A writing on the wall

[The Abyss]

Hello there, whoever you are.

 

A lot of people probably have this problem, so I am not saying I am special or that I should have a special treatment but, I am one messed up soul that has come here to talk of what is bothering it.

 

There are many problems in being me and living my life, I am here to discuss one of them at the moment- and I don't know how to describe it in a few words, So here goes:

 

 

 

My life was a void for about fifteen years, as put further in a less general manner,

Emotionally it still is a void- after three years of living like that ...

but there has been a little addition to my life since that time

(You haven't heard the last of me yet )

 

As most children interact with their surroundings (friends and family) I decided to play pretend ... I guess I did not want to be seen as a freak or I just thought, everyone is doing it, so will I ... Can't say I have ever loved or felt for anyone ... my mother, father, sibelings or anyone else, an inborn primal instinct most human beingd posess- caring for your own or caring at all, has been denied of me ... I know they love me, they try to make me feel loved and do whatever they can to make life seem easier and more beautiful to me, even if at times they do the exact opposite-I understand that they mean well.

however loving and caring they are ... it doesn't move me at all

 

I have more than enough friends to last me a life time, but I consider none as friends, I just can not interact ... no loyalty, no love, no code, no respect ... I know many good people that I am in constant contact with that love me and care for me ...

Why have I never felt a single one of the many warm feelings everyone is speaking of?

Why can't I love them back? why am I numb?

WHY?

 

So basically for the past eighteen and a half years I have been living in denial, fooling myself and others that I feel, I care, I live ... but It has been a month since I have been "awake" ... A month has passed away since I have acknowledged things as they are, and the answer - it is still out there ... help me find it.

PLEASE.

 

I have a small request to make ... do not say any optimistic words like "it will change, it will be better" etc,

it only makes it worse ... really worse ... so just share your point of view or advice with me ...

 

Thank you for baring with me

The Abyss.

[dreamweaver]

Hello Abyss.

 

I will not try to judge you because you talked about things that I personally felt many times. It has happened to me to feel that everyone around me is trying to please me, but it's just that I never feel happy about anything. I don't feel any need to stay around people and prefer to sit alone in my room. People think I'm some kind of pathetic person who doesn't have any friends. But it's not true. I have many friends, not like others, but still many, and a normal family. It's just that often they acuse me of being sad and alone. I can't help it. It's not my fault. So I decided to pretend that I feel good so that others don't blame me for their unhappiness. At least I don't blame anyone for mine. That's how this world is made. Nobody loves you when you're down and out. I'll keep on pretending that I'm someone else.

I don't know what advice I should give to you, because I would use it for myself too. I'm just trying to not care about my situation and be ok with who I am. Others aren't. I'm sorry.

[Hodgie]

Hello

 

Just took an interest in your post read through it and it seems as if you have everything you want Love, Friends.

 

But whats missing on your part is feeling.

 

I think the problem is you think to much all you seem to have done is keeping thinkin about why you have a problem and what you have is a problem and its taken over you life.

 

I think you need to just enjoy things a bit more and stop thinking to much

 

You have got feelings they just dont show and thats ok alot of people are the same just because you dont think it doesnt mean you dont love your parents.

 

Things wont get better unless you make them better your life is in your hands because the only one that can help you with this is you.

[The Abyss]

dreamweaver, your empathy and understanding are better than any advice, the mere thought of knowing I am not alone is easing.

What you described in your post, is an exact copy of my lifestyle, word to word, I just haven't dealt with that part in my post, as promised I will in future posts ... I have been in the state you are in right now, I am sorry if I am going to insult you or any other person that feels the same, but that is denial.

 

The thing is, now that I am on antidepressants ( will discuss it further in another post ), it is slowly throwing me back into denial, in its own way, so I guess my advice to you is, stay there, in that comfortable denial, for your own sake- as nothing than misery awaits beyond!

 

That way you would not have to consume Chemicals that made you feel what you felt before facing it ... don't buy the product of people that tell you that medication is harmless, or helping ... it is doing more harm than good at the end of it all.

 

Hodgie, I do not want love and friends, that is the point, I want nothing ... I do not feel a thing as well ... I have nothing but an empty void inside me and SSRI pills to boot ...

 

The problem is not rooted in thinking, as I have been doing it for a month out of eighteen and a half years ... I tried to enjoy life, I even did nothing about it and went on with life to see if the joy will come alone ... did me no good.

 

As for love to my parents, I truly doubt that, want some examples to how much of a numb person I am?

 

When my mother felt bad as if she was going to pass away and asked me to stay with her until the ambulance arrived, I said you will be alright and went out with my mates ... I can feel the love in the air here ... want more ? when I was younger my mother told me she is going to fall and pass out, asking me to help her- do you know what my reply was? "where to?" ... And the list goes on ...

 

If there is a thing I dislike in people it is when they leave tips like you did in the end, halved, "make your life better", if you have any ideas, I am listening, you are more than welcome to write them down ...

And besides, don't you think I would do something about it if I knew how heh? I came here for help because I know I need help, because my clock is ticking and the pendulum is swinging life away, because I am on the edge of a cliff and I am about to fall.

 

The Abyss

[dreamweaver]

The thing is I'm not denying my situation. As I said before, I am trying to pretend so that others can't see it. But don't worry, I see it and, with myself, I am not pretending it's not there. It's just that in the last time, I noticed that people around get really sad and don't accept my situation. They actually blame me for their bad state of mind. They tell me they are hurting because of me. I don't want to make people hurt and I don't want to be blamed for their unhappiness. That's why I decided to pretend. In what my state of mind is concerned, I don't feel it is changing. And I'm facing it every day. Fortunately, I still have someone with who I can be onest, someone who doesn't judge me for who I am. I hope she will not leave me like the rest did. I'm sorry for beeing who I am. But I know I can't change.

[dirtbubble]

I have been depressed on and off for years and once a shrink suggested I start on antidepressants. I am glad I turned her down. While I suffer through the fits, I wouldn't trade them for the positive emotions of my unmedicated life.

 

I have seen young folks such as yourself kind of zombied out by these medications. I'm not the only one who has noticed this. Antidepressants may normalize one side of your inner life, but I suspect they "numb" you to other strong, positive feelings. How long have you been on such medications, and is you regimen closely monitored by a doctor? Are you certain you need them?

 

I'm not saying give up the meds now. You ought to factor it in, though, to your complaint, and weigh the evidence.

 

Otherwise, I have to say you are quite young. If you don't know yet what will spark your passion, now is a perfect time to actively seek it. Get out in the world, try new things, travel, meet new people, investigate life. Make it your personal quest to find what is missing.

[dreamweaver]

I agree with dirtbubble. I wouldn't take any meds. And perhaps they don't even help you. I know someone who has tried taking them but didn't notice any change. Maybe if thay help you they are good. But I wouldn't take them.

[The Abyss]

dreamweaver, now I understand your nickname it is very common to people to get hurt and blame you! for their unhappyness ... so I guess I won't blame you ... sorry if it seemed like I was judging you ... it wasn't my intention.

 

As for your situation, I don't think you should be sorry for who you are, you strike me as an open minded person, so think of this "Everything has a reason", you will eventually find out why everything has turned out the way it did, why you are feeling like that etc ... and it would be worth a thousand Nirvana's

 

I know it seems like an occuard offer, but if you need an extra screen to write to, my monitor welcoms you to do so, PM me if you feel like it ... if not - it is o.k. ... just an offer valid for whenever.

 

*

 

As for the meds, I have been on them for a couple of weeks ... doctor said it would take time, understandable ... I know that there are many various hideous side effects these drugs posess, but I am not on Prozac, nor Lithium, I am on Favoxile, a less "professional" drug ... with some side-effects ... well it is most likely that if I do not consume this drug I will end my life, as my second problem, coming and going depression sometimes pushes me to suicidal acts and thoughts, like it did today.

 

To be honest, I do not know what is better, being on medications or without them ... so there is only the third way-if this situation is not resolved ... I am sick of being depressed without a reason and I do not wish to be a zombie (if I can be more of a zombie than I already am)

I do not have positive emotions, so I basically have nothing to lose ...

 

My regimen is 100mg of Favoxil at evening b4 bedtime, or at evening ... I need them as far as the Medicine goes, if I need them as far as reality goes, I do not know, do they do more good or bad things to me?

 

Well I would travel the world, but I am in highschool, I would leave long ago, but I do not have money, and as soon as I finish school, the army is taking me in for 3 mandatory years of service, so ... maby it will end in the armory shack or in an enemy village.

 

Judging by your post, dirtbubble, it seems to me that you are a poet, are you not?

 

Thank you for replying and sorry for the delay again

Abyss

[wendella]

The only way out is to face your demons. I lived for 29 years with the horrors of my past, the only way out is to face them. There is a reason it is called "going through something" and not "going around something" you mentioned that you has something in your past. Face it, you will feel it wholly and may consume you for quite some time but it is the only way.

 

I used every medication legal and illegal to numb myself and it got to a point where I didnt need the medication to numb (which is what you are talking about) and I could just numb myself by disconnecting with reality. Like spacing out for days. It's called a disassociation disorder. It's like when you break your leg, the pain is so great your body produces natural pain reliever. Well when your emotional pain is so great your body naturally disassociates and that is why you are numb.

 

You, like I, have a demon. Something in your past that haunts you, face it with a professional and hopefully it helps. Otherwise ignore it and expect to be numb. I did it for a long time. I still am depressed and numb somedays but there are times when I feel little slivers of joy. And not being on meds is right on, don't do it or you wont feel any joy...... ever.

[tea]

Well, I've been on a few anti-depressants before but they didn't do much for me.

 

I think I might have the same problem you have, not really feeling anything at all except a few depressions and a few crying spells (and most of the time I have no idea why I'm crying.) =/ I'm not sure my family cares about me that much though. >_> maybe I'm just a financial obligation.. -_-;;;

 

Well, I used to wonder how I can be more normal and how I can have more feelings, actually feel sad, and when I'm hurt I wont just toss the whole thing aside and go on as normal... ^^: I didn't even cry at my grandmother's funeral and she raised me... I just didn't feel all that sad.

 

After a while I kind of got used to it though. I don't think it really matters if I have all those emotions everyone else have. Life still goes on, and I find that people have more problems with those who have too much emotions than they have trouble with me not feeling a whole lot. Once in a while they'll say, Wow you're cold blooded! or Wow, you didn't feel sad? but... that's pretty much it.

 

Well... hmm... I kind of used my not feeling extrodinarily sad or shocked during accidents to my advantage when people need help though. When my mom fainted with a heart attack... my dad who was never on really good terms with her cried, my brother freaked out, and my sister was silent because she didn't feel like helping (she's kind of messed up like me), and I just picked up the phone and called ambulance. I figured if I didn't freak out that's the least I can do for her.

 

Last year when my brother and I were pushed off the freeway at 87 miles an hour ... my brother passed out and lost his memory from too much shock, and I just kind of picked up and tried making sure he's okay. It'll suck if he dies, kind of, but he didn't die and I'm his sister so it's probably my responsibility to make sure he's okay.

 

... ^_^ I did find someone who's an exception though. =) I know if my family dies today I won't care much, I know if my roommate gets in a car accident tomorrow I won't freak out or be sad... but if anything happens to my boyfriend I'll make people pay. =X

[dirtbubble]

A poet? Nice of you to ask. I haven't written a good one in a long, long time.

[dreamweaver]

Ok. What can I say? I am very greatful for your offer Abyss and I'll consider it when I'll have the time to write more. And if you want a helping hand, pm me any time. These days I've been feeling very bad and many bad things have happened. I don't know when all this is going to solve. I try facing my problems, but they all get more and more. Maybe all this has a reason for happening and someday I will get a share of good things in my life. But in fact I don't believe that and I'm very tired, I don't wanna fight anymore. Hope it will get better for all of us.

[The Abyss]

Wendella, I have no demons to face, that is the problem, I am empty as a pot of honey winnie the pooh just visited ...

 

Tea, I am sorry to hear that but if I may ask a question, if you do not care for anything, what's the deal with your boyfriend? sorry if it too personal, u do not have to reply, didnt mean to set you off or something like that.

 

As far as crying goes I hardly cry, when I do it is when i am lying down and a few tears drop, mostly from one eye only hehe

 

I am sure that no matter how nasty the family members seem, they love you ... it is a natural bond, unless the "numbness part" goes in the family.

 

I feel for you on that funeral thing, it doesn't itch me one bit, also as for the tossing it aside going on coz I gotta, been there done that.

 

I do not know how ppl will react if I will tell them I dont care much for them, gosh my mother was heart broken when I told her, just like that ... so I am keeping it in.

 

When bad things happen to ppl I am supposed to care of I donot freak out too lol, I just go on or do what is logically correct, really I do not cry or something just do what others would ... emotionless and I do not think it is ok that I have no feelings ... do not like it one bit.

 

Dirtbubble, being a poet means you write poetry so time does not matter much, at least I was right hehe

 

dreamweaver, believe me I know how it is like, everything and everyone falls on you altogether and everyone takes a piece of you, bleh... I too am sick of fighting but the show must go on babe, I am pretty sure that you will eventually find out why you are here, that moment is worth all of the misery in the world.

 

I am glad you are considering my offer, opening ot a complete stranger is the easier imo, it can not do you harm in any way

Thank you for your offer as well, be sure that I do that one day

Please hang on to life, it will be worth it

Facing a problem sometimes requires a helping hand, humans are social beasts, even the strongest of us needs a hand at times.

 

Abyss

[tea]

who knows, my familyi's pretty cold all together... my mom only cares about my sister, my sister only cares about my mom "sometimes," my brother only cares if anything major happens... my dad cares about no one and i care about no one.

 

=/ we meet up about once a year for a week or two... and get out before anyone starts wanting to kill the other ppl again...

 

and my mom told me when I was 10 that she doesn't love me, no one loves me, no one cares about me, and no one gives a damn about what i want or who i am. preetty sweet. i bet she loves me lots and she just said that to make me feel better. heh... then when i was 12 she suggested that i should take a knife and kill her. Well, i took a knife but i didn't want to go to jail so i suggested that she kill herself instead. and my dad wonders why i laugh my head off when he suggest that every mom must love their kids even if mine doesn't act like it.

 

...

 

I'm not sure what the deal is with my boyfriend either. We both wondered about that a lot because he seems to be the only exception to like.. >_>; everything. I noticed he was a bit different because usually if people touch me i'll get nauseous or i'll gag, but that didn't happen when he gave me a hug the first time. =/ Usually when people touch me I'll think they're going to hit me or something awful's going to happen so I get sick or I run away.

 

He really is an exception to a lot of things in my life... I don't display a lot of emotions in front of people, but i cry all the time in front of him... it seems that normally i just hold it in until i'm alone, but with him around it's a lot harder to hide emotions... and if i'm hiding things he always notice. =/ I can't understand why he's different either so after a year and a half of dating him I just stopped wondering why he's different. ^^: who cares... I'm lucky someone's different I guess.

[The Abyss]

Well then, I was too quick to judge your family ... when your pack fails you, seek another one ... (my nickle ...

 

As far as Mr. Right goes ... well it is good that you have someone to rely on except yourself eh

 

One more question, why hide emotions, I mean it will just end up hurting you won't it?

 

A short post by me

 

The Abyss

[tea]

^_^ i'm taught to hide my emotions. XD =) I think that's pretty much it... if I'm happy my parents punish me to teach me happiness leads to sorrow... if I cry they punish me because people from our family never cry... if I'm angry they punish me because I have no right to be angry, so I pretty much just don't display emotions anymore.

 

=) it's not a big deal though. o_O i'm trying to be more normal, but i'm pretty much used to it so it's no biggie.

 

^^:

[The Abyss]

meh, weird

What ever makes you feel good aye

 

The Abyss

[dreamweaver]

Yea. It's been a hard week for me. But now I'm feeling better. As you say, the show must go on. And I've decided to fight. Because I have some reasons. I hope this is going to be worth it, as you say.

[wendella]

kind of curious how the first thing you said is that you have no demons.

 

first syptom of most problems is denial

 

I to used to cry from one of my eyes to, it was like a fountian opened and it just poured. I would cry while I was denying my emotions at the same time.

 

How's that for similarities.

 

I suggest and only suggest that you be real with yourself.

 

Something is there you just have to have the courage to find it.

 

Pills won't help, go to a therapist. She/he can help you find out why.

[The Abyss]

dreamweaver that is a good thing to hear, I know it will be worth it, we just have to hang on to our lives hard ...

 

wendella, I have lived in denial for 18 years, rest assured I am very self aware.

 

The Abyss

[thisisnotanexit]

yeah you're not alone. i've felt those same emotions before. just go out there and feel..live and see what happens. you might surprise yourself. take advantage of life and realize how precious it is. that worked for me at least. take care

[The Abyss]

I will try my best mate thank you for your words ...

[thisisnotanexit]

no problem, anytime