Please help me!!!

[ykcir]

I cheated on my husband about 1 1/2 years ago. It was only once and I confessed to my husband about a month later. Now I am pregnant with our first child and all the progress we made seems to have disappeared since I've been pregnant. Even though I do everything in my power to show my husband that I am truly sorry for what I did it seems like it is not enough. I thought our marriage was on the mend and that is why we decided to get pregnant. Sometimes I am so depressed I cry myself to sleep at night. I feel alone and lost. I know this should be one of the happiest times of my life but I can't help feeling miserable. I realize that I am responsible for the way my husband feels but he made a conscious decision to be with me after I told him the truth. I feel like my baby and I deserve so much more. Yet, I really want our marriage to work. He is truly a beautiful man but he is so hurt. How do we get through this???

[GoDevil]

You guys need counseling I would imagine. What you have done has destroyed all his trust and faith in you. He will be very closed off emotionally until this is dealt with and he believes that he can trust you again. When someone is cheated on, every reactive thought that goes through their head involves self-protection, to never let someone do something like that to you again. I am still dealing with trust issues and insecurity because of someone who cheated on me several years ago. I think i could definitely use some counseling as well. The hardest thing to deal with, from a victim's perspective, is the hate and resentment you feel. You may realize that it's bad and only makes things worse, but it's such a natural feeling that it takes a lot of work to control.

The most important thing you do in the meantime is assure him that he didn't have anything to do with your cheating, tell him you trust him by all means (don't start acting distrustful towards him although its what happens when you cheat), and tell him that you'll do anything to earn back his trust. Good luck!

[ykcir]

You're right, we do need counseling. Unfortunately, we are in a very remote area and there is no one available for us to use. That is what makes this even harder. We both would like to seek counseling but it's impossible. I will try to do what you suggested and reassure him that my cheating had nothing to do with him. I guess it is his self-protection instinct which is making him so cold towards me. occasionally, he will thaw and I see the man I married. It is these brief glimpses that keep me going. Thanks again for your advice, I needed it.

[GoDevil]

One thing i forgot is to show him how willing you are to do whatever it takes to get through it. Tell him that if he wants to be mad and resent you that it's fine as long as it makes him feel better (although it really won't). He will likely test you by doing or saying things to see if you will let him make you angry. If you get angry then he might explode. Be very tolerant and keep reassurring him how much you love him.

[ykcir]

He certainly does test me to see where I stand. He'll often say and do things to upset me and it takes all my patience to deal with it. I've told him I want to see how long he can keep this up because I know eventually he'll see that I mean what I say. He really is worth the struggle though. I'll keep on fighting.