My realization so far, and a new way of life.

[flower888]

I read a few threads under this feelings category, some of the advices are so good, and the feelings described were so candid, and one particular statement just blew me away, so I just feel like writing too.

 

For the past 12 years, I had been unhappy, I suppose I was even mildly clinically depressed, with a lot of anger inside. The root of the problem was, my ex husband and me were not compatible. I tried hard to make it work, which included burying my own needs and doing what I could. I finally took the courage to divorce amicably. He is a nice guy actually, I just didn't love him anymore.

 

I used to place a lot of importance on friends. But during my hard times due to relationship breaking up, I finally realized my friends were not there when I needed them. On top if this, I realize I need to put on my best behavior in front of friends, eg, I can't lose temper, I can't show my any negative emotions even though that was how I might be feeling inside etc. with all these efforts in giving them my best behavior, what did I get in return? ZERO. there was one friend who was my best friend for over 20 years, I realized, only wanted me to listen to her but never the other way. I finally stopped tolerating with that and stopped being friends with her. Wow, I felt a burden off my shoulder.

 

Then another friend whom we had been supporting each other for a long time, my dearest friend, one day, I lost it and snapped at her, and she dumped me.

 

Really, after 40 years of living, I realize that I don't need friends. It is best I don't have this need, because i think dogs and cats are more faithful than friends. Oh, you don't have to agree with me. I believe there are good friendships in this world, I just don't have the luck to have it. That is fine, I am at peace right now with my own situation. I still love to watch dramas on good friendship, is nice to watch the fantasy.

 

My mom is the one who truly loves me. So ironic that during my teenage years, I didn't even consider her to be my friend, but now she is my dearest friend even if she doesn't understand my feelings. Because, I don't have to pretend in front of her, I lost my temper before, yelled at her before, she still loves me the same. Wow. Mom is the best.

 

So, I got rid of the triggers in my life, and I am actually happier with no friends. I am not asking people to do the same, I am just voicing out my own situation here. Right now, I just have no interest to make new friends. The thoughts of needing to put on a fake front, to always put on a nice smile , I have no interest.

 

Many of the posts here I could relate to. Anger issues, loneliness issues.... Hopefully time will resolve all these for you. It did for me. The statement that blew me away was " people don't make you happy, people make you unhappy." I took me so long to realize this. For me, the best time to make friends is the time when I don't need friends. If you are feeling lonely now, it is normal. When you reach 40, you won't feel lonely anymore even when you are alone.

[flower888]

Just thought of venting on my own thread, hope it doesn't bother anyone.

 

I just had 3 days of my regular low mood days, I figured I will feel down for few days when I had my period. I waited patiently for it to pass. Finally this morning, my mood picked itself back up. I was feeling joyful, and then I realise my husband threw away my whole big box of stock ( I sell things online ) by mistake. I didn't pack them away yet the past few days as I was low in energy due to my period. I can't believe this could happen. Could he not feel the weight of the box?

 

My mood went bam down again, and being a mature adult, I cannot lose my temper. It didnt cost a fortune, but it did make me feel lousy.

 

Just read on another thread that someone's ex husband committed suicide. I feel for that lady's sadness although I didn't reply that thread. She wrote if his family or herself had cared more at hat critical time maybe he wouldn't had killed himself.

 

This brought me back the memory when my best friend of 20 plus years walked out on me when iwas at the lowest point of my life. She walked out because I being at my lowest, lost my temper and said a couple of not pleasant things to her. Did it occur to her I could had killed myself at that critically low point of my life? Geezzz... To think that. I even tried a few times to patch back with her after that. I won't bother any more, in fact, I now choose to never forgive her. Someone who literally leave you to potentially die. Just read on her Facebook talking about celebrating her friendship with some old classmates... Just like the post above, friends are to share an umbrella on sunny days, only. How true.

 

I am sorry I lost my temper at that one time in 20 years of friendship. Maybe in this world's standard, I don't deserve any friend because losing temper one time in 20 years is just too much for any friend to bear. This standard is too high, I can't live up to it.

 

I feel that I have only myself to win over my negative emotions. A lot of times is just to wait it out and not do anything, and luckily, it will definitely pass. So, I had learnt to depend on myself. Not bad at all.