Guys: How do you react to your woman getting male attention?

[OceanEyes]

I posted this in "relationship conflicts", because I feel that it has become one. Any male points-of-view are welcome, but of course, women can probably shed some light also!

 

Now guys. When you are out somewhere with your girlfriend, does she get a lot of male attention (checking out, staring, etc.)? If so, how do you react, especially if it happens often? Have you ever gotten frustrated or offended that other men can't see that she's with you?

 

Past relationships/ experience also apply!

[OceanEyes]

I keep getting tangled up with girls that have lots of guy friends agg.

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

How about when the guys are just strangers, say, in the grocery store or when you go shopping? I'm not really talking about male friends, but more strangers.

[sonjam]

There is indeed 2 sides to every story!.

 

I have had a few BF's and when dating, I used to get alot of attention when going to pubs and clubs. Some bF's thought this was complementary, since they were with me, and it was nice to be validated that other guys thought their GF was cute too.

 

Others got downright jealous, and would try and start barfights, becouse they were looking.

 

I guess it all depends on the security of the guy. If they are not insecure, they don't seem to mind, but the other is also true.

 

Also, Im not a flirty kind of girl, so my BF's knew even though I get attention, I WOULD NEVER act on it, or flirt back. That could make a huge difference on the outcome.

[Tom_Bombadil]

I'll usually just take it as a compliment to my girlfriend when that happens. She's an attractive woman, so of course she's going to turn a few heads.

 

I pretty much do the same thing that ECarl does. Saturday night we went clubbing and a few guys were checking her out. I just held her hand or put my arm around her as to say "She's with me."

 

Guys who try to pick fights with others are overpossessive and insecure. There's no real harm in glancing at a woman who is taken just so long as you're not being disrespectful and oogling at her.

[Switch187]

In my past relationships this used to be a big problem. Whenever me and a ex went out it usually ended in a fight between me and a stranger, or me and her. Most of the relationships I had ended with a girl cheating on me, so this made me a bit insecure about later relationships. But with my current g/f I don't seem to care anymore. When we go out and guys start checking her out, I used to get a bit offended, but then I realized that it shouldn't matter since I knew my g/f only cared about me, and only wanted to be with me. We have been of the flip side though too. Sometimes girls will check me out, and she would get jealous and stuff at first, but now she doesn't care becasue she knows that I only want to be with her. Plus we both look at it as we are so lucky too have each other, that everyone else in the room wishes they have what we have. I guess it's a bit arrogant, but it's better than constatntly thinking that something "bad" will happen.

 

Getting offended or frustrated with this situation is usually a sign of insecurity in yourself and/or in your relationship, and that goes for both sexes.

[jbutterfly2020]

You can not control how others act. If guys are checking out your girlfriend, then so what. As long as she isn't getting their numbers or giving hers, you should not be worried. When you guys go out, just enjoy yourself and the time with your girlfriend.

[arwen]

I think it depends on the confidence/self-esteem of the guy. They can get jealous (which can be cute but annoying if too much), or they take it as a compliment. My ex took it as a compliment. My current bf claims he is not jealous, but my experience is that he is a bit jealous. I think because we are long distance and it took some time before we were both confortable with that.

 

Is your man jealous of the attention?

 

Ilse.

[OceanEyes]

He's become somewhat agitated in the past. Not all the time generally, but 3-4 times he's actually said something, either under his breath or out loud.

 

He claims that he isn't jealous, but that he thinks other guys are "idiots" because they can't see that I'm with him.

 

About a week ago we were watching a bit of a Sex and the City episode, and Miranda was out on a date with a detective. They were in a restaurant, and all of the women there had their eye on him. I didn't think much of it, but he says, "that's how I feel when we go somewhere, it gets annoying".

 

Sometimes it's a bit worrying. I've always thought that guys couldn't care less about that kind of thing.

[CarterJonas]

Myself, I haven't got a problem with it, as long as my girlfriend wouldn't be eying them up in return!

 

This post reminded me of a problem I had with my current ex., albeit some five years back. She also accused other girls/women of giving me the eye and she would also sometimes accuse myself of giving them the come on!, which was totally untrue. I think it is down to the self esteem/confidence of that person. She grew out of it after about six months though.

[Cecelius]

I separate things into two matters:

 

1) Attention from the men. Certainly cannot control that and its best not to have any reaction at all. Sometimes even befriending the guy and encouraging him to take his best shot can be funny.

 

2) G/f's reation to the men's attention: She doesn't have to be rude (if she can ignore them, fine, if not okay too) but if your g/f gives them much attention back, I usually tend to have the same reaction: none. In my experience, its moderately justified in most cases to believe that a g/f, while not up to anything strictly incorrect, is either interested in an ego boost or trying to make you jealous (for the same reasons). The best way to shut a test down is simply not to participate in it.

 

If its disrespectul, then that's a different story

[OceanEyes]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I don't ignore it or acknowledge it: most of the time I don't even notice, but he does.

 

I think it really boils down to insecurity, both with himself and with the relationship (which scares me a bit).

[Cecelius]

I disagree with boiling it down to that, unless you are only focused on his personal reaction, but I tend to agree.

 

To the man, it is a 3 party issue (what is the other guy doing and what is your girl doing).

 

The man's sense is this: regardless of his reaction or feelings, there is an appropriate way that his girl should act (in his mind it is a question of right and wrong). The details of her actions are open to argument, of course (most men will assume they are a bastion of self-confidence and will, if feeling insecure, try to make the facts of what she does justify how he feels [meaning, he's feeling insecure so he tries to legitimize that by saying she did bad things.]).

 

In my experience, a lot of people (men and women) in a relationship who are getting hit on will take this view: "I enjoy the attention but am considerate of my b/f's feelings so I will only go as far as I care to (to get the benefit of the ego boost from the attention) until it affects my b/f's feelings."

 

Thus, people get trapped in arguments about insecurity vs. shady conduct (one side will tend to assert that the other is overreacting to an innocent flirtation and that they are too insecure, etc.)

 

Most men would argue that their feelings are not relevant. There is appropriate and there is inappropriate action. So long as your girl is acting appropriately (and this is sometimes an affirmative act -- sometimes you need to tell the guy to go away), if you are jealous internally, that's your own issue to deal with.

 

The reason for this crucial difference is that all humans will tend to do more if they can get away with it. Most people acknowledge that a flirtation goes farther if the significant other isn't there ("what he/she doesn't know won't hurt them"). An SO's feelings cant really get hurt if they are not there to see the flirtation. Most people would prefer that boundries exist on conduct based on objective right and wrong if possible.

 

What you want to know is if your SO has integrity -- appropriate is appropriate regardless of feelings or whether you can get hurt by an action or not.

 

The details are messy, but I think the end result for any man is to be essentially unflappable on what happens to your girl (she's a girl and she's going to get hit on a LOT more than you are), to pay a rational amount of attention to her actions and if they are out of bounds (based on your own objective views) you factor it in and either tell her she was out of bounds (coolly) or you just break up with her.

 

I think this analysis works for both sexes except (1) women are more likely to be overtly approached than men and (2) overt displays of jealousy and emotion are less tolerated coming from men than women.

[OceanEyes]

Very forensic Cecelius, thanks for your reply!

 

My point is that I just don't react. At all. I don't even notice it in the first place to be honest. When I see a girl checking out my boyfriend, I tend to be somewhat jealous, but it's more flattering. I never get angry. I guess you could say that it's one of those "fuzzy" jealous feelings and is pretty harmless.

 

He becomes angry at the guy(s) giving the attention, not at me. And sometimes afterwards he withdraws and seems very irritated (which is where it affects me).

[kalshane]

Since I've had that experience many times, I'm kinda used to it. Normally, I don't care if she gets male attention, as long as it's "hands off", you know what I mean? I expect and enjoy that my lady gets attention, it happens to me, so why not with her? As long as it is discreet and respectful. NOW-- I won't hesitate to get physical with someone who touches her disrespectfully, or invades her space in any way! If it's a lewd comment, I'll just make one back so they can hear it!

[ComputerGuy]

I got no problem with this at all...my problem occurs if a guy starts grabbing/touching stuff like that...there is a line between fine and not fine. I dont care if my g/f hugs a guy or whatever...but if the guy grabs my g/f's butt or something like that, he's in a bit of serious trouble (and not just from me Id imagine