Broke NC

[Ann]

I've messed up, broke contact. Sent an email professing my love and apologising. he left me for someone else. how pathetic is that? Feel rubbish. Can't be arsed with NC anymore. Everyone I talk to is just bored silly with my bu shi. And I can't really blame them. I am too. Wake up each morning feeling like crap. Ok for the first few minutes and then remember. Oh well. Time to move on, I know, just don't know how and want him back.

[mhowe]

But realistically or logically, since he left you for someone else --- you know he isn't coming back.

 

As hard as it is --- the way you let go is --- by letting go! Of the thoughts of him, of the hope he will return. It sounds like it will hurt --- but in fact, it frees you and lifts that "crap" feeling in the morning when you wake up. You can spend your whole day thinking about what will make you happier and stronger.

[appies]

you might want to block his e-mail so that you can't send messages to him again

[JagzOrDaFlash]

It's alright. Just get back on the horse again. We all mess up, some like me more than what we should because of our feelings. It's normal. Even if it takes us forever to move on, don't beat yourself up too much because you will mess up along the way but don't let it get you down. Instead let it inspire you not to.

[Ann]

But realistically or logically, since he left you for someone else --- you know he isn't coming back.

 

As hard as it is --- the way you let go is --- by letting go! Of the thoughts of him, of the hope he will return. It sounds like it will hurt --- but in fact, it frees you and lifts that "crap" feeling in the morning when you wake up. You can spend your whole day thinking about what will make you happier and stronger.

 

 

I know, you are logically correct, but that feeling in the morning is beyond my control. I wake, I feel glad that I finally had a good sleep, I look at the cat, look around, and then BOOOM. Another punch in the stomach. Really beyond my control. And that's after having dreams about him where he is being so lovely and caring. I will get over it (it's that or total madness), but just saying, it's not always that easy? x

[mhowe]

Didn't say it was easy --- it isn't. But your dreams about him being loving and caring are dreams, or wishes. Because someone who was lovely and caring wouldn't have left you.

 

At some point, when you are ready -- you will reach the point where you realize that you are spending way to much energy on something you cannot change.

 

And you will decide to refocus your energy on things you CAN change --- like how you are reacting to being left. And that day will be the turning point.

[Ann]

yes, but the way I was left. Not so sure he isn't a psychopath. Never an indication. I guess that might be another thread, or possibly another website (!)

[mhowe]

Some ways of being left are worse than others, but the result is the same. We are "left".

 

I remember my "aha" moment --- that I was sick and tired about "renting" the whole break up in my head --- I was left with bogus explanations that I knew were not true. And when I reached the "frikkin sick and tired of wasting my time thinking about us/him/the relationship/the break up", and realized I might never get to the bottom of it....I said ENOUGH.

 

Focused on fitness, work and a new sport. Made plans for a mini-vaca. And put the whole mess behind me.

 

You cannot change the past. The future, however, is yours to design.

[Mesemene]

Most of us have that moment of clarity eventually where we see just what we're doing - what we've permitted another person to reduce us to - and just can't believe that's... could it be... ME?

 

I know I was just mortified and sickened when I REALLY looked at myself, listened to myself, and read my journal that I had been reduced to this begging, whining snivelling THING. And had that "moment" when I thought "well duh, right now I wouldn't want anything to do with me either!"

 

Does really seeing things clearly and making that decision to try and rejoin "the land of the living" make things better? Not right away as far as the despair and sadness go - no. However, it does put a little steel back in the spine to keep trying - and every little step that you succeed in - DOES help. It makes you feel like yes, you ARE worth more than being in this state. And yes, you WILL pick up the pieces, eventually.

 

Find something to focus on. Find an activity to divert yourself with whenever you feel the worst of those thoughts coming on. Exercise, cleaning, bills, organizing - it doesn't matter as long as it's productive (something that will have positive results) and requires effort and concentration.

 

Reorganize your room, apartment, or house. Anywhere he has been with you - make it look different. Stubbing your toes at night is MORE than worth not seeing images of times gone by around every corner.

 

Add some decorations you might enjoy that you didn't have around knowing it might not be appreciated by him. You are pleasing yourself now.

 

Cook something you love and he didn't. Take time for soaks with scented candles and bubbles. Take walks in the evening air and take the time to sort out the smells and sounds around you.

 

You're alive - it just doesn't always FEEL like it now. And if you backslide, jump back in and keep going.

[Ann]

Yes, that makes sense. Hope to have an 'aha' moment soonish. Don't want to turn into an utter bore (to myself and others). Thank you. Just really want the morning terrors to f$%$$% off. Not my design or my making. That, however, may be a meds thing.

[Ann]

Thank you. That makes total sense.

[Kittykat12]

My ex left me for someone else. Going NC was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I have been broken up about 8 months, and NC nearly 3.

 

I know he doesnt contact me, because he doesnt care. It does get easier.

 

Though it was his birthday yesterday - and for some reason that was really hard on me. I stupidly looked at his FB page and could gather from the posts, that they are quite serious now. She seems to know all his family. I guess I was still hoping that they werent serious.

 

But you can do it ! If I can, anyone can. I was crazy for months - at least most people only do it for a little bit.

 

It is still a struggle , but I know there is no point in contact. It only hurts me

[Ann]

My ex left me for someone else. Going NC was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I have been broken up about 8 months, and NC nearly 3.

 

I know he doesnt contact me, because he doesnt care. It does get easier.

 

Though it was his birthday yesterday - and for some reason that was really hard on me. I stupidly looked at his FB page and could gather from the posts, that they are quite serious now. She seems to know all his family. I guess I was still hoping that they werent serious.

 

But you can do it ! If I can, anyone can. I was crazy for months - at least most people only do it for a little bit.

 

It is still a struggle , but I know there is no point in contact. It only hurts me

 

luckily he is not on fb or anything else and i thank god for that. I know I would be weak and look otherwise! it's good to hear that it gets easier. easier but also hard work. i really have effed up with breaking contact, but i suppose his total lack of response, in a way, is confirmation of what i already knew. time to take action. i have a life outside him. we all do!!! yay for us. lets just get on with it. The morning is going to be crap again, but hopefully I will recognise that it is the same old same old. time to reclaim my life!

[Kittykat12]

Yes , time for action

[Ann]

My ex left me for someone else. Going NC was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I have been broken up about 8 months, and NC nearly 3.

 

I know he doesnt contact me, because he doesnt care. It does get easier.

 

Though it was his birthday yesterday - and for some reason that was really hard on me. I stupidly looked at his FB page and could gather from the posts, that they are quite serious now. She seems to know all his family. I guess I was still hoping that they werent serious.

 

But you can do it ! If I can, anyone can. I was crazy for months - at least most people only do it for a little bit.

 

It is still a struggle , but I know there is no point in contact. It only hurts me

 

You sound like you are waiting. I think NC is a bit misleading. It is a revelation for some, but pure misery for others. NC isn't for me. Just moving on is my bag I have decided. hurts like hell. I thought about his birthday too. It's just a day. You were strong and you got over it. hopefully you won't be thinking about the next one.

[Kittykat12]

I think I may have been waiting for a while - I dont think I am anymore. Still healing, it is taking a while, probably too long. It still hurts to think about the new lady, I wanted that to fail for some reason.

 

But I know even if it did - we wouldnt get back together , there is too much hurt now and mistrust.

 

And yes I do feel stupid for looking at his FB, it only causes pain - he isnt sitting around thinking about me.

[Ann]

I think I may have been waiting for a while - I dont think I am anymore. Still healing, it is taking a while, probably too long. It still hurts to think about the new lady, I wanted that to fail for some reason.

 

But I know even if it did - we wouldnt get back together , there is too much hurt now and mistrust.

 

And yes I do feel stupid for looking at his FB, it only causes pain - he isnt sitting around thinking about me.

 

I felt physically sick when he admitted he was with someone else. But I am moving towards seeing him for what he is. He wants to be with someone else? Cool, go for it. It's only been 3 weeks, so a wouldn't blame anyone for saying 'well, it obviously didn't mean that much'. They would be wrong. I loved the %^%^&% with all my heart. But there are so many reasons to free yourself Kittykat12. Time for bed x

[mhowe]

The moment you find out that someone you gave your heart to has cheated on you --- your stomach drops out, you feel like you have been punched --- and your world, and your trust --- in yourself....changes. How could you not know? How could they do that when you trusted them so?

 

And it will take a while to stop internalizing it.

 

And one day, you will realize it had nothing to do with you, or your worth.

It had everything to do with their lack of morals and integrity. And that has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

I hope your healing continues.

[pippy longstocking]

If you believe in your angels and spirit guides, then ask as you are settling down for the night to wake with a positive outlook and help you heal and gain a fresh outlook . Have a mantra to say as soon as you wake up to stop your brain re living the whole thing inch by inch ..just keep saying it over and over ...it could be anything ...for eg " I am fabulous , I will have a wonderful day" it is a distraction for your mind .

 

if this stuff isn't your thing then feel free to ignore me x

[Kittykat12]

^

 

I need to start doing this. I seem to have gone backwards - and I don't know why. My brain knows all the 'right' stuff. And there is no new information for me to process. It feels like I am stuck.

[mhowe]

Affirmations do work.

 

Because if you speak them out loud --- a few things happen:

 

you formulated the thought.

you gave it "voice".

your brain "heard" it.

 

And that is all behavioral changes take --- retraining your brain. So each time you do it ---it is 3x just stewing on the wrong stuff.

[journeynow]

My emotions and logic didn't mesh after my break up. Try writing letters (but not sending, do them on paper) with your roles reversed. Imagine you're dumping him, you're firm on the decision and reasons, and his begging doesn't sway you. It helped me start to turn things around emotionally.

 

I also suggest changing your bedroom around, rearrange the furniture, splurge on new sheets and comforter if you can, make something special about it that is entirely for you. (I didn't do these till much later, couldn't swing it right away, but it can help transform things.)

 

Meet a friend first thing in the morning for an early walk, run, or coffee, so that you don't have time to think in the morning, just get up and head out the door for something YOU enjoy.

[mhowe]

I wrote out conversations between us -- my side, his side. Tried it from probably 3 points of view....my strongest, his strongest, somewhere in the middle.

And you know what --- it all came out the same. It was over.

 

And then I accepted it, and let go. With love in my heart (you need not feel that) and got on with getting on with my life.

[Kittykat12]

I have done similar things -- we even talked about it quite a bit. And yes, all things lead to it is over ! I wasnt even that happy.

 

So I have no idea why I am still feeling like this 8 months on. How it happened was pretty awful, and a lot of that was my fault for continuing to see him and going into denial over the whole thing.

 

I allowed it to become all about me, me being a bad person and not being worthy of love, let alone a decent break up.

 

I will practice affirmations and see how I go.

[simplexity]

It's ok..the emotions you are now having is but normal to amyone undergoing breakups.

Breakups triger our vulnerable spots as it is an event where strongest emotions of love and abandonment collides.

Mistakes or fall out will be a part of it.

What you did may not be right but it sure show how brave you are to even send that message despite the feeling of brokeness.

Detaching ourselves to a habit or in this case to someone we used to feel greatly attached is not only a difficult task but a very painful one.

You have to realize that at this stage you're exposing to the most vulnerable part of yourself ...

Remember, the reason why you both will not work out.

Relationship is indeed like a dance of 2 souls, of which, one cant just play all the role.

Give yourself the time to grieve. Let all your emotions out. It is okay not to feel okay.

Release the blame. It is no ones fault. Forgive him and forgive yourself. What he did maybe wrong and will never be right but forgiving him is doing more yourself a favor by releasing the anger inside of you that is controlling or preventing you to feel free from his power over you.

Lastly, be grateful and remember the lesson. Be grateful that it happened and that this event will serves as a good lesson not to repeat the same mistake.

Now, shake the dust away..and be the better version of yourself take care