new divorce, old flame- tell me what I am doing is wrong!

[CjaneRUN]

I am at the starting point of a divorce and at the same time a long lost love has suddenly fell back in my life.

 

At first, the feelings were crazy- like we picked up where we left off 12 years ago when we were both in high school. But each day shows that neither of us are the same person and the memory of love that once was is not enough. He is not a responsible choice for me- no job, no car, lives with his parents still...and I need so much more then what he can give me. (I have a career, two children, responsibilities!)

 

How can I turn off those old feeling and the thoughts of 'what if' and move on? At night I can resolve to myself that I need to end this and I have all the right answers, but when I wake up alone I often spend the day pineing over him and then end up throwing all my rationality out the window and calling him. Each time after I see him I end up worse off then before- either asking myself 'what the heck am I doing?' or 'how can I make this work?' and I keep going back and forth. And the cycle continues.

 

So how do I stop thinking about what "could be" and stop relying on these old feelings to make me happy and start working on building myself back up after the divorce?

[EYESWIDESHUT]

It sounds like you need to just step away from the men in your life right now and focus on you and your kids. There must have been a reason that you and your old flame didn't work out in the first place, so i wouldn't waste my time on trying to make it work again. Especially with him in the situation that he is in. He won't wake up one morning with a great career, his own house, and responsiblities. If he hasn't gotten things together in 12 years, i don't think that it is going to get any better. You can't live with the what-ifs, you have to live for today and tomorrow, not yesterday. Be friends or what have you, but don't pursue the relationship any farther, it will be more trouble in the long run. You can do better than this man. Everyone changes after high school.

[CjaneRUN]

Thank you. You are totally right- it is nice to hear that finally- my problem is that my friends and family want to see my happy so badly that they will support this "instant gratification" because they think it is making me happy, when in fact it is killing me. None of them want to give me the un-sugar-coated truth for fear it will upset me and push me over the edge. But the "candy-coated" support is not helping me in the long run.