Time limits....

[Vampiremoon9]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years and living together for 3 of them broke up then got back together only after a few weeks. We agreed to give it another try. Now some things in our relationship are still the same and others have taken on a new light. But I was dead set on moving out in May and Im still not sure about how this "getting back together time" is going to fly. A part of me says that by the time our lease agreement comes up and I can bust out of here and move out we will have devoted 6mo to our "giving it another shot" and that should be more than enough to know if you really love someone enough to marry them. Im tired of being just the "girlfriend" I want the title of "wife" but would I be pushing him and possibly making him act in a way that would not be true if I said to him in May that I either want marriage or Im leaving. Or maybe a suttle approach would be best and should I hint to the fact by suggesting it like when he asks me what do you want for christmas or like on valentines day. Im mentally preparing myself to accept the fact that he may not be interested in pursueing marriage. But how do I steer him to that big question and yet make it seem like it was his idea all along.

[Switch187]

You could always drop hints like "I always saw myself married at X age" and see how he takes it. My g/f always does that to me, she'll say that she "always saw myself being married when I'm at least 27" which is still a few years away from now, but she's letting me know that by that time I should be coughing up a ring or she will be questioning our relationship (doesn't mean she'll leave, but she just really wants to get married to me). I usually just laugh or sometimes just say "let's go to Vegas" (but she'll get excited and really want to go sometimes), and tell her that I do want to marry her, I just want things to be perfect (I've dreamed of having a special wedding, which is the same "style" as what she's dreamed about since she was younger). You can drop these kind of hints, but since you two are just starting to "work things out" it may be a bit forceful or confusing to him. You could even mention a "beautiful diamond ring" that you saw in a store, and see if he starts to think about buying for a Christmas gift, or even see if he is really concerned with the idea at all. I really don't know what else to say, you know what you want and you know what you want to do if you don't get it, so the only thing I could say is try dropping some hints, or if need be tell him that you've put 8 years into a relationship that isn't really going anywhere, and you don't want to put in another year if it's going to stay the same. Hope things work out for you two, and hope that everything else works as well.

[RayKay]

Well, I think that after 8 years he should know (I recommend the book "He's Just Not That Into You" for a lighthearted but very direct approach to men like your bf who can't seem to bring up the big M).

 

I think if nothing changes, you should stick to moving out and moving on.

 

But in the meantime, I think the best way to see his ideas about marrying you and the best chance of getting him to ask since I presume you have already talked of it many times before is to start acting totally disinterested in the idea. Start making plans for your future that don't include him (ie book yourself a solo vacation, look into a new job that may mean moving). Don't tell him you want to marry him or him to come, don't drool over bridal magazines or talk about your newly engaged friends and how happy they are. If he does not bring up the idea of marriage in the next few months after 8 years of being together....you have your answer. And I think in that case if marriage is important to you, you should move on.

[sweetharmony]

I agree with Raykay. You need to start making plans without him. I would let him know firmly that I want to get married and that after 8 years he should know. Tell him that you ahve plans in your life and that marriage was part of those plans and that if he wants to join you, he's more than welcome, but if not, then you are planning to move forward in your life solo. Don't give him an ultimatum- it's a choice. do't settle your life any longer for this man. you are certainly not being unreasonable at all. 8 years is way long enough. and stick to your word if he doesn't follow. if he's still scared after 8 years, how much longer is it going to take? how long does he need- 20years?