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In a funk. and how do you not put your ex on a pedistool...

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when she belongs there?



Well four months broken up from a 2 year relationship. Said she felt anxiety becuase of us getting into fights so often. we would fight abut little issues, much of it was my insecurites would cause me to pick fights. I'm getting professional help and feel i've come along way at getting better. But still get insecure at times, however i'm convinced i learned so much that i wouldn't repeat past mistakes if i had the chance at lve with her or anyone else agian.


I really can;t blame her for feeling anxiety, though had i known it was so bad i still would have looked at myself more... I know i unconsously brought her down because of my own insecurites...


My ex really was perfect, good morals, honest, loyal, intelligent, sweet and thoughtfull and mature and she was as pretty as any model or actress i;ve seen. she loved me for me.


I feel like i just have neer known anyone else with all of these attrbutes in her, she was abosutly perfect in my eyes... and now... theres no one else like her to be found...


For fun i'll go on these dating things to see whats out there and i come accross attractive girls my age (20's) but all they want to do is party, get drunk and meet guys. this is not the type of girl i want, i want someone who is attractive but a little more timid, modest and mature (like my ex was).


Moreover they're looking for a guy like them! and those types of guys are usually the college sports types of guys. (and then they complain that they want no players who treat them bad, go figure!)


I will say looks do matter to me to a certian degree... they definatly do not have to be perfect by any means but damn, it will be hard to top my ex and thats what bugs me the most.


I'm a good looking guy, but average height and build, not an athlete but have a fit and pretty trim body, but i don't like sports all too much, i guess i'm not too impulsive or advnterous, i'm into music, art, movies, dining out, travelling, excersising at the gym, deep conversation,... just like my ex was.


Sometimes i feel like i just might be boring.


The thing is it's easier for an attractive girl (like my ex was) to adapt this party lifestyle (all they hae to dois stand there and get hit on and just go with it but girls don't come up and hit on guys as much) but for me, i'm just not a party guy. decent looking or not I can be entertaining at parties but it never sastisfies me, what satisfies me is having a loyal and kind compannion to experience other things with.


I don't know where to meet women, i don't like the bar and it's only littered with these types of girls, i'm friendly, outgoing and all that but i'm just not a party kinda guy. I enjoy spending time with close friends at a pub or resteraunt. more than meeting new drunk idiots at a nightclub. i just can';t relate to those types of people, i'm ahead in maturity i guess.


I do get out and hang with friends allot, but that dosn't really allow for meeting new people too often... as we just hang out go toa pub or the movies.


I go to a small college, not allot of new people there to meet and althugh i'm in design, most of the people are too artsy and out there at my school.


sigh, rant rant rant...


some days i feel like i have allot to offer, others i just think, yeah but to WHO? 17 years i never found anyone like my ex... do i have to wait another 17?

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You sound like someone who knows what you want, and when you see it, you will know. Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to know what you want in someone else, but not be able to meet them.


I have been on probably 100 first dates in my life, been to many, many bars, nightclubs and parties and lived all over the world. And yet I still haven't managed to meet "the one". I have had only four serious relationships, and none have lasted that long. I know it's not me, it's definitely them -- I tend to pick guys who are in the "vulnerable" state -- the ones recovering from a previous relatinship breakup -- a pattern I intend NOT to repeat ever again.


Don't worry, we ALL try and make our "exes" out to be saints (well most of us), but they are human like us, they have issues and problems they need to sort through and they make mistakes. Stick to guns and don't get discouraged. You will meet someone out there who is just as attractive, smart and together as you ex was, and who will appreciate you for just being you.

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First of all, you say you're down on yourself and don't think that you'll find someone because you're not into sports, not very athletic, but you're a good looking guy who's into "music, art, movies, dining out, travelling, excersising at the gym, deep conversation" who's looking for a solid relationship??? Dude, I don't know where you are, but I know about 20 girls who would describe you as THEIR TYPE OF GUY.


But anyway, you asked about how not to put your ex on a pedistal. A lot of people will tell you to focus on the negative atributes of your ex. Like, did she snort when she laughed or did she have crooked toes or something. The reason why this doesn't work is because when you're in love, all those "imperfections" we see as endearing. Like in "Good Will Hunting", when Robbin Williams talks about how his wife used to fart in her sleep.


Instead, focus on things she did that made you feel bad. Things that were insensitive or hurt your feelings. There had to be bad moments during the relationship, so focus on those. It will help you to see that there is a difference between the idealized image that you hold in your head now and who she really was.


And don't worry about finding new girls. There are millions of quality women out there, so there's no rush to find a new one. Give yourself time to heal.


Good luck

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