NC

[SomeGuy112]

Why do people do the NC thing? I mean I have never been in a relationship so I really don't know but, how can someone you had such strong feelings for, or even any feelings at all, grow into someone you don't talk to in one night when you say it's over? I mean I have a hard enough time not talking to a friend for a day when I am mad at them. Of course I am not talking about people who were cheated on or severely hurt like maybe their bf/gf came out for some weird reason and started criticizing everything about them and telling them they were horrible people (I know someone that happened too) and I can sort of understand NC for that, but like people who just grow apart or whatever. How can they possibly do NC it seems weird to me. And what's the point.

 

Also what is the difference between being mad at your significant other, and just mad at a friend. Even if you are cheated on, why the extreme of NC period? Forever is a very long time.

[titan]

its just a way to sort out what each person is feeling, I personally am not a fan but have now finally done it and it works, everything becomes clear after a few days of no contact

[ebola316]

when you spend time in a relationship and that person leaves you, it hurts to have them call you and act like you're their best buddy now. That person just hurt you, and you can tell when they speak to you that they're not hurting at all. I was okay today, and this idiot called a few minutes ago and I picked up the phone. Now I feel lousy again.

[SomeGuy112]

Sorry to hear that eb. Perhaps you should consider they are hurt too but it is for the best and they are doing their best to act not hurt. That may or may not be true but it might make you feel better at any rate.

 

Is NC permanent to you or is it just until you get over it?

[ksk0_0]

Someone explain the term NC to me?

[mtastic]

Is NC permanent to you or is it just until you get over it?

 

I don't know if you were specifically asking ebola that question, but in generall it really depends. The big risk of NC is that it might be permanent, in my case I haven't spoken to my ex (aside form a brief email exchange) since mid may. The point of NC is to reflect and heal yourself so that you are better prepared for a relationship when either a) you and your ex reopen contact and/or get back together, or b) you meet someone knew. Another good reason for no contact, especially immediately following a break up, is that the breakup can make you a little over emotional, which can lead you to do stupid things which only drive your ex further away. In this instance, NC can help keep yourself in check inoreder to save some face with your ex.

 

Just my thought,

mtastic

[mimi20]

WOW!!! i am so in the dark here...uuummmm what is NC?? i think it may mean "No Contact" ? am i right??

[dontknowwhattodo]

For me NC is a permanent thing. I have no desire to talk/call/email or do anything with my ex again.

[ebola316]

NC means no contact. I would think it would be on an individual basis. If you've moved on and are content with your life, it might be ok to be friends. But if you feel the person hurt you too much and you feel animosity, its hard to be friends.

[Double J]

It's just human nature.. When you sense someone distancing themselves from you, it makes you want them more. It makes you fear potentially that they might move on or lose interest in you, especially if you're self-conscious that you've been treating the person bad or haven't been a good b-f/g-f. No contact sometimes works to get the person to become more drawn to you, but it shouldn't be taken too far.

[ebola316]

I've tried it both ways. 3 days of NC and 4 days having contact with him. I find the NC way to be better.

 

When you have contact, it just puts you on an emotional roller coaster, and stops the healing process. It's like having a big chocalate cake in front of you, and you can only take a tiny piece. And you know you really want to eat the whole thing. It's not enough and it leaves you hungry. If the cake wasn't there, you wouldn't be so tempted.

 

So I've decided not to pick up the phone to him anymore. And I don't think lovers can ever be friends. If being friends with you after a long and serious relationship is all they want, and it doesn't faze them, they never cared that much at all.

[trishcollins]

In my vast years of experience, (and I have MANY), NC (no contact) is the best way for the person who was dumped, to heal and move forward. I know it's hard to imagine how you could just cut someone out of your life, especially someone you were so close to and intimate with, but take it from a veteran, it's the only way to heal. Eventually, you might be able to be friends again (I have with one "ex"), but mostly over time, you realize that if they really wanted to work it out, they would have come back, and the N/C has made it easier to move on.

 

As others have said, you need to distance yourself for two reasons. One, there is nothing like making a fool of yourself in front of your "ex" by begging and pleading, to just make you feel worse about the situation. It gets you nowhere, and even may end up pushing them further away. Best to hold your head high and just vent to your friends. Two, you need time to heal and regroup. This time allows you to really work on yourself without the feeling of constantly second guessing and over-analyzing what your "ex" is saying or doing. If you have no contact, you have no fuel for the fire. It's easier when we don't have to hear or see them move on with their lives or not change their mind about the breakup.

 

As I said, when my relationships have ended, N/C was the only way I was able to cope.

 

As long as you leave them knowing you won't be contacting them because you need time to heal, then there isn't much more you can do. If they want you back, they will be in touch, believe me. Whether or not you want them back at that point, well that's up to you. However, at least you are back in control of the situation.

[rich46]

Well said Trish!

 

I think some of the early posters on this thread were confused about why we'd want to cut someone out of our life like that. Well, I can honestly say that I never wanted to cut my ex out of my life. I wish I could just be friends with her. In fact, telling her I couldn't be friends was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! But I couldn't keep in contact with her while she was (inevitably) moving on quicker than me, meeting new guys, having fun, etc.

 

The first few weeks of NC are so difficult but then it gradually becomes easier and easier. I know I've become stronger and stronger over the last few months as I've realised that I don't need her in my life in order to be happy. That alone is empowering. Looking back at how distraught I was, and how I've come through it all unscathed, well that's something to be proud of...same goes for everyone here.

 

Plus there's no hiding from the mentality that doing NC makes the ex suffer a little bit. This was a large part of my mentality when I first started doing it. Over time it has become less and less, as now I am continuing with it for my own sanity! But why should we be treated as a doormat/back up while they are out enjoying themselves? By staying in contact, we are inadvertently making it easier for them to move on in life. By suddenly telling them that we can't be friends, it will shock them because at least in my case, I don't think my ex expected me to do that. I don't think she thought I'd be able to handle it. She was wrong...

 

In fact, she was the one who initiated contact a couple of months after our break up. She was in a state and I felt really bad for her. But unfortunately our exes have to learn the hard way, just like we had to.

 

Staying in contact does a lot for them, but nothing for us. No contact evens things up a little.

 

In fact, it is a win-win situation in my opinion.

[trishcollins]

Yes Rich, I agree. On some level, we do want to punish our "exes" by saying "I'll show you" and then dropping off the face of the earth. I actually thought it would make him crazy when I suddenly cut him off communications. I just think in some weird way, it made it easier for him, as he has demonstrated in the past, he goes into denial, as though it never happened, and thereforeeee by cutting contact, I probably aided him in his behaviour.

 

Anyway, you would be amazed how time can heal. I think back now to some of my exes who I would have thought I could never survive unless I was we reminded friends, and some of them I haven't seen in years and years. Never give them a second thought. It's how we cope. If we could never get over someone, we would have died out as a species a long time ago -- the end of the world would be as a result of heartache.