Dating ex lookalikes?!

[Kitty]

Couldn't think how to phrase the title. And yes I KNOW it's too soon for me to date..

 

I was asked out by a guy, he's interesting (we have disagreements on religion as I'm atheist), caring, texts me and calls me but I just don't find him attractive. The clothes he wears and even his hair (my ex had long hair). I told him I didn't have a spark and he went off on one saying I was looking for perfection.

 

I'm worried I'll only be interested in ex lookalikes and there aren't many of those around.

 

I know you'll all say I need more healing (I know I do) but in the future do you consciously pick out dates who look similar?

[morrowrd]

Instead of getting all worried about "ex look-a-likes" and some invisible rule book on how soon to date after a break up, start considering learning about what it is you exactly want. So what you may decide to date right after a break up, maybe you need it for whatever personal reason - you answer to yourself. And if the men you date look a bit alike, it more or less relates to your taste in men you are attracted too.

 

The annoyed guy asking you out, you owe him no explanation other than, "I'm not interested" and don't feel guilty about it.

[mbee]

Yes, don't feel any guilt about the annoyed guy. I just came out of a relationship about 7 months ago. About 3-4 months after the breakup I compared guys to my ex, which is a big sign that I was not over my ex. It's normal to have a type but that doesn't mean you will date guys who look or act like your ex... there just may be some similarities. Use this time to figure out what you want and to really think about what failed you with your ex.

 

I've started seeing a guy recently who is nothing like my ex in terms of look and personality. This really only happened after about 5 months since the breakup and I still do some comparisons in my head that I'm trying to stop. I think it's normal, especially when a breakup is relatively recent. You can't do much to control it except to make sure that you find a guy who is compatible to you and that you have chemistry with.

[ParisPaulette]

Sorry, the guy who asked you out is just spewing sour grapes. You are totally correct to be leery of dating again so soon after a breakup AND with someone you don't feel a spark with. Give yourself a high five for listening to your own instincts, that's important.

 

Now to the question at hand: I do think some people have a physical or other "type" that they prefer in general--i.e. I have a friend who's only ever dated men with long dark hair and dark eyes with a certain build and height, just because that's what she really, really likes. And yes as a result several of her exes do bear a rather uncanny resemblance to each other just for that reason. So it's possible, but really only if you have a very strong preference for a specific type.

 

Then there's me, none and I do mean none, of the men I've ever dated or had a serious relationship look anything alike either in looks, personality or anything else. I suppose the one thing most of them did share was intelligence since I love a really smart man. That's it. My last ex was tall and slender with a swimmer's build, dark hair and blue eyes. He was a martial arts instructor WHEN he worked, such as it were. The current SO is medium height, a bit buff with silver hair and dark eyes ala George Cluney. He's an artist who's a retired cabinet maker. And the ex-husband is a redhead who was a pro football player before he retired to be a coach. So no, I think it's safe to say I don't have a type beyond "man".

 

Just focus on your healing, keeping listening to your instincts and moving forward. You'll be fine.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, there are a few ways to look at it.

 

Either you like the guys you like because they look like your ex. This means you are hung up on him.

 

Or, you know what you're attracted to and the reason you were attracted to your ex was because he looked like that. All guys you'll be attracted to will have traits in common. Therefore all of the guys you like will fall in the same pool as your ex. That's not bad at all. You have a type. Some people have really specific things they are attracted to. It's not really a problem as long as their specifications aren't making their dating prospects *too* few and far between.

 

I think that guy was just being a bit miffed about being rejected. But, kudos to you for recognizing that you were ready and for cutting off things when you knew they weren't going anywhere. That's hard for a lot of recently single people to do!

[Angler]

he's interesting (we have disagreements on religion as I'm atheist)

 

I know you're not pursuing him, but just as an aside - while it may provide for interesting and stimulating debate initially, differences in beliefs can become irreconcilable.

[Kitty]

I know you're not pursuing him, but just as an aside - while it may provide for interesting and stimulating debate initially, differences in beliefs can become irreconcilable.

Totally agree! I could never see myself with a church (any church) goer, it's just my own beliefs or lack of them! He had started to text me or call me with pet names and lovey phrases and I'm just not into him at all. I'll obviously miss the attention but better to cut him off now rather than weeks into whatever it is he sees/saw in 'us'.

[londonbridge]

Personally for me, none of my past boyfriends looked at all alike. Completely different in looks and personality!

 

However, of the most recent ex, who I was most hung up on, I would notice myself looking for or becoming interested in dating guys who look like him. But then, even when I found men who looked like him, I'd end up constantly comparing the look-alike to my ex, being critical of things like, oh the look-alike dresses too trendy in too bright colors, or, his personality is too loud. lol.

 

When I did meet a look-alike who was very similar in personality and dress style as my ex...at the end it would weird me out completely and I'd just end up thinking about my ex instead of being really there in the present with this new person.

 

So for me, even though I may be attracted to someone who looks very much like that particular ex, it just doesn't work.