Getting "out" of that comfort zone...

[Caldus]

Hey guys,

 

As some of you might know, I am one of the many people here who has been working on their self-esteem and confidence for a while. I can say that I have conquered a lot of issues concerning that (such as thinking negatively of myself rarely, becoming less shy around people, generally not caring what people think of me, etc.). I've gotten so much better at public speaking because of it. I gave two presentations last week for school and I did excellent at both of them. I felt no pressure before my name was called. In fact I volunteered to go first. I went up there and just talked my head off about the subject and had no worries like I used to. So obviously I'm making some progress with this some far.

 

I'm still having trouble in the "meeting new people" department however. I just can't get myself to go to a random group of people during dinner time and introduce them all to me. In the past I've only done this maybe two times this semester and both times actually went well surprisingly (well, the other times I had the courage to introduce myself to a woman). One of those girls I am friends with now but we don't talk all that often because she's busy. And I can completely understand that. It's cool because we get to eat together sometimes.

 

I don't know what it is. I can easily meet anyone other than people around my age. Maybe I still have some insecurities inside about it. But if that's the case then how could I easily meet anyone else in life? I know some people try to tell me to "try and get out of your comfort zone a little" but it's very difficult for me. What happens is that whenever I see a group of people that seem like a possible candidate, I end up making up excuses to myself like "they are busy making conversation" or something like that. I don't think that people would hate me at all or anything. In fact that one girl I met a long time ago thought I was really sweet and didn't mind giving out her screen name to me at all. In fact I haven't had any bad encounters while actually meeting people.

 

But I still convince myself every time that they are not the right people to meet or that they are too busy with their conversation (which I could definitely understand) for me to just jump in like that. I guess it's just that I'm a little too curteous and it causes me to not take action when it comes to stuff like this. LOL. I mean I've met a couple of people here but nothing close to a social life yet. All of my roommates are antisocial so I'm pretty much on my own there. It is not their fault that I don't have a social life anyhow. It's only my fault. I'm only frustrating myself at times by not meeting people like this. I really don't know how to describe it but it's just hard to meet other 20 (around 20) year old people like me. I know I will break out of this shell completely soon. I just have to gain enough courage to just forget about whether the encounter with new people will go bad or if I end up meeting the wrong people, etc.

 

Thanks for any advice or comments! And please be honest! I would rather hear someone tell me that I still need to work on more self-esteem issues if they honestly feel that way with me. I mean I feel confident myself (maybe not super confident or anything but definitely more confidence than I've ever had in my life). Should I just really make an effort to "break out of the shell" so to speak?

[hoppy27]

im pretty much in a very similar situation as you. confidence is something that is very hard to gain. when you have it it is so very easy to loose.

through all my school years i was a very popular guy. varsity soccer captain, had tons of friends, was the class clown, i was voted best looking in class, etc.....etc. in my 11th year of school i left. i was troubled kid..........doing things kids werent. parents went through a divorce, etc...etc. anyway,,,,,,,,after that it all changed. i wasnt surrounded buy those people anymore. i felt i was soon forgotten. i at that point had to also be a "man" per say. work full time, pay real bills, etc.

i stopped doing all the thngs that kids my age were doing...........i had to grow up. i have alot of friends...........on the other hand alot of friends that i dont hang out with alot. we just dont have that much in commen.

i dont drink.........they feel the need to go to bars on any night possable.

i suppose im missing out on the "meeting people" part. but on the other hand i know who i am and sitting in a bar getting wasited is not me. i like the comfort of my home, and certain friends houses. will i ever meet the girl of my dreams?????? who knows..........i take it one day at a time.

ive got a heart bigger then texas and i dont think i need to go out looking for someone...................the girl of my dreams will see that someday.

if she doesnt then i just keep on truckin, theres enough to go round.

[7CardStud]

I think a this little story will help ya, its one of the best things I have heard...

 

So i was at this DECA Info Retreat or something like that but anywyas

 

This speaker starts talking about going out of ur comfort range, trying new things...

 

and he got to a story that goes something like

 

My friend and I, were at a mall, and we were eyeing all these fine ladies, and I tell my buddy "dave" that he should ask one of them out to eat lunch with him, no dave is a very successful person, made a bunch of money on the stock market, so is well off, but... Dave was afraid, now I told my friend dave, man........ You played the stock market, not much is scarier then that, but hey, I have a question for you...

 

What would you be doing if you didn't ask this girl out?

Dave replies, well, I would be talking to u I guess...

Ok, well what would you be doing if you asked that girl out, and she said no?

Dave replies, well.... talking to you I guess...

So whats the difference than Dave? You're going to be talking to me if she says no, or if u never even ask....

 

Dave then gets the whole point, and for the next 30 minutes walks up to almost every single woman and ask's them to have lunch... By the end of the day, Dave was having lunch with a hottie

 

Hope that does something for ya

[Caldus]

You're right Svenman, I have nothing to lose. I continue to ignore that statement for some reason when I'm out there finding a good group of people to meet. I guess it's just that I've never had a social life in the past and just feel uneasy about the whole thing. And I mean it has always gone well for me when I meet new people. Maybe not superb but it wasn't bad. But I still convince myself not to take action and go up to a group of people. I think it just has to do with the fact that they are the same age as me and tend to be the only age group that can make me feel uncomfortable if they wanted to.

[Scout]

Caldus, congratulations on your presentations! That is really an accomplisment. Do you know how hard it is for most people to speak in public? Give yourself a pat on the back, a big one!

 

As for the comfort zone thing, yeah, it's hard to do, but just make a conscious effort to make conversation with at least three people a day, even if it's just a few seconds chat with the waiter/waitress who served you, the clerk who gave you your change, etc. Believe it or not, it will eventually be second nature for you to automatically be receptive to talking to people, making eye contact, smiling, and sparking conversation with them.

 

Practice makes perfect!

[Gfunk]

Hey man, that's really nice that you have been progressing but I am curious what helped you conquer your past fears like negative thinking, becoming shy around people, and becoming a generally more social and active individual. Sometimes when I'm in public or around new people, my mind wanders and sometimes i can't speak coherently, my mind even blanks out sometimes. This happens with my friends too; I want to be a better conversationalist, talking about anything and everything. If you could help me since you have come so far I would appreciate it.