Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 He moved out 7 weeks back, he loves me but can't do 'all this'. Read previous (numerous!) posts of mine for full story. We've had a little contact through texts, I've been polite and nice and haven't begged or talked about 'us'. He texted today and I told him I missed chatting to him, no more than that. So he asked if he could pop in on Friday. I have no idea whether he wants me back (VERY much doubt it as he's stubborn when his mind is set) or whether it is just a chat. How do I play this??? I'm preparing myself for a fall but I'll always hope I guess. Link to comment
NoIdea2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Hi Kitty, Did he explain why he wanted to pop by? I think it may be too soon for any sort of serious meeting (but then, as you know from my thread, I'm a bit more cautious than you in this regard!) Link to comment
Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 No, just popping in for a cup of coffee I'm assuming. Never said anything else! Link to comment
NoIdea2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I;m going to reread your previous threads and try and give you a full reply Link to comment
NoIdea2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 You;re in a difficult situation Kitty - you wnat to be a good person and support a guy who's gone through a tough time but i think it's really important that you don;t priortise this over yourself and your own healing. You seem to be doing okay with texting, although i noticed from previous threads that you would get down after certain spells of not reciving communication from him post BU. I think you should find a way to poltiely postpone the coffee for now, I realsie you wnat to have a frindship witht his man for various understandable reasons but it strikes me as a little to soon to be switching to friends. IF it doesn't cause you unnecessary anxiety, i'd stick with text contact for now so that eh realise your not pushing him away. But only if that is the case Link to comment
Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Aww thanks for reading Noldea I am one of life's nice people, too nice! Even his mum thinks I'm too soft. I'd like to see him to put some ghosts to bed I think. To try and desensitize myself, and yeah, I'm not fooling myself by saying that! I'm positive that although he's putting his walls up again he wants to see me for me and not just to see how I am. I don't think, I know really, that he won't come back. Link to comment
NoIdea2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sorry not sure I follow - are you looking for "closure" from the relationshiop? to have questions answered? Link to comment
Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sorry not sure I follow - are you looking for "closure" from the relationshiop? to have questions answered? No. I think I understand his reasons and have no power to change the situation that caused them. I don't go out very often now but would hate to be all happy and 'over him' in the future then see him in a pub ignoring me. If I can get used to seeing him and not having any kisses or hugs then that would be a good thing. Hard to do but I need to practise Don't get me wrong, I've always blanked exes or gone nc before. I just don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself and wondering. I *think* this will help me move on. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Nobody WANTS to go NC. Nobody enjoys it. It never feels good.... or even like "the right thing to do." Right now, your brain is ADDICTED to the happy chemicals its come to associate with your ex. Like a nicotine addict rationalizing that "just one" cigarette isn't going to hurt, your brain is FRANTICALLY trying to rationalize and justify ANY excuse to stay in contact with your ex, to see him, to not let go. You can tell yourself you don't have hopes and you've accepted this is over... I submit for your approval this might not be the case. I'm hearing a lot of denial in your posts. NC is what will help you move on. Period. Everything else.... is just your addict brain scrambling for a fix. There's no way to "play" this. There's no positives to seeing your ex right now, no matter how you're trying to spin it. Just my opinion. Hugs to you -- I really do know how much it hurts! Good luck with it. Link to comment
Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Thanks, I think sharky! I know what you're saying and no doubt I'll be posting here on Friday night in tears but I have to take this chance. Seeing him and how he acts will help me let go I think. Link to comment
iam42 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 it's good to follow your gut. you sound wise and strong and sane. while the meeting will likely set you back emotionally, it will give you clarity - which I have found really aids the healing process. Link to comment
iam42 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Nobody WANTS to go NC. Nobody enjoys it. It never feels good.... or even like "the right thing to do.". hmmm - sometimes NC Is easy and feels like the most natural thing to do. when one is sufficiently hurt, disgusted, turned off, resigned then there is curiously nothing left to say. not sure if this is a typical dumpee or dumper mindset. I myself have never "chosen" to go NC because I believed it was the right thing to do. I have only ever done it from a sense of self-protection and self-regard. and I have done it fairly often... Link to comment
NIN2000 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 From the tone of your words, you are preparing yourself for a fall because you do not expect much out of your ex. If that is the case then why bother? Why waste your time? Why create drama? You should be doing everything possible to move forward in life and not look backwards. Besides, you stated yourself that you doubt that he wants you back because "he is stubborn when his mind is set". Your approach to meet up with him sounds like a waste of time. And if he did want you back, why would you entertain something like that? He sounds fickle. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 hmmm - sometimes NC Is easy and feels like the most natural thing to do. when one is sufficiently hurt, disgusted, turned off, resigned then there is curiously nothing left to say. not sure if this is a typical dumpee or dumper mindset. I myself have never "chosen" to go NC because I believed it was the right thing to do. I have only ever done it from a sense of self-protection and self-regard. and I have done it fairly often... Yeah, the point of going No Contact IS to protect yourself -- and if you do it sooner rather than later, you spare yourself from months of needless suffering, heartache and humiliation that go along with staying in contact and trying to *win back* someone who's broken up with you. If you wait long enough, it probably DOES start to feel like the easier way to go... but why put yourself through that? Link to comment
Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Hmm, yeah. He's not fickle but he's stubborn. I'd like to come out of this with friendship. Anything else is a bonus. Even when he sat me down and ended it we sat for hours just chatting and hugging. It was a 'nice' end. I don't know. I'll take everything you've all said on board but I'm not cancelling. I'll no doubt update you in floods of tears and tell you how wrong I was! I am strong, I can do this Link to comment
NoIdea2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I had a "nice" end to both of myrelationships as well, sometimes that can be misconstrued as there still being something there that isn't best of luck with it, we'll eb here for you either way. Link to comment
Kitty Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Thanks Noldea! I hope you solve your problems soon. I will update on Friday night, no doubt with a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows! Link to comment
Kitty Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 Right. He's been round for a couple of hours and we shared beers. It was nice y'know? He complimented me a lot (new hair cut), told me I looked great. We hugged and kissed (pecks) always him instigating. We talked about moving on and the next person, he hopes I'll find someone good who'll treat me right and if we bump into each other when out he'd still hug me. I told him he won't have any trouble finding a new girl but to make sure she doesn't put him down in any way (he had bad previous which affected him), he said that she'd have big shoes to fill as I am awesome. I was the only woman that's let him be himself. He said. I told him I don't want to lose this chatting, he agreed. I apologised for how I was and to dismiss the last month of our relationship. He agreed and kept smiling into the distance. He's adamant he's wired up for being single. He said he misses me being with him watching rubbish on tv. I asked if I still could sometime and he said yes. I know just as friends. I'm cool, really. I'm happy I never went NC. I told him I've been asked out and he said he's a lucky b&@£ard. I have a tear but I'm ok. I'm happy happier than if I hadn't seen him tonight. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Usually there's a rush whenever you have contact with an ex. Link to comment
Kitty Posted November 2, 2013 Author Share Posted November 2, 2013 Usually there's a rush whenever you have contact with an ex. Yeah. In my heart of hearts I knew it'd pan out like this but there's always hope. Just going to move on now. Link to comment
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