cheated on, but still in love.

[Meisje]

Well I'm new here, so I'm hoping that I can get some advice or at least some opinions on this.

 

I'm going to try to keep this as short as I can, but that will obviously leave out a lot of information, so maybe I can just add in the rest of the story as needed later...

 

So the short of it is that my boyfriend of 1.5 years cheated on me BUT it was only one occasion. He didn't have another relationship behind my back, it was just one girl, one time.

 

So he confessed in September (4 months after the act) and I was obviously very upset. That night he was so, so nice to me, saying how much he loves me and didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to work through this and fix everything. He was very upset that his stupid mistake could be the reason for losing me, and that he felt so bad for ruining my experience with the first person I loved, etc. etc.

 

I very much believed his sincerity in all that he said and I wanted to try to work things out. For the next week or so things were very good, he was very dedicated in trying to work through this and make me feel better.

 

But there's an addition to the situation: his guilt/nerves turned into a health issue. All summer he was sick, throwing up, losing weight, etc. and it developed into a minor eating disorder and a serious health risk. Towards the end of the summer, I had to take him to the hospital for the pain one night. Later that week he confessed to me about the cheating.

 

His sickness (so we [he and I] assume) is due to his discomfort around me. Seeing me reminds him of what he did, remembering that makes him feel guilty and feeling guilty makes him sick.

 

So now we're on a break.

 

---

 

That's part one.

Part two is since the break (and the part i need advise on):

 

I can't figure out how feelings can change so quickly. In September (only 2 months ago) he was so loving and told me things I could only wish to hear, and I DO believe he was sincere in saying them and that his feelings were true (I don't think he was just trying to say the right things to get himself out of trouble - that's not like him - plus he was almost in tears over it)... so if he felt THAT strongly about me 2 months ago, what has changed?

 

When he said he wanted a break, he said he just didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. I (hesitantly) agreed to the break but asked him whether he meant a total, no-contact break or if I could still talk to him now and then. (we live in different cities, so this would happen over MSN). He said I could. His exact words were "just be a friend, not a girlfriend for a while"... the his final words were "make it easy to be around you"

 

So my question is how do I do that? What can I do to make him more comfortable about something like this? I've already put in the effort to stay with him and get over this, so he knows that I love him and want to get past this... so I don't really understand how he is not comfortable around me if I obviously want to work through this.

[Switch187]

His uncomfort is due to the fact that he lied to you for so long. Even though the whole time he was nice to you and loving to you, his mind was tearing away bit by bit because of his naughty act. I know that you left this part out, but how did the cheating happen? Was he drunk, or just horny? Was it with a girl he knows or just some random girl at a party/club? The answers to those questions will really help you understand what type of person he really is. I do believe that he really cares about you, or else he wouldn't be getting so sick when he see's you and realizes what he's done. But you also have to consider if you really want to put yourself through this again (once a guy cheats, the thought of doing it again is always in the back of their heads).

 

As for advice on the break. Well give him that space he says he needs. Although he says "be a friend" and "stay in contact" it's just going to make things harder on both of you, especially you. Just keep yourself busy and don't start thinking about whether you should send him an e-mail or anything like that for a good solid week (maybe even 2). By then he may start to wonder what's going on, and will try to make the contact with you (which in turn is helping him realize his "comfort" around you). Don't keep yourself waiting on him to make a decision so you can make a decision about your life. If he really want's to be with you then his time alone will make him realize what he's missing out on and he will be back.

[Meisje]

Switch, thanks for your words, they are encouraging and I appreciate that... most of the reactions I've gotten can't get past the fact that he cheated and just tell me to leave him.

 

So to fill a few things in, when he cheated, it was with a girl we knew from highschool. Well, he knew her, I knew of her. Anyway, she had always flirted with him but he was never interested. But she was also the person he lost his virginity with. The way he explained it to me was that he didn't like being a virgin, and he just wanted to get it out of the way... haha so much for a special moment (by the way, we weren't dating when he said that)... anyway, fastforward about a year to when he cheated on me (and we had then been dating for about a year). He was playing basketball with her (which I knew they did all the time, so that part wasn't a secret) and then they went back to her place to rest. She started telling him all about her personal life (which apparently is a common thing for her to do) and somehow (I don't know how) it led to sex.

 

But what he also told me was that he barely had sex with her at all, I mean, yes they did have intercourse, but after a few minutes he just left and went home without saying anything. That was apparently because he felt nautious about the whole thing.

 

So on one hand, I would say that's a good thing, that he was never interested in her emotionally and that when they did have sex, he couldn't actually do it and left... that's the good part. The bad part is that she was his first AND the same person he cheated with... there must be something about her that she can keep getting him like that.

 

When he confessed, he repeatedly exhausted the idea that he did NOT do it in retaliation of anything or with intentions of hurting me. At the time, we were not stable in our relationship... we weren't openly fighting about anything, but we weren't comfortable either (I think that's because we had been away at school, only seeing eachother once a week AT MOST and all of a sudden when summer came, we were too in eachother's face, and not used to it.)... so he interpreted it as we were about to break up.

 

So I guess the actual cheating was a product of confused feelings about our relationship and of her provoking him.

 

 

---

 

The other thing I just wanted to mention (about giving him his space)... We went on the break about 2 weeks ago and I've only spoken to him 2 or 3 times, so we're each getting plenty of space.

 

Most of the reason I have talked to him is because we are both working on a project together that we have commited to outside of our relaitonship troubles (I am doing the cover art for a friend's CD which he is producing)... so when I have talked to him, it had been for the purpose of dicussing business!

 

Even still, it goes into normal conversation about school and friends, etc... just small talk and when we talk it seems totally normal, there seems to be no hesitation or bitterness on his part... so that's good I guess.

[Switch187]

Ok Meisje this makes things a bit more complex. If the girl he cheated on you with was his first (and a somewhat close friend if they play ball together) then he definatly still has some attraction to her. He could tell you different all he wants, but if he didn't have such strong feelings for her then he wouldn't be putting himself in that type of situation (playing a physical sport with her, being in her house to talk about relationships, etc). She definatly has a hold on him, whether he wants to see/accept it or not. Even though he stopped in the middle of sex, it doesn't change the fact that he went through with it (you know that it's not just sex too, they could have started kissing, maybe had oral, then had sex). Yes it could be a bit notable that he became disgusted and stopped, but once again that doesn't overrule the fact that he still stuck it in and went through with it for a while. If he was about to break up with you, then he should have told you he felt that way before he started to mess with this other girl, not afterwards.

 

If the space is going well, then keep it at that. Don't change it just yet. Keep things civil and short when you talk, and definatly don't get into relationship conversations (like you said keep it to businees, school, and life).

 

One thing you may want to think about (and others may disagree, but this is my position) is that you may need to make him know that this other girl is someone you don't really want him around. Think about it. If you two get back together, and she is still in his life, don't you think the possibility of this happening again is going to still be there. I know that if my girl (or ex I should say) had done that, I would let her know that I was uncomfertable with her still hanging out with the other person, and that she should definatly stop seeing that other person until the trust is built back. But it's your choice, if he says it won't happen it again, then you just have to use your own judgement on whether it will or wont. Again he may say no, but the other girl my think of him as a "friend with benifits" after what happened, and may try to "seduce" him again.

[Recovering_Lover]

Meisje,

 

I am not going to tell you like other people tell you.

 

What I am going to advice you is to first, take time for yourself and then make a decision. Why u ask?

 

Well, when you're under the love spell, you tend to be in a state of mind that does not allow you to be objective. You can think you're objective, but you don't realize that you are being biased by the affects of love. When I mean the affects of love, I mean the memories, the attachments, the affections, everyhting that you had, but now is hanging in the air. You desire for them so much, that you tend to bias yourself.

 

So, my suggestion is to take time off, and let the effects of the love wear off and then decide if you really want to be with a guy who cheated on you. You cna definitely give him a 2nd chance and if he really loves you as he says, I am sure he will wait for you . If he doesn't , does he really love you enough?

 

How would you know that you have recovered? Well, you would know when you can tel lyourself you don't NEED him. How do you know you don't need him? Well, you don't think about him everyday, every song doesn't remind you of him, Or the things he gave you , when you look at them, doesn't hurt etc.... You then know you're back to your self, your independent self, if then you think you still want to him, then try out with him.

 

That's my sincere advice.

 

R.L.