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44/29 and the Passion and the Wanting


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This might read like a long poem......

 

Hello. Well, here it is: I have had an older male friend for five years now. He came into my life when I was 23 and he was 39, and at that time, I did not see any potential for romance, although he did. We maintained a friendship over the next several years, but it wasn't until he moved to a town 10 miles from me that we became very close.

 

We began spending a lot of time together, and last April on a sort of practical trip to move some of his storage from Colorado to California, I realised something: I realised that I loved him. One night in my hotel room, he came over to help ease one of my anxiety attacks (I have them every now and then) When he embraced me, he dissolved into this sighing, warm thing, murmuring "With you I rest but I don't rest, I seek but I don't seek" I was filled with a new sense of tenderness and curiosity.........

 

Was it the way he looked on the train, taking my hands and saying "Little girl hands" or the simmering, weighty looks he gave as I danced in the back of my store........or a full year later as we were standing on the beach when he turned to me and asked, "What do you feel?" He watched me as I told him "Healed" I said the ocean never judges you.......and he said "I do not judge you" Then flung his arms around me and gripped me so tightly as he kissed me over and over. Like an ink pouring into me.....his passion and giving-up of what the night and the sea asks of two human creatures....

 

Was it all these things, a collection of thoughts and actions and hidden grace that made me understand I loved him? I had always thought our age difference was too great, but now it did not seem to matter. This man was so alive, deep and intense. He knew my words, my soul, my whole being, everything that I feel, I want, I need.....When he kissed me, he trembled, and was filled with this astonished ecstasy that brought me into a spiritual plane of love, wanting and connection....

 

He knew my words...needed them, wanted them. And he spoke like a character out of an English novel.....Oh, how I feel for him, feel so oddly, violently in love with him......

 

But there is one thing...one thing that darkens this powerful feeling, and that is his need for stability, his belief that romance destroys his safe world of routine and isolation. His personality demands a lot of time alone, to the point of separation from all of life, and there I am, standing outside of his castle, calling out "Do you need me yet???"

 

He tells me he likes to be in control of himself....and that he is fine with just being friends, in fact, probably is better that way, he says. But when he says these things, my whole spirit sinks, drifts away, and wails out in lonely sorrow.

 

Once he used to gaze upon me with quiet longing and wonder, and now he turns away from me. Does he not recall how he once rushed to me and held onto my so tightly, sighing and sighing, laughing an overjoyed, suspended-disbelief laugh when I kissed him?

 

I do no tknow if I will ever encounter a soul so passionate, so consuming...I don't know how to talk to him as "just friends" Oh why, why cannot he need me? why does he turn me away? I know for the first few years I did not accept his advances, but now I can. Now I will. And now I am kept away.

 

He wants to still keep a friendship, but how can I ignore my heart's calling that I want his passion, his closeness..I want to be allowed to revel in his being, to store away romantic thoughts and not feel sad about it, only inspired and hopeful. But how can I when he is holding out his hand in warning "No...no further"

 

I just need to know that I can somehow get through this strange tearing away of a soul that is more real that anything else here...How can I get up and stumble through a monotonous day..where I am only seen for what I do, not what I am...what I am inside, profoundly needing and feelinga nd thinking....Is there anyone else in this aching, endless world that can understand me as he did? And why would he opt for aloneness if it means I am gone away? Did I do something wrong when I returned affection?

 

Portals of romance can never be closed.....friendship is not where you return to when you have drifted through the archway of human love and passion.....

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Wow, I have to say that your story was very passionate and moved me! I'm not sure why your friend is now denying your passion and romance. Some people are attracted to and want those they feel are out of reach. Then when they can have them, they are no longer a challenge, and thus, these people become uninterested and distance themselves. I don't get it myself, but it sounds like that's what your friend is doing.

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Your story moved me, and you are very passionate about how you feel about him. I myself being with an older man, can respect the fact that when he looks at me, its like he can see right to my soul, kiss it and then melt into my body. Truly I thought there would never be words for how I felt, but you've compiled them so perfectly, I now know that this language CAN comprehend the human emotion.

 

About your situation... He seems to be a loving, passionate person too.. Reach out to him and ask him directly.. Especially after knowing him for 5 years... Be honest with your feelings, and speak your mind.

 

I truly believe you have found your soulmate-- for you to understand how much someone loves you.. therein lies the blessing..

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