selfsabotage Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Not being able to let go, to give space. Im 28 and never hounded an ex after a breakup but the one that mattered the most I pushed too far away. I knew to stop, to go no contact but couldnt give in to impulse. Id liked to ave lived life without ever becoming a needy creep but I failed that now. It'd help to know Im not the only fool who lost all welf controll Link to comment
december vu Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 I know what have you been through and i'm just the same. The BU is just 2 months ago,and i'm still hurt very much to think about it. I can't even initiate the NC yet. (just LC) But, yeah, i think you should give him space before you push him too far....and should not contact him when you feel you are moody and can control yourself, cause it won't help. (for me is especially the week before my period when i'm so emotional and too easy to cry...) Link to comment
irishapple Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 My ex tried after six months but I said no that we could be friends but nothing more. You should give him space and let him approach you... Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Misunderstanding here, I pushed her to far, its already done, to late, ive always been able to let go with grace and keep my self respect, not with this one girl tho. I just wanted to know I wasnt alone in finding it so hard to detach, given experience this one time tho I would advise no contact, it seems I helped her through the hardship of the loss but when I needed her she already healed and no longer needed me. I cant deny the fact ive acted crazy, therefore thats who I must be even if it was once in 28 years its obviously there. ........in me........ Link to comment
LiLi1126 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 I could of wrote this post myself! I 100% understand what you're going through....I'm 4 months post BU and I'm still calling and texting my ex all the time...(hangs head in shame) In the beginning I asked numerous times if we'd get a second chance... Throughout the relationship I was doing so well....once he broke up with me I became "that girl" as I like to call her..."needy girl" not attractive at all...and I've apologized to him for my behavior (never did anything crazy...just alot of calling/texting trying to get us back together) the weird thing is...he will flat out tell me he needs time and space and wants to miss me...(yeah, I don't get that...he's not dating anyone else, but did end things because he's used to being alone, doing his own thing and just moved out of his parents house, and didn't want to have to answer to anyone, etc) but yet we've hung out the past 5 weekends in a row....so maybe in time things will turn around for you? Selfsabotage, what do you consider crazy behavior? I'm with you, usually I can have self respect and walk away...but not this time but sometimes I think we make our behavior out to be worse then what it is... Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 believe me my behaviour is worse, maybe given her past experience has made it harder but ur ex never changed his number because of u, granted I sent her one msg every four days and had one day of a drunken stupor in which I called atleast 5 times with no answer, ive been ignored for months now I let my self respect and pride fly out the window, I could and would never lower myself to this shame but this one girl there is nothing I wouldnt do, its irreparable and hard from which to recover, obsession comes to mind but the feeling of absolute disgust on knowing you tried to hard for what u wanted seems to overpower Link to comment
princessxo Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 It has happened to me as well...My ex would break up with me and I would get extremely anxious, telling him to reconsider. This BU I also had similar feelings come up. And don’t get me wrong I did contact my ex a few times (it’s been 3 weeks post break up) however, now when that feeling comes on, I face it head on I quickly stop and remember the trauma I am placing on my own self-esteem, ego and respect. You all don’t realize but when you behave like this you are damaging yourself the most. My ex and I have broken up more than once and in the beginning I would call him cry and be so angry with him. But the minute I stopped attending to his ego boost, I would get the response I wanted from him. And I saw it made me stronger as a person, I was in control of the situation. Needless to say, we both would get back and have the same issues. One thing I have learned through my long term relationship, you cannot force someone to do anything they don’t want to do, so why risk your own self-respect to try. If they choose to leave you, convince yourself it is what it is and live each day for what it is! Now that you "pushed her away" just let her be where she is. Don’t pursue someone who has no interest in being pursued. It will be difficult trust me I know. Take this time to evaluate; I am doing the exact same thing. The same feelings I have been working to control re-emerged within me so I am taking my own advice at this point. I have contacted him because I was upset or I had a weak moment over take me. Each time I did contact him the post contact feelings were awful! I reflected on my feelings: I was left crying, empty, my heart hurt MORE than before and most importantly, my recover relapsed, I went back to day one. So I decided enough is enough, I told myself (and still do) “he does not want to hear from me so be it why should I beg for him? From hence forward I will not be the one to get a hold of him. God knows he was not perfect and its time I move on to find someone who will appreciate me for what I have to offer.” I decided to place his stuff in the back of my closet, block his number and social networks and took each day for what it was/is. I am taking the initiative to change my thought process. I instilled in my brain that I will not go back crawling to someone who can’t even turn back to look at me. Though it’s been 3 weeks and I have moments when my thoughts are killing me my heart is hurting to contact him but I don’t and I won’t. I distract myself. Make note of when you feel the most sad/vulnerable/tempted and during that particular time be occupied. For me, it is usually in the mornings and after work so I force myself to be with my family or work in the morning and friends right after work (at least for the next couple of weeks). Lean on your support team, they will always be there for you no matter what. Read self-help books, got to the gym, go out with friends, eat right… do anything you can. The more you reflect the more clarity you will receive. If you still want to get her back or if you want to move on either way go complete and udder NC. It is NOT impossible. Give her space; don’t put up anything on any social network about her or relating to your feelings. Nothing! No songs, no status, no pictures, no nothing! Be composed and conservative regardless of what you see or hear. Go out with your friends and family and act as if you are now OK to move on (even though deep down you maybe in turmoil). And if she approaches you to see how you are act at peace, at ease with yourself and hopefully it’s not an act at that point. The minute an ex that’s been dumped starts to gravel and get sad and even beg to not break up it feeds the other persons ego x 1000. It’s sad but its fact, she is not pushed away by you coming back to her and acting ‘needy’, she just feels inflated and knows the ball is in her court. TAKE YOUR BALL BACK lol! Don’t feed into what she needs again your helping her heal more than yourself. It’s time to be selfish! I typed this for not only you but for anyone in similar situations, myself included. I also plan on following my own advice and try to heal. Good luck : ) Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Thankyou princess, it helps alot but I know no matter how much time passes, no matter how much I move on she just wont care about me, but I did forget to care about myself, thankyou! Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Yep, been there and done that. Link to comment
princessxo Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 so ask yourself what can i do actively to start feeling better? You seem negative, trust me people have their heart broken and get back up so can you. Think happy thoughts. life does not revolve around her unless u make it. Why did u both BU?? Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 I am, was an idiot, to much a fear of losing her that I brought it about. I lie essentially that turned inro much more because I was afraid of hurting her feelings and telling her that her insecurity and inability to trust me led to me feeling I had to lie, I took all the weight, I still love her even tho she hates me Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Yep, been there and done that. Awesome......you is.........appreciated Link to comment
LiLi1126 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 I agree with Princess...take the ball back...I myself am trying to do this as well...I find the more I call him, chase him the more he wants away and the more aggrevated he gets...but if I just step back a bit he comes forward a bit...I just don't give him the chance (he has even said that numerous times) because I get so anxious that he will leave my life for good that I try to hold on so tightly (which isn't good) my story may be a little different since we're still hanging out as friends (which is a whole nother level of difficulty LOL) ...as I'm 4 months post BU and I'm just now trying to not contact him and let him contact me....it's very hard!! Link to comment
princessxo Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 LiLi i advise you to NOT be "friends" 4 months after a break up. There is no friendship at the point. You are simply in hopes of getting back and you have to help yourself. The only way you can get someone to miss you is if you actually leave them alone. From what i have learned in the past. The more you wait on them the more hopeless and disapointed you will be. WHY set yourself up for more negativity. Just preare for the wrst. If i were you i would tell him that this friendship thing is not working, you thought it through and please leave me alone. And actually be left alone, hope he respects your decision as this will be good for you in the long run. Thus getting your ball back. Link to comment
LiLi1126 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Princess do you think it's possible for him to miss me after 4 months of this "friendship" if I just dissappear/leave him alone (obviously no one knows what he is thinking...I'm just asking your thoughts...LOL) Link to comment
sare110 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Hi LiLI this is princessxo... i had a little bit of weird experience with ENA. I had to reactivate this accnt but here is my response to you Let me give you an example my ex and i were together for as long as i can remember lol. We had a very roller coaster relationship as we were young and intense with every emotion. We love each other a lot but we got into more and more fights. We would break it off and get back time and time again (HUGE mistake on both our parts). But I learned from each break up. I truly feel each one made me stronger and wiser (as silly as it sounds). But like I stated before, it is very difficult for me to cut ties all together, call me weak or foolish. I always found my way feeling unhappy and would contact him. I started to slowly realize that people dont enjoy the begging and pleading and crying... even we are selves would find it ridiculous if we placed ourselves out of the situation. Nor do they like the desperate look. This most recent BU (final one too), I did contact him and I instantly regretted it! I have learned several times that contacting an ex post break up is asking for more heart ache bc you give them the right to hurt your heart again either directly or indirectly. Now you have made it 4 months, but he has the privilege of having you as a “friend”. So basically the right you are giving him is, “hey you can text, call, see and maybe even have sex with me whenever you want”? As long as YOU message me first I will be happy. Because truth be told that’s what it is when you say I will wait on him to contact me (contact you as a friend you mean not to reconcile). Reread what that sentence again and again. It sounds HORRIBLE. Why would you want to downgrade to friendship knowing your feelings are more? It won’t happen! You need to tell him firstly that you guys are not friends, nor can you be anytime soon and then say goodbye and actually mean it. Do what you have to do and take the time to change what you feel you did wrong. And this is not a game it should be in your mind a way to escape from him and any mental angst from the relationship. Maybe, dare I say, HEAL from it and find someone else. Use no contact to place yourself above everything... Once you stop being so readily available and “friendly”, once you start to stand your ground he will miss you, not as a friend but as his girlfriend. People miss things when they know that they cannot be attained easily. When he knows you don’t want to speak to him anymore it will hit him, right now he basically has his cake and is eating it too. Don’t let him have a win/win situation. Frankly the NC method, regardless of what your initial motive is, the end results are pleasing and helpful to you (be it making up or healing). Link to comment
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