I just want to feel like myself again...

[SugarNSpice]

I don't know how I let this happen to me. All I've been able to do for the past month is eat, sleep and cry. I keep telling myself that I will get over this break-up with my ex, and that one day I will start to feel better, but it's been a month and all I do is think about him. The other day, I called him and embarrassed myself by crying and telling him how I was feeling. He told me to stop being a drama queen and to pull myself together. I know he's right... Even my work is suffering...

 

I'm trying to cut off communication with him completely, but it's very difficult for me, especially after being together for almost 3 years. He's seeing someone else already, and I know that he's already slept with her. Everytime I think about it, I feel as though there is a knife twisting in my stomach, and I know that I just can't handle knowing what's going on in his life anymore. I just don't think I'm strong enough... It makes me feel like I'm just not good enough for him... I keep thinking about all the plans and dreams I had for the two of us, and I can't even get out of bed in the morning.

 

I just want to feel normal again, without all this pain. And one day, I would like to be friends with him again because I care so deeply for him. Is this even possible? This isn't the first time we've broken up, but in the past, there was always the possibility of reconciliation. Now, with this new woman in his life, that possibility is gone. If anyone has any advice for me on how to feel better about myself again, and how to move on with my life without feeling resentful and angry at him, I would really appreciate it.

[heyguys]

You have to read my posts! I know eaxclty how you feel. you wake up in the morning and hes on your mind by default. i would feel this anxiety every morning.Id be like" dang, it wasnt just a nightmare" well i started seeing the school counslor, friends whatver it took to just let it out. It helps and soon enough you will start annoying yourself by talking about it all the time. But read my posts and let me know if you wanna talk.

[Tinkerbell]

Hello SugarNSpice, and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Break-ups are hard, there's no doubt about it, and when the "dumper" jumps into a new relationship so quickly it certainly feels as though salt is being poured into your wounds. I would say "I understand what you're going through," as I have been through a fair share of break-ups myself, but the truth is that nobody can really understand what you're feeling but you. That's why you are the only one who can know what's best for you right now, although the rest of us can certainly help you if your actions seem a little reckless.

 

It's going to be difficult, but you must begin focusing on yourself instead of your ex. Is there something you've always wanted to try, something that you've always wanted to do? Now with the extra time you have on your hands, feel free to go for it. Do something nice for yourself, whether it be a spa treatment or tickets to a basketball game. Surround yourself with friends who can support you through this tough time, and whenever you feel yourself longing for your ex, remind yourself that you are perfectly capable of being happy on your own and that there are billions of other men out there waiting. Don't feel rushed to get over him within a few days, take it one step at a time, and whenever you're feeling down, don't hesitate to post.

 

Take care, and don't forget to smile!

~Tink

[ticklebug]

you show all the classic signs of clinical depression...and having been in a roller coaster relationship that is finally over....it is not uncommon.

 

not only do you need to get your rear end out of the house and start doing things...join the local gym and start working out, window shop, call up some girlfriends you fell out of communication with since you wrapped your life around this guy and go have dinner...you also should probably see a doctor or counselor and get yourself on an anti-depressant -especially if your work is being affected.

 

When you become clinically depressed, the chemicals in your brain that control your emotions and stability are off kilter, the mild anti-depressants help to restore the balance in those chemicals to help you feel more like participating in the world again.

 

Zoloft is one of the most used anti-depressants. You may want to take a look at it's website and read the information it has about depression...I'm sure it will help you.

[goddess23]

hey...i really can relate to you. i mean my bf and i were serious but not like yours. it was 9 PERFECT months, we were both in love and just starting to get a little more intimate when he went on summer vacation and came back "confused". all my friends think we are just meant to be together...but i know in my heart it's over. and its so hard because everytime i think of the way we were, so close looking for eachother every period in school, spending hours talking and kissing after school lol...and now its all gone. we're still friends and some days i feel fine and other days i just cry thinking about him. it's tough!! its been 2 months since our breakup and im still very hurt. however, my life goes on. for you, it seems to be really inteferring with you, you may want to consider talking to a professional. maybe just getting it out and getting some feedback and understanding what is really going on inside of you. he will always be special to you, important to you, but you need to try and do everyday things, stay busy. trust me, its definitely something that helps me, stay busy with other aspects of your life because he was part of it but not all of it. try to remember that you are still worth it--i feel the same way as if i was just not good enough. but thats not true. they loved us, but their feelings changed. at least remember what you had was amazing and true and now you can look back and smile at a great relationship. just try to stay busy, dont shut out new partners, but i woudlnt suggest looking for a relationship just yet. your ex is rushing into something and you know what, just because they're sleeping together, doesnt mean he's truly happy.

[lovelostlady]

oh honey, i feel for you, i really do, because I'm in the same shoes. it's been three weeks for me and it really hasn't gotten any better at all. the pain really does seem unbearable. sometimes I feel like the pain doesn't go away at all, I just get more used to the feeling.

 

the fact that he's with someone else now means nothing. don't let that make you feel worse. she is only a rebound and chances are it will not last. i don't know your ex or the situation so I don't know for sure, but most people can't just get over someone they've been with for three years and move on to someone else with such ease. a lot of people jump into new relationships so fast simply for the distraction, so they won't feel lonely.

 

its natural to grieve for awhile, to feel hopeless. this is normal. but this is what people keep telling me life existed before him and will exist after him. your whole life's happiness doesn't revolve around one person. concentrate on all the other things in your life that make you happy. go out with your girlfriends, read a good book, belt our your favorite song in your car by yourself, spend time with your family (i find that spending time with my family makes me feel so warm because they are something in my life I know that I can ALWAYS rely on). we will survive this and we will be stronger for it.

 

if you dont mind my asking, what are the circumstances surrounding your breakup?

[kungfumaster]

Hey SugarNSpice,

 

I understand what you are going through. One year ago, I felt the same way, and I am telling you now - THE PAIN WILL FADE AWAY - give yourself some time. I am actually reliving some of the memories now, but I have to say, I feel 10000000000 times much better, and the pain is almost gone.

 

What I did was and what I suggest you do is to INVEST IN YOURSELF now - whatever that means for you. For me, it was working out, joining a dancing class, taking a trip to the orient for a month, and alot of other little trips elsewhere, and working on my career. Its hard, I know, but you have to try... I know right now it feels like there is no point to life anymore, but I say no - give yourself sometime to heal - emotionally, physically, and mentally - this is your time to grieve - so grieve - it is okay. Be depressed. Its natural. But don't resign yourself to it. Be depressed, but decide the next day you will not be depressed and you have to go on with life, i.e., work, investing in yourself, being with friends, etc...

 

I, and alot of other people in this forum can attest to the trite, but true, and often overused sentiment: "Time will heal". It is soooooo true. I know this time last year, I was like "yah, whatever" - just like what you are probably thinking now - but it is really true. Give yourself some time. It is alright. Invest in yourself. You will get back to your normal self again, but in fact, you will become a more stronger person, not your normal self again when you begin to heal. I know I have learned alot, and I am a stronger person for it. You will be okay.

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[leeptalu]

I understand completely also. It has been 6 weeks for me since he broke off our relationship after 5 years, and sometimes i feel as though getting out of bed would kill me with the effort. But you have to do it, take the advice of all the posters on here and pamper yourself! Take long hot baths, get a fake tan or massage , heave yourself to the gym- you will begin to feel better the more you stick to it, trust me.This is the plan of action I was taking until i broke No Contact and allowed him to mess with my brain again(don't do it babe, it just puts you back at the start again).Make yourself a better person, so that when you truly feel you are beginning to get over him, he can see what an amazing , confident and physically attractive person you are, or have become.He will either a) want you back or b) feel BIG twangs of regret or even jealousy.By then, you may have sorted your head out so much, you will probably be inclined to tell him to get lost!But really stick to this and set time aside every day just for you, day by day it improves almost imperceptbly. I have made a decision for NC and it feels good already, I don't have to have his personal life rubbed in my face whenever I see him and I can concentrate on myself. Just think how sick he will feel when he sees you have dropped a few pounds or have a fantastic new haircut. It will bring home to him that you are strong and independent enough not to give a s##t about him ( even though inside i'm sure you still do).Reverse psychology works on most people even though they may not realise it! So try it honey, I know it is hard but remember that people like me are going through this at exactly the same time and feeling the same lost, empty feelings as you. The only one who can change your situation is you. Go for it babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[SugarNSpice]

I dragged my butt out of bed this morning and made it to the gym and ran some errands. For a while, I felt a bit better, but then I went for a walk to get some lunch and saw all the places we used to hang out at. I wish that I could stop associating everything around me with him...

 

I know I should explain why this breakup is hurting me so much. I actually broke up with him in March. Things were not going well... he wasn't sure if he wanted a serious relationship and didn't want to commit, so I left him. For the next six months, we saw each other occasionally as friends and he kept telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to try it again. He said he would wait for me. I love him but at first, I was adamant that no, it wasn't going to work out, and I kept telling him that. But after six months, I saw that he had made some changes in his life and had returned to the happy, confident guy I fell in love with, and so we decided to try it again.

 

Clearly this was a huge mistake on my part. After we started dating and I started opening myself up to him and trusting him again, he started with his nonsense again, telling me he'd been enjoying being single, that he has a "wandering eye" and that though I am the type of woman he wants to marry, he isn't ready to handle something so serious! I feel like such a fool. I should have known this was coming, that as soon as he'd convinced me, he'd change his mind. I really feel like he's playing games with me at this point, and I'm so angry. But mostly, I just feel stupid.

 

I really want to move on with my life. I keep wondering how someone who supposedly loves me could hurt me like this. He says I really hurt him when I broke up with him but that he isn't punishing me for it. I feel it's different though... he cheated on me. I had to break up with him...

 

Sigh... I know, I know... get rid of him, move on, etc. I'm working on it. It's my third day of no contact. Him telling me to stop being a drama queen was a slap in the face, and humiliating enough to prevent me from talking to him for now.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It really does help to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

[PrincessLinzay]

Baby steps hun......

 

I know you've probably heard this about 50 gazillion times now, but you really just have to keep busy. Try to surround yourself with people. That really does help take your mind off things. Get interested in something and vent here whenever the urge to contact him arises. >

[trishcollins]

I actually broke up with him in March.....and he kept telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to try it again. He said he would wait for me. I love him but at first, I was adamant that no, it wasn't going to work out, and I kept telling him that. But after six months, I saw that he had made some changes in his life and had returned to the happy, confident guy I fell in love with, and so we decided to try it again.

 

What you just wrote there is what we all want to know about what the person who dumped us is going through. You see, if you take the advice of all the good folks here -- taking care of ourselves and focusing on US -- suddenly our "exes" are interested again, as you were in him when you saw positive changes.

 

Of course, whether or not we want them back at that point will be OUR decision, but at least we are in control then.

 

Sorry you are going through this. I am at month 5 (mostly N/C) and although he isn't with anyone else (and doesn't want to be in ANY relationship right now, wants to focus on his kids), I still hurt everyday. The pain is not as bad, but I still have my moments. I have removed every sign of him from my home -- photos, cards, dried flowers, gifts, etc. -- and put them all in a box in the basement. But, I understand what you mean about associating things to him. I can't go to any restaurant, antique shop, or drive through Tim Horton's without a memory of us there together popping into my head.

 

In time I know it will get easier. I got through it once before, but it took 18 months before I would date again. I don't intend to wait 18 months this time, but I know I am not ready to be out there yet.

 

Hang in there, you will get through this.

[SanShou]

Hey sweetheart,

 

I know the feeling. It is hard to deal with that physical feeling that we have when someone lets go. We broke up in August and still the feeling is there, that unsettled feeling in your stomach. Remember a few things though... One, that before you met him you were happy and did not need him or anyone else for your happiness, life takes you all over the place into the clouds and into the pits we make decisions and those are the repercussions,

 

Two, that if you put in the best of yourself that you are always always always the winner somehow, we just cant see it at this point, but it is true,

 

Three this goes with the last statement, you always learn from your past, let that be your past, its something to learn from, we learn something everyday, always be a student of life it has much to teach you, if you put your best self in, and got "the shaft" in return, its life trying to tell you something about that person,

 

Four, dont feel embarrassed for calling and crying to him, that is so natural, I am a man and I have done that in some way shape or form. Its ok if you forget about your pride, sometimes we are not so ready to be "be strong", just dont let yourself too long of a period of time to keep doing that, after a while you have to start being tough with yourself, but take baby steps if you need too, you will eventually get there, I had to do the same things, because I was so attached, see it as a point in your life where life is taking you on a mysterious dangerous path where you have to be "up" for the challenge, where you dont have the stability of having a significant other and its time to show life and yourself what you got inside of you, you have strong spirit inside of you deep below just let that start expressing itself, honestly try to focus on that, that spirit it is the only things that gets us thru lifes twists and turns, its there in you just let it surface, trust me it will with time,

 

Now I am not totally over my ex, its hard for me to put her in that category, but I have seen myself become a little stronger slowly but surely, trust me I did many embarrasing things these past months, but that is just you fighting for what you believe in, that is your faith/belief in love, and thats a beautiful thing....aaaaaahhhhh if only they could make a movie out my struggle (im sure sometimes we all think like that), But really you have to believe that its good, that its positive, I regret some things but not totally, I know I did those things because I believed in something that was good, give yourself that much credit, you are probablly a very intelligent and resourceful person, you just have to keep on, take it easy, right nowlife is telling you to chill with yourself,

 

I now have not talked to my ex for a few weeks, thats a long time for me, im trying to keep it up. Really time helps dissolve the intensity of your emotions, I am sure I will have the urges and as i am writing this I have all kinds of thoughts to tlak to her, but I know that I am chillin right now and I dont need that in my life right now, not this minute, not the minute after that, not this hour, not the hour after that, not this day the day after that, not this week, and probably not the week after that, and so on... so I feel you girl, just try to remember some of these things, and take it easy,