Tears - My Kryptonite

[VictorWard]

I've been in a relationship for the past 2.5 years. We have been living together since July, and we have our share of problems, but I think the biggest problem is communication.

One of our problems I recently tried to talk to her about was our lack of a sex life. I asked her about it, and she just cried and then got mad at me for making her cry. Any time I have a problem with her and I try to bring it up, it usually goes like this:

 

Me - (Brings up problem)

Her - Cries, and acts like I just shot her puppy.

Me - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's my fault.

 

The tears make me break every time. I have no power in this relationship. Does anybody have any advice for me?

 

Thank you.

[avman]

She's using her tears to manipulate you. You realize that, right? When you see her crying over something that you just wanted to discuss, you need to tell yourself "she's manipulating me". That will make the tears tug less at your heartstrings. You could simply stop the conversation at that point and say "We'll continue this when you compose yourself". Then you haven't given in and are showing her that the tears are not going to manipulate you into her side. Then when she's calmed down you can continue the discussion like mature adults.

 

Now I'm making a big assumption that you aren't getting into a fight first and that you didn't insult her or give her another reason to be crying. Take a close look at your own actions. If you haven't given her any reason to cry, then its manipulation.

[ReadyorNot]

Must be nice... if I cry over anything about the relationship my bf immediately gets angry and mean... he says if I dont stop crying he is just going to leave....

 

When I cry over anything else (hurt animals on Humane Society TV Show, or any other life issue) he is very sympathetic and thinks its cute

[Roffler]

To VictorWard: Yes, she is merely manipulating you with tears. Don't take that, take a stance. When she starts crying, don't say or do anything until she stops, thenresume where the conversation left off.

 

To ReadyorNot: You sound like the problem girl the original poster is dealing with. Maybe you re-read what VictorWard posted to avoid having your bf fall into the situation that VW is in.

[VictorWard]

She's using her tears to manipulate you. You realize that, right? When you see her crying over something that you just wanted to discuss, you need to tell yourself "she's manipulating me". That will make the tears tug less at your heartstrings.

...

Now I'm making a big assumption that you aren't getting into a fight first and that you didn't insult her or give her another reason to be crying. ...

 

I do realize that she's manipulating me. Actually, I realized it a little too late. Before we decided to move in together, she was pressuring me to get a place with her. Any time I paused to give it some thought, she would start crying and saying how I didn't love her. I broke, and now we're living together.

 

I don't bring up problems when we are already fighting, I just come out with it.

 

Thanks for the advice avman. I'm going to give it a try.

[OceanEyes]

You could simply stop the conversation at that point and say "We'll continue this when you compose yourself". Then you haven't given in and are showing her that the tears are not going to manipulate you into her side. Then when she's calmed down you can continue the discussion like mature adults.

 

This is totally right, and I agree that she is manipulating you. I think you will have to be the one who 'breaks the cycle' though, because she won't.

 

It may sound harsh, I think you might have to put your sympathy aside and look past the tears. She 'brings on the tears' because she doesn't want to deal with the issue. That being said, you are a person in your relationship and have a right to be heard.

 

Perhaps, before you get into any type of serious issue with her, reassure her that you love her and that you've just had something on your mind lately. She could be getting emotional because she is afraid that you're going to break up with her, so reassuring her that that isn't your intention might help.

[ReadyorNot]

Well.... My bf doesnt ever come to me with problems in the relationship.... so I dont feel like I am manipulating him...

 

I cry when he is not being very nice... or he calls me a name or something....

 

Ive stopped crying.... if he says something that really hurts me I turn my face and hold it in.. .I can see him looking at me searching for tears.... but I dont..

[VictorWard]

I would just like to say thanks to the people who have responded in this thread. I appreciate the advice.

Perhaps, before you get into any type of serious issue with her, reassure her that you love her and that you've just had something on your mind lately. She could be getting emotional because she is afraid that you're going to break up with her, so reassuring her that that isn't your intention might help.

The last time she brought up marriage (she's trying to manipulate me into that as well) I (for at least the 15th time) told her that we are way too young to be getting married. She thought I was breaking up with her.

As much as I hate to say this, if she continues to manipulate me in this way, I may have no other choice but to break up with her.

[ReadyorNot]

Can you tell me how she manipulates you into marriage??

 

I bring up marriage alot and I want to know if I am saying the same stuff to my bf.... if so I better change...

[Meow18]

It sounds like your girlfriend knows just what to do. Everytime you have a problem with her or something in the relationship, she turns it around to make it seem like its your fault.

 

You can't let her do this forever. You'll never get any problems fixed and things will just get worse.

 

You need to talk to her about this issue. Tell her that it bothers you when she cries everytime you want to talk about important issues and then gets mad at you for crying. Make sure she knows that its ok to cry around you, but she shouldn't be acting this way when all you want to do is talk about things. Some people just can't help crying, but that doesn't mean that it should be blamed on the other person. However, it sounds to me like she is just using it against you. She knows that she will get her way if she cries because she knows it makes you feel bad. You need to tell her that it bothers you. If she starts crying and gets mad, tell her that you have some things you want to talk about with her but want to wait until she isn't crying. That way you won't have to stay there and start to feel sorry for her.

 

Its ok to be sympathetic when she's crying over something when she is sad, but don't let it get to you when she starts crying and blames you. You know you aren't doing wrong. After the first time of not being sympathetic towards her when she crying and mad at you, she will realize that you aren't letting her push you around anymore and you will see that it will start to happen less.. hopefully. If not, then you need to consider other things, like if its worth staying with her when you can't even discuss your problems without her getting upset.

[Meow18]

Oceaneyes had a good point. If my boyfriend came to me with a problem, I would be worried that he might be thinking about breaking up with me. I think you just need to tell her that you love her a lot, but you need to get some things worked out if you want this relationship to work.

 

She goes too far with things. She shouldn't be saying that you don't really love her if you won't move in with her or marry her, especially after only 2.5 years of being together. Moving in together and marriage are really big steps in a relationship and you shouldn't

 

Like I said, I think you just need to talk to her about this. If you have a problem, you should be able to talk about it without it turning into a huge argument, or her crying and getting mad at you. Just keep reminding yourself that she is only trying to make you feel sorry for her.

 

If the problem does continue, even after doing the things we have suggested, then I think it would be safe to assume that this is how its going to be with her. And then you need to decide if you can handle it.

[SkyFire]

She's using her tears to manipulate you.

 

Correct. Do not say "it's my fault". Do not take the blame.

 

You can talk to her about it. Face to face.

 

If I was in your place, I would end it, because there are far better people out there that will not do this.

 

Good luck.

[VictorWard]

Can you tell me how she manipulates you into marriage??

There are a few ways she does this. One way is by asking me about the future and then getting upset when the first thing out of my mouth isn't marriage. She does this at least once a week, more often if it's her 'time of the month'.

 

She goes too far with things. She shouldn't be saying that you don't really love her if you won't move in with her or marry her, especially after only 2.5 years of being together. Moving in together and marriage are really big steps in a relationship and you shouldn't

I've tried to explain to her many times that moving in together was a huge decision and a huge step in the relationship. She doesn't see it that way, she thinks it was the next logical step.

 

 

If the problem does continue, even after doing the things we have suggested, then I think it would be safe to assume that this is how its going to be with her. And then you need to decide if you can handle it.

If I was in your place, I would end it, because there are far better people out there that will not do this.

 

I'm not going to end this relationship without trying to work out our problems first. Besides, that we have moved in together, ending things isn't as easy as just breaking up. We signed a one year lease on our place and I have loaned her money. She's still in school until the spring, so she's not going to be able to pay me back any time soon.l

[RayKay]

Well the other posters have all had great advice.

 

Is she much younger than you? It sounds like she has some communication issues, or is not aware that you have to deal with problems maturely in order to solve them - crying is clearly not solving them. Do you know what sort of household she grew up in? I only ask as I know people who never saw their parents fight in front of them and everytime they fought with their partners they thought it meant they were breaking up!

 

I think it is okay to cry at times, but not when that is your only method of "communication" or it is used to manipulate the situation and gain sympathy and get your way. You need to walk away when she does that after saying you will talk after she has cried as other posters suggested. Explain to her that her talking about problems is NOT a bad thing...if you don't they will only grow and breed resentment. Part of building a relationship and making it stronger is working through these things.

 

And don't let her manipulate you into marriage...if you are not ready you are not ready, and it does not sound like she is either even if she thinks she is. You will only resent it if you do give in to that...you need to want it to

 

If she does not change this though, I am afraid it might not change for a long time, and you may want to reconsider your desire to be in this relationship...there are many women who won't manipulate this way and are effective communicators. It is of course up to you though, follow your heart and your gut too.

[VictorWard]

Is she much younger than you? It sounds like she has some communication issues, or is not aware that you have to deal with problems maturely in order to solve them - crying is clearly not solving them. Do you know what sort of household she grew up in?

Thanks for the post RayKay.

She is almost 3 years younger than me. As for the kind of household she grew up in, it's not a happy story.

She never knew her real dad, and she doesn't like her 'dad'. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse in her family. I think the problem is that she has abandonment issues with men from her childhood.

So I think she's doing whatever she can to make sure I don't leave her as well. I don't know if she realizes it, and I'm afraid to bring up that idea to her.

[RayKay]

Is she much younger than you? It sounds like she has some communication issues, or is not aware that you have to deal with problems maturely in order to solve them - crying is clearly not solving them. Do you know what sort of household she grew up in?

Thanks for the post RayKay.

She is almost 3 years younger than me. As for the kind of household she grew up in, it's not a happy story.

She never knew her real dad, and she doesn't like her 'dad'. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse in her family. I think the problem is that she has abandonment issues with men from her childhood.

So I think she's doing whatever she can to make sure I don't leave her as well. I don't know if she realizes it, and I'm afraid to bring up that idea to her.

 

I think you might be very accurate in that judgement. I too had my father leave at a young age and basically we only talk once a year...I know for a long time I did have insecurities when it came to men in my life...fears of abandonment, and not really having that strong role model growing up.

 

It went away with time and maturity and a conscious knowledge that I knew it was going on.

 

I think you need to let her know that fighting does not mean seperation, and the best way to do this is by your actions...before you bring up an issue give her a big hug, kiss, make her a nice dinner...all things that show you want to be with her but need to talk.

[OceanEyes]

The important question is, and something you haven't mentioned, is whether you do see a future with this girl. I can completely understand that you still feel too young to enter into a comittment as serious and significant as marriage, but if you don't actually see a long-term future with her (because of her behaviour), then now is probably a good time to do some thinking.

 

Some women tend to think that marriage will "secure" them in life, and will mean that you are hers forever (which most of us would agree is totally inaccurate). However, if she's already pushing marriage, then she may actually be scared that you're going to give her "the boot" at some point. For her, the idea of marriage (and your willingness to discuss it with her) would probably put some of her fears of abandonment to rest (temporarily of course - psychological issues like this have a tendency of coming back over and over again). However, it doesn't seem like you are moving at the same pace as she is, which is okay - it's good that you are not just saying, "okay" and giving her false hopes. After all, you're 22 years old, and she's 19!

 

IF her crying and general over-reactions are related to a fear of abandonment, then I'm afraid to tell you that this may not be easy to solve. There's a good chance, if this is the case, that your girlfriend will always have this fear - no matter how much you reassure her. After time - and a lot of effort on your part, effort you may not even have the emotional energy to give to the relationship - she may actually grow enough to trust that you're not going to leave her.

 

I honestly think that she may be in need of therapy. The way that she reacts to everything so emotionally may not be a conscious manipulation, but a very deeply hidden fear of being left on her butt by yet another man she's trusted. This probably isn't easy for her either, but I think it would be wise for you to decide whether or not you're up to sticking by her through what may be to come.

[VictorWard]

The important question is, and something you haven't mentioned, is whether you do see a future with this girl. I can completely understand that you still feel too young to enter into a comittment as serious and significant as marriage, but if you don't actually see a long-term future with her (because of her behaviour), then now is probably a good time to do some thinking.

That's a difficult question. I do love her, and I do think that we could spend our lives together. My problem is that I had limited dating experience before I met her, and I want to see what else is out there. I'm afraid that if I don't go and see what's out there soon, then I'll end up regretting it when I'm older. On the other hand, I'm afraid that I won't find somebody as good as her. In short, I'm afraid.

I honestly think that she may be in need of therapy. The way that she reacts to everything so emotionally may not be a conscious manipulation, but a very deeply hidden fear of being left on her butt by yet another man she's trusted. This probably isn't easy for her either, but I think it would be wise for you to decide whether or not you're up to sticking by her through what may be to come.

I don't think I would ever be able to bring up that possibility to her. How do you tell a person you love that they might be in need of therapy?

[OceanEyes]

How do you tell a person you love that they might be in need of therapy?

 

I could, very easily if every time I needed to talk to my boyfriend about something, he started bawling. I think that as long as you suggest it in a loving, concerned, and very accepting way, that she should at least consider it. If you suggest it in a menacing way and like you're saying, "my god woman, you're DRIVING ME CRAZY!" sort of way, she might feel pretty low and rejected. It's about how you say it to her that will make all the difference. But I do see your point, it's never easy to tell someone that their behaviour seems very unusual and disturbing, and extreme enough to have to talk to a therapist.

 

If you still feel the 'desire' to get out there and be single again, and it's a strong enough desire that you find yourself thinking about it all the time, then it's probably something that you should explore. Otherwise, you could end up a 40 year old man who has many regrets. I know what you're saying though, "what if I never meet another girl who was as incredible as my ex?", but that is definitely the chance you would be taking. What's more important to you: staying with your current girlfriend and having security, even though you have to deal with severe bouts of emotion? Or taking a chance being single, putting yourself back out there and seeing where you end up?

[tea]

I have a question... what about, some people are just very tearful...

 

 

*worried*

 

I know I cry all the time.. when the two of us are fighting, when we're not fighting, when we're about to go sleep, in the middle of sleeping.. =/ I just cry a lot and I don't know how to stop. It always scares myself when I cry too. Sometimes I also get on these crying spells and I know my boyfriend always thinks he's the person making me cry when in fact he just makes me more sentimental and when I let my guards down around people I cry. =X

 

I don't mean to cry when we're having an argument and I always tell him it's not his fault I just can't stop. I don't cry all the time... just a lot... I'm mostly happy around him. =X

 

Is that still awful? or am I exempted from being thought of as needing therapy or is manipulative.

 

 

 

With you, I think if you want to explore the population, it's better to do it now than later right? You shouldn't let someone push you into marriage. Marriage is something everyone has to prepare themselves for.

[VictorWard]

If you still feel the 'desire' to get out there and be single again, and it's a strong enough desire that you find yourself thinking about it all the time, then it's probably something that you should explore. Otherwise, you could end up a 40 year old man who has many regrets.

I think if you want to explore the population, it's better to do it now than later right?

I do think about it a lot, but since we are living together, it's not going to be easy. We still have over 6 months on our lease, and she owes me money. I think I'm just going to try to make things work and see what happens in the spring. She finishes school then, and will have to find a job. But to be brutally honest, I think that my desire to be with other people is just going to get stronger.

 

 

I know I cry all the time.. when the two of us are fighting, when we're not fighting, when we're about to go sleep, in the middle of sleeping.. =/ I just cry a lot and I don't know how to stop.

Is there anything in particular that you're thinking about when you cry?

[tea]

If your desire to be with other people will be stronger, it's probably time to start wrapping things up... getting your money back and propose on not living together anymore after lease ends, etc.

 

 

No, I don't think about anything in particular actually. ^_^ I just get depressed and I cry and then I spend the whole time thinking, "Oh, my goodness, why am I crying? I can't stop? Someone help me!" I get over them though, then I'm normal again.. sorta. =S They usually only last like.. 1 hour. >_>; up to 15 hours though.

[VictorWard]

If your desire to be with other people will be stronger, it's probably time to start wrapping things up... getting your money back and propose on not living together anymore after lease ends, etc.

 

I wouldn't be able to get my money back right now because she's still in school. Also, it's a lot of money, so I can't just forget about it.

More importantly, the thought of breaking up with her makes me sick to my stomach. I remember when my first love broke up with me, I was depressed for months (by the way, I'm her first love).

 

When you feel depressed, do you feel happy afterwards, or is it just varying degrees of depression?

[tea]

I'd have to say I'm mostly just content. I used to be in long sessions of depression, I don't know if I got over those or if I'm just used to it It's not a big deal though. I'm pretty used to it.

 

I'm mostly content with what I have... I can't say I'm happy, but it's hard to get me very excited and happy about things.

 

Hmm... after my crying spells... *thinks* depends. Sometimes I'm just less depressed other times I jump back to the content level. In any case it's something I can sleep off most of the time.

 

If that's your girlfriend's case, would you still find it annoying?

[VictorWard]

I'd have to say I'm mostly just content. I used to be in long sessions of depression, I don't know if I got over those or if I'm just used to it It's not a big deal though. I'm pretty used to it.

...

If that's your girlfriend's case, would you still find it annoying?

Actually, the depression part describes me. Ever since I was a teenager, I haven't been happy. These days, I'm doing better than when I was in my teens, but I still wouldn't say that I'm happy. Maybe I just got used to it. I thought that moving in with my girlfriend would make me happy, but it didn't work.