurtful way that you immediately start questioning yourself. Maybe I'm not smart, young, pretty, interesting enough. Take your pick...any and all apply. But it's not true. You know deep down that you are smart, pretty, interesting, and by God! just the right damned age for any damned thing the old SOB wants to throw at you. He just isn't intelligent, handsome, interesting or in good enough shape FOR YOU!

 

Get mad!!!! Get furious!!!! Scream in your pillow. Punch it until your hand hurts. Read everything you can find on any subject you ever wanted to know about. What is it you always wanted to do that you've not done yet? GO DO IT!!! Start a journal. Walk. Meditate. Run. Bike. Swim. Dance naked in your living room. Cut on loud women rock!!! Play some 4 Non-Blondes, Tina Turner, I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor (?), all the strong women songs you can think of. Play them over and over. Watch what you are telling yourself. DO NOT USE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS about yourself and your life. If you find yourself doing that, immediately change your thought. Laugh even if you are crying. And do what makes you feel good. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH HE HAS HURT YOU. Why give him that big piece of your heart again? He doesn't deserve it. He was too damned stupid to know what he had.

 

Act like you are so damned happy now that he's given you the huge gift of being YOURSELF. You don't have to do anything you don't want to ever again. You don't have to cook dinner if you don't feel like it. You don't have to ask him what his plans are for tonight. You don't have to go to the movie he wants to see, you can go see what you want to. You can go to the restaurants you like. You don't have to worry about washing his nasty underwear or socks. You don't have to stop and ask his permission for any damned thing you want to do or buy. YOU ARE FREE. YOU ARE FREE. You are a beautiful, strong, independent woman. Tell yourself that until you believe it.

 

And remember that no matter what you will be OK. No matter what happens today or tomorrow you will handle it. You will handle it and come out on the other side a stronger woman. You now know that you will be able to get through any damned thing he wants to throw at you. On second thought, you don't give a sh@t what he throws at you anymore. He has NO MORE POWER over you. You are your own woman. You are YOU and that is pretty damned good.

 

Please take care and do not give him anymore of your power. Take it all back. It's yours. Time will show you how much you have grown and learned. I wish you peace.

Lisa

[ebola316]

Don't say because you're 58 you won't find anyone new. Love can happen at any age.

 

I know a woman in her 50's who's husband left a 25 year marriage for a younger woman. This lady went out and met someone who treated her like a queen. Much better than her husband ever did.

 

Unfortunately, her new beau passed away, but he left her a business and a little bit of money. She mourned for awhile, but then met someone else, who also treats her like a queen.

 

When she was married, she had to put up with his gambling, cheating etcl

She now has a home in New Jersey, a home in Florida, and a great life.

 

She could have given up because she was in her 50's but she didn't.

And even I am jealous of her life now.

[trishcollins]

Wow! 37 years. Hard to imagine. I haven't had a relationship last 37 months and I am 44!

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I guess there is not much more I can add to what has been said so far. In most cases, time is the only healer, as long as you are doing things to help yourself and take care of yourself. Do it for you, not for him. That's what N/C is for. If you need to discuss something, either do it through a friend or your lawyer, otherwise, try and set up a scheduled meeting, write down what you want to discuss and keep it to that.

 

It will get easier in time, but 37 years is a long time to be with someone, so I don't think anyone expects you to be over him in the short term.

 

Don't worry about age. I did that when I was in my 30's. Now I find there are tons of available men out there. You have your pick because you aren't looking for the "father of your children" and most are ready to retire and have some money and can enjoy life while they still have their health.

 

Travel, read, join a gourmet club, etc. There are lots of things to do for yourself that will help you through this tough time.

 

Just remember, this is a great place to vent and ask for advice. There are people on here from age 14 to 60, with alls kinds of experience to back up their advice.

 

Take it from me, even if you were together with someone for 37 years, there is another one out there somewhere who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[toots]

i really appreciate your helpful and supportive posts.I know you are right,I will heal in time.I am feeling it easier some days.

everything reminds me of him,so I just have to accept that and get on with it,

 

Yes I have done the skipping through the house naked,much better with the slim me!

 

I am going out most nights or doing something, as when I just sit I get to obsessing about things.

I will try to keep up the N/C as I have healed better when I have little contact.Any contact just puts salt in the wounds,I keep looking for the man I knew and finding a hostile deceitful stranger.

 

He must be in there,being nice to her and others,but not for me.

 

He has been unwell,cold and throat infection I believe while I am fit and well.

 

So some justice.

 

Again thank you all!.

 

Cheers Toots

[trishcollins]

I keep looking for the man I knew and finding a hostile deceitful stranger.

 

I always find that amazing. Somehow this person who you were so close and intimate with, morphs into this complete stranger. My "ex" became like a borg. After the inital breakup, he showed little or no emotion. Just keep doing the "father-knows-best" routine, until it made me angry. Kept saying "there is nothing he can do" and "it's for the best", and "it's not going to work", etc., although he insisted he still loved me, he just couldn't make everyone happy (kids and me), so I was dumped from the equation.

 

My ex didn't leave me for another woman, he left me to sort out his life. I figured he would eventually come around, but it's been 5.5 months and nothing. I can't believe it, but there are times when I find myself hating him for being so blasé about the whole thing. I have to keep in mind that he's not functioning emotionally right now. I have figured out he deals with issues by simply pretending they don't happen (like the death of his wife shortly before meeting me). So, if I look at it that way, it's easier for me to accept it, then if he hadn't exhibited those signs before.

 

N/C is the only way not to get through it with any sanity At least I feel I have some control over the situation that way.

[toots]

Thank you for your post,

Yes,he has no sensitivity at all to me,this man who used to be so caring and tender.

Well I have had a great 9 mile walk,in glorious sun for December! Feel fit and better for it!

 

My horoscope says I will have a good breakthrough with money,and romance from an unusual direction,so who knows! ( Who am I trying to kid!)

 

I do feel a bit guilty though.One of the healing techniques is to visualise the inner pain ,make it in your mind into a solid object,wrap,it in gift wrap,tie with abow and mentally send it back to him!

 

In the two weeks I have been practicing this ,which I do find effective,all sorts of nasty feelings have been headed for him.Then I learn for these two weeks he has had a throat infection and this week a bad cold....Hmmmmmm?

 

The power of the mind? Or coincidence?

 

Has anyone found sending a letter any good?

I write them but don't send them.I was thinking of a farewell to our marriage letter.It may just infuriate him,every thing I do now does.It would have all the good things of our lives together,which he wants to forget and deny.

 

Toots

[trishcollins]

Has anyone found sending a letter any good?

 

Well, yes I did just that -- but for a different reason. Read my thread "Letter to my ex" and you will see what I wrote.

 

I sent it last Monday and have had no response. Thus the comment about being a complete emotional borg. Anyway, my letter was done not for me, but for him. I have to keep that in mind. I did not expect him to come running back to me, and in a way, him not responding did give me the closure that I was looking for, although that was not the intent of the letter. It was to let him know that he is a great guy and our relationship was not a failure, even if it ended. I took the high road, and I am glad I did.

 

Before actually sending a letter, I would be careful. It all depends on the message you want to send and what you expect from it as a result. Think about it carefully before you do.

 

As for the visualization, I agree. I know that engery can be transferred and I am the biggest skeptic in the world -- when to a session and saw it done -- was quite amazed. I know that if you focus hard enough, you can have some control over things, but not complete control. The other person has the same power if they choose to use it. That includes ignorning the healing energy of others.

 

I also believe in dreams. I think they reveal what your subconscious really knows about a situtation -- afterall, they say communication is 95% non-verbal. That's why I have had such a hard time letting go. All my previous breakups resulted in dreams that reflected it was truly over. This breakup has only brought about dreams of reconcilation and being together. I think it's because my conscious mind has been questioning whether or not he really loved me, and I have been so confused. I have begun to think that the situation was merely his excuse to breakup with me, and not the real reason. However, I believe that my subconscious mind knows he did love me for a fact, he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with everything right now.

 

In the meantime, I need to pull up my socks and get on with life, as though he will never come back. It's the only way I can cope.

 

We will get through this -- all of us.

[toots]

Hi Trish,

 

Just a quick reply as I am going out to son's birthday meal.

I think your letter is amazing,and it is very sad he could not cope with it in his fog of repressed emotion.

 

I see what you mean,I will not send anything now as I know he will just react with anger no matter what I send.

 

I will write to you again to discuss dreams as I also have had several very vivid dreams.

 

Till later,best wishes

Toots

[trishcollins]

I will write to you again to discuss dreams as I also have had several very vivid dreams.

 

I started a dream survey post. Check out some of the dreams I have had and some of the others have posted as well. Post yours if you like. I find them interesting.

 

link removed

 

Enjoy your son's birthday dinner

[toots]

Hi Trish,

 

Well quite a thread I read them all.It is interesting how the subconscious tries to cope and express itself.

 

My dreams were mainly I would say ,wish fulfillment dreams accepting reality.

The first, near the start was of the back door opening and my Husb.walking in,coming up to me and saying..".its all a mistake I do love you ..I want to come back." and taking me in his arms and hugging me.At this point I woke up..and was very sad!

 

The second was of both of us in bed together..starting to make love,but I felt something was wrong and then I woke up.

 

The third was bizarre.My H. was sitting on the floor stripped to the waist.He held out his arms and I went to him and put my face in his shoulder.Then it pulled back to me looking at a face on his shoulder which was grimaceing as he tried to hold me,and again I knew something was wrong and pulled away,saying "this is not right you are not here with me."

 

Weird!The oddest thing though was last weekend,and not a dream.

 

I was upset as My husb had seemingly ignored our youngest son's 25 th birthday.I had emailed him that evening reminding him.I also had not got the maintenance paid into my account,it was 3 days late.

The next day I was despairing as he also had not contacted older son for a month.I was looking out the window in deep sadness at our happy family being reduced to this,when a voice in my head said.."have faith".

 

That evening late my husb emailed to say he had gone unannounced to son and given him birthday cheque,and that the money was on its way to my account.

I felt great! I emailed him later about contacting oldest son and he did this too though not without protest.

I felt justified as both sons had been so down over the split and loss of contact.

 

That was when I phoned to try to reestablish contact....big mistake.

 

We live and learn.He is too defensive and hostile.

 

Any comments or reinterpretation welcomed!

 

Thank you,

Toots