What Should I Do??? Help!

[PrincessLinzay]

My ex and I broke up about 2 1/2 months ago. I had changed my number and we didn't talk for 1 1/2 months of this time. When we did finally talk, he told me how much he had missed me, couldn't believe that I had changed my number, had been contemplating coming to my work to talk to me.....

 

At first I kept things pretty level. I talked to him on the phone, we hung out occasionally (we did have sex). But I was also interested in someone else, so I was pursuing that. I ended up finding out that the other guy I was interested in was also interested in me, but I was still having feelings for the ex also. Despite his missing me and blah blah blah, he says that right now he can't be in a relationship because he has too much going on (with regards to his family, both parents and a sister are sick, he's fighting for visitation with his kids, etc).

 

In a nutshell, the ex wants all the benefits of being in a relationship with none of the responsibility. He wants someone to be there for him, be faithful, loving, and all that other stuff, but not have to be considered a boyfriend and have those same expectations.

 

Im so torn about what to do. I tried to pretty much sever contact last night but it's hard because even if we aren't together, I still care about him and whats going on in his life. I don't really know what to do at this point. I still want to pursue something with the other guy, but I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I start anything with someone else, the ex would be devastated. I just think I have a better chance at something healthy with this other guy, who is very stable, smart, funny.....

 

I still love the ex, but I don't want to wait for him to get his s@#! together (we were together for 2 years). I want to be happy too. Advice anyone? Should I just distance myself from something unhealthy and go for something new that could potentially be very healthy? This is so hard!!!

[lady00]

I think you already know the answer to this...since you describe the relationship with your ex as "unhealthy." Often times, we still have feelings for an ex that is not a good match for us and these feelings can be confusing. The thing to avoid is jumping into a new relationship. My advice is to consider stopping the contact with your ex until he sorts himself out. But you shouldn't feel obligated to wait for him...live your life, get to know this new guy and see where that goes. If your ex is the one for you, he will deal with the things he needs to and come back into your life...but I think you should consider dating other people rather than waiting around for something that might never happen.

[PrincessLinzay]

You're probably right. I love the ex, but I don't even know anymore whether Im "in love" with him or just love the person he is and the familiarity. I don't know how to be his friend because we've always been together, and when we're around each other it's just like it used to be. I don't want to cut him out of my life completely, but I just don't see how it could work any other way.

 

The other guy is everything my ex isnt. Problem is, I don't want to rebound that quickly. I haven't been single in a very long time. I've jumped from serious relationship to serious relationship. It's eating me up that I don't know what I want for anything. Ive been in turmoil lately. Drinking waaaaaaay too much. Self medicating I suppose. Any insight is appreciated. I feel like Im surrounded by people but alone all the time.

[Meow18]

It seems like your ex was your first love? Its hard to forget first loves, no matter how hard you try.

 

I think that you need to think about you right now, not about your ex. Yeah, you might hurt his feelings, but it seems like the fact that he wants you there, but not as a girlfriend is just hurting you more. You need to think about your feelings in this situation. You know that what you have with your ex right now is not "healthy".

 

I think for now its best that you stop doing things a boyfriend and girlfriend would do with him. You said that he wants the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility, but it doesn't seem like thats all you want. He told you that he's not wanting a relationship right now. So you either have to accept that and continue giving him the benefits, or accept that and try to move on.

 

I think you should get to know this other guy more. It seems like you really like him and the only thing thats stopping you from wanting something more with him is your ex. I think you should try not contacting your ex so much and hang out with this other guy more. I'm not saying to jump into a relationship with him right away, I don't think you are ready, but just get to know him more. He could be perfect for you. You never know what could happen.

[PrincessLinzay]

Thanks Maggie. He's my second love, but I did care about him more than Ive ever cared about anyone else.

 

I have done pretty well with not contacting him. He's usually the one who calls me and initiates the contact. I told him that there was another guy I was interested in and he became very very very upset. I told him that he was free to do as he wants and I should be allowed the same. He doesn't seem to agree.

 

I do like the new guy. I had a mini crush on him when I was still with the ex, but obviously never did anything about it. Im just confused. Im going to detach myself from the ex as much as possible and focus on me and my needs for a change. I can't be there for him the way he wants. It's not fair to me or to him if I pretend I will accept the situation as is, not fair to the new guy either if I truly decide to pursue something with him. The new guy is already iffy about the fact Im so recently out of a relationship and we still talk. Got to nip that in the bud. Thanks again.