"eNotAlone" wouldnt apply to me

[Leo McGuffin]

Well I am alone. Lets see.. yes, utterly alone. But it doesn't seem to affect me. The problem is I feel nothing, sort of a type of schizophrenic if you will, yet psychiatrists all diagnose me well because I'm charismatic. I think the charisma is a natural but false cover. After all, I should know, I'm the spirit beneath this skin.

 

To explain, I must go back. I knew a girl since she was 8yrs old, as was I, when we first met. We went around the world due to her 18yr old sister's generosity (& their family's wealth) to concerts & foreign hotels.

 

When I was a teen, she too obviously, she was hit whilst driving from her highschool. I saw her die right there, her eyes even went white (due to shock or fear or intense pain, I don't know, it's not normal of death). It was horrid at the time. I sort of went numb, heart and soul, as it were.

We were both in love much with each other by the time.

 

For years as I continued on through highschool I was then a lone-rebel. I'd turn down even the idea of new friends. My grades declined because I stopped caring about life, I ODed without getting stomach pumped more times than I can remember. I took on a sort of emotionless personality.

I treated girls like objects moreso than ever when I dated them. They'd fall for me, I'd become cold about it. I was slightly rebellious when my mother died, but this was a new low. I was intensely alchoholic too.

(bottle of Everclear can't get me drunk anymore so I quit.)

I have turned my educational life around, or at least it's going that direction.

 

When I was 18, her older sister of 28 comitted suicide & I was unable to stop her because I was not there. Fortunate set of events my life went through, their parents I'm sure are about as numb. I became more numb than I thought I could be. I could at least talk to an older version of her before, now they're both gone.

 

I have my gf's old ring with me always, I can at times foolishly fall for senile visual versions of her, but it never works. I am betrayed left & right. And Im not complaining, I know the world.

 

People can cry, they can look like they're in extreme pain, they can be the most sorry wretched images (staples for urges to help humanity) and I feel absolutely nothing close to pity. At times I should be happy, nothing. Fear, nothing. Sadness either. I ignore insults because they're a waste of my time. Etcetera.

I'm pretty sure I'm fully desensitized.

 

I have the mental capacity to understand the difference between right & wrong & the consequences thereof, but still, should I be concerned?

Is this a form of mental illness, should I seek a professional, & how do I convince them of the truth that NO, I'm not a perfectly sane member of society?

Or do I just fit well into the glove of the actual cruel world we all live in?

[San123]

Well, if you feel this strongly about it, and you think you need help then you should definitely seek help, a psychiatrist or someone who will not just push you aside as "normal" as you say. It is good that you are wanting help and realize that the way you feel, or lack there of isn't normal. Sociopaths lack feeling like that, cold, aren't bothered by horrible images etc. (I'm a psyche major and we have to learn about all that) but the fact that you know that there is something wrong, shows that maybe it isn't as severe as that. But you should DEFINITELY find a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you, and if they try to label you as charismatic, go to someone else... It is their job to understand and help you out. good luck!

[skynet74]

I think you should get help. I don't mean that as an insult. I personally would love to occasionally feel what you do. Which is NOTHING. It sure would be easier than the hurt I seem to carry with me each day. However to feel NOTHING is not normal. It's no way to travel through life. There is a much better way. Don't jip yourself out of future happiness. It's possible and it will be between you and your Doc to figure out how to get there.

 

Good Luck with everything.

 

 

 

John

[tea]

=) For the past 9 years I was like that too. I smiled at everything and never had a temper... if only people knew that was only my cover up.

 

IRL I still have no temper and I still smile all the time. Only bf and my roommate finally learned to decode my emotions from slight changes in my tone of voice or 1 sec delay in response. Bf says I repressed myself to the point that I only display happy and sad, and sad only comes when I'm really breaking down.

 

... ^^ Well, maybe people'll say I need help... =/ I probably do, but I don't really care. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with being suicidal. Even if you're alone all the time and you don't think your life is worth living... as long as you're still alive.. =/ What stopped me from killing myself was... pointless to live, but pointless to kill myself too. I'd die anyways, whether I kill myself or not. ^_^

 

While I was like that I seriously felt nothing for a few years. I kind of just walked and walked and did things because I was told to. I never gave thought to whether I like doing something or not. Surpressing emotions made it easier to endure everything. If I'm a robot then I won't care if I get hurt.

 

... then people called me psyco or cold blooded or whatever just because a few people died and I couldn't really care. =/ It's not like I died... in which case I'd be celebrating. (still don't get why some of my friends are like.. "omg.. this really famous person I dont' really know died! Im so sad!!!" Whatever, get a life.)

 

=/ I'm messed up right? Somehow I'm content with being messed up and I don't really care for help though. Not like those counselors were really helping anyways.

 

Well, I've been trying to learn to be normal for the past year or so after I met bf. I think I'm fairly normal now... at least I don't act online or in front of him. Next goal is probably to learn to care about random meaningless stuff.

[sunfirechick]

I agree with the others that you should see a counselor, not to prove that you're "not normal", but to help you deal with all that you've gone through. I can assure you, though, that you are NOT schizophrenic.

 

I know what's it's like to be numb to all feelings, I know it all too well. I've lost more friends than someone my age should, and very close family members have passed as well. I know what it's like to feel so much hurt that after a certain point, there is nothing more to feel.

 

By seeing my therapist, I started to feel like myself again after just a few visits. It's amazing how someone so neutral can put your whole life into perspective like that, and I strongly encourage you to try it out.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, as I said before, I have experience an overwhelming amount of loss at a young age and I would never wish that upon anyone.

[Leo McGuffin]

I saw a psychiatrist today. That was useless as usual.

 

Actually, the question of my previous rant was more of a quirk of the mind than anything else.

 

There was no emotional "need" to seek therapy. Therapists, even though I state my condition obviously, speak as if their brains were missing.

 

Today I was told: "Well you seem pretty normal to me, so I can't really say that you're not."

I do expect them to start drooling on themselves.. or breaking out in insane maniacle laughter..

Yes, that's why I can't hold a relationship & I have a plethora of such "positive" nicknames. "You aren't considering any illegal means of working out your frustration?"

What frustration. I told them I didn't experience emotion beneath my facade. Are these words too big for my new psychiatrist?

I said: What if I was thinking of illegal things? After all, I'm a sociopath by feeling. I have the perception of right & wrong, but like I told you, I don't feel 'frustration', or grief, or concern.

"But you don't seem to really be any threat to anything."

That wasn't my intent of coming in. "You really don't seem to .." Forget it.

-end scene-

 

Anyway, I'd like to say I value the responses if I could. (take it as complimentary, there goes that charisma of the mind trying to satisfy the social norm..) I would have to say, in the case of females, due to the socially acceptable form of male asking female out, if I were indeed female I would have a relationship (if that makes sense).

 

But pertaining to the social norm, I guess out of lack of even caring I would avoid such a thing. I used to fake that charisma in highschool, but after the next death it declined further. I try every once in awhile, it's just impossible. They don't put up with me long, because it's a grueling effort to put up such a facade of charisma all the time. And what would you do, as a normal human being, if you dated someone & they seemed normal or charming, then it turned out they were cold & emotionless? I can feel nothing for these people. And sometimes it slips verbally. This is something they absolutely hate.

 

I get the same thing, too, as far as fun nicknames. They call me weird. Hitman/Narc/Vulcan/Stalker/Crow/Robot. Many forms of obnoxious terms.

 

There is no smiling through the pain, it was intense like one of you said, for awhile. But one day, when a girl betrayed me & I had the last ounce of feeling, it just stopped. I thanked her, she was confused. Silly girl. Sometimes, many times, I wish everyone had such clarity actually.

 

I was mainly wondering, without urge, how I might convince a therapist of this, but I doubt their words could do anything, if the ones around me even heard anything other then the voices in their head. Such is said about how they can see into your mind, but they never even believe me.

One imagines Hannibal Lector's winning ability to tell about someone, but the only psychiatrists I've ever been to are happily ignorant.

Maybe I'm in the wrong location.

All I know of being committed, as I committed myself once, is they don't help you, they drug you, they isolate you with more crazy people, & their therapy is as useful as a nail in the head.

[skynet74]

I agree that many psychiatrists are useless. If they can't seem to help you.... Then I have a better solution. "Fix Yourself." There are plenty of Self help books out there. Go to link removed . Type in your symptoms and include the word "Book". You'll probably be able to help yourself better than a trained professional can.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

John

[winkie]

Honestly, becuase I am sure that is what you want...you need help and you are not a sane individual by what you have experienced. I have experienced death in front of me when I was 17. However, not as tragic as yours. My father had a heart attack in front of me. I believe, I chose a different way. I may have dabbled with many things in my life but I feel I have a positive out look. This may not be what you want to hear, but why live your life so empty. Would she have wanted it that way? She is not here to experience life, why cant you expereince it for her?? Have they come to you in your dreams her or her sister??

 

 

 

"In the end, people will not be judged on what they have done to others, but they will be judged on what they have done to themselves."

[benchwarmer]

Hey Leo,

You crack me up. You're an extremely intelligent person. I can say that definitively. Would you believe me, if I said that you were on the cusp of receiving what you're wanting? ...I know, you don't even know what you want. Yeah, OK. For starters, this reply is what YOU wanted. You made the call; here's the answer. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. It goes deeper, much deeper. Care to follow the white rabbit?

 

Read this book, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Read it many times, meditate on it. Trust me on this. You will understand it. Some can't or don't or don't want to. But you will. There are other books out there. In fact, once you see this world for what it is, an extension of yourself, the answers will always be a breathe away, not just in books. And not just in therapists, who do their best with what they have and with what little you, no doubt, give them.

 

One thing that you're going to have to do, as soon as possible, is to get rid of that piece of old metal in your pocket. Yeah, the ring. Throw it away. Say goodbye. She's gone. Next, stand outside, naked, and roll around on the ground. Look up at the sky and realize that you are experiencing a life that is much bigger than you, alone(the key word here). From there, only your love and imagination should steer you.

 

Work is required in this life; it is a creative process. When you are dead, you will see her again, truly. Love someone right here, right now. That doesn't mean lie to them to have sex with them. It means giving yourself completely to this world, to the experience, to another person possibly. Positive energy is required. But really, think about it, you're working hard already on feeling nothing or being charismatic. Why not toss those aside and work on something creative and enlightening?

 

You've experienced much. I bet you'd be a good writer, if you would write all of those things that lurk in your "nothingness". Oh yeah. You've got some stories to tell. Creativity is only useful if done to please yourself; so don't write for me or anyone else. Just have fun. This can be done without lying or hurting others or, what it all comes back to, yourself. Cheers, former Everclear drinker.

 

...oh, you've got some stories to tell.

[Leo McGuffin]

I like the Matrix & Alice in Wonderland, interesting stories, yes I'll care to follow the 'white rabbit', as Neo said

"Yeah, sure. I'll go."

I'll read the book, I understood the KJV cover to cover, so not likely I'll misread. (understood, however didn't pursue)

 

Albeit, you're wrong about what I give Therapists, you see: if I'm not jumping off the bloody walls or slicing my wrists all over their desks, they're hardly that concerned. (at least here)

I delve very deep into what I tell them, as they so wide-eyed eye their watches or the clock on the wall.. "Well you seem " blah blah blah.. when they're supposed to be empathetic (pathetic really) healers.

(in my area mind you, no-one else take offense)

 

I'll never throw the ring, maybe cut it off & save somewhere: & if I'm naked outside rolling around: maybe I'll be comitted doing -that-

 

I don't need to lie to have sex, & mainly I'm tired of the girls losing interest after awhile, when they're fascinated enough at the start &, this is what drives guys nuts teetering on the edge nearly ALWAYS: heh,

-problems with females-.

Well.. I won't go there.

How's this for healing though?: Marriage is laughable: the only beneficial things in the world are pleasure & power: Take what you want & stop at nothing. Love is a farcicle pain people feel in their chests.

Doing well? You said to look at the outside world: through experience:

this is my summary. (there is no frustration in this, my comments)

 

I don't work hard at all on feeling nothing, or the charisma: the 2nd came from my mother I suppose.

 

But I will read the book.

 

And yes, I think I will delve into fictional stories with some semblance of my personal life. Alot of them have been done before, but all of them usually modelled after previous ones 8)

 

Well, sorry to disappoint those who so meticulously replied in attempt to help: I think it's help, I do. Art never really takes the exact form you intended, hahah.

 

(I type fast: sorry)

[PS-I don't need any responses to this unless any of you purely feel like it, it's gone pretty long; feel free to do whatever you wish?]

[Leo McGuffin]

Oh sorry, Winkie. Forgot to answer: Yes. They, among many others come to me in my dreams. Got to love haunts..

[mrsmarvl]

Im so sorry about all your losses, but you have to take a deep breath and say goodbye to them. They would want you to live on !! Be happy find someone to talk to, seek help its ok, dont give up hope, Your a great person. Get some help

[benchwarmer]

By the way, I'm not trying to say that I'm above what you're experiencing. I feel it all the time, myself. But there is an irony in actually posting to a place, saying that it doesn't apply to you. You do see the contradiction, right? My thing is that I admit to searching for anything to connect with, eNotAlone included. Nothing seems to work very well.

 

That book, along with a few others, seem onto something. When I go there, I undertand some things better. But, even still, I feel alone. Read the book and tell me what you think. I do goofy stuff to find pleasure. But it's always temporary.

 

One thing I do know is that by giving so much of your present attention to the memory of her, you are not allowing anyone new to enter into your life. I am going through the same thing. There is a reason why I checked in the "Grief" section. Perhaps I'll hear from you later, Leo. Ciao.

[PrincessLinzay]

Sorry, not possible to feel "nothing" unless you're catatonic. Even sociopaths feel. Self-centered with no remorse? Yes, but they do feel.

 

You've obviously experienced a lot pain over your losses. You may have shut down, but you still care about things. If you felt "nothing" as you say, you would have no problem throwing that ring out. You would be content with things as they are and not seek the help of a therapist.

 

A true sociopath doesn't go to a therapist and say...."hey, Im a sociopath, what should I do?" In fact, most people with true mental disorders don''t realize it. They go in, talk to a GOOD psychiatrist and talk about random things. The psychiatrist diagnoses them accordingly based on their past..... mannerisms......present feelings...... and other factors. We're not just talking about depression here, which is far more likely based on what Ive read.

 

I present that there really was no purpose to your post except to get entertainment and some form of power from refuting everyones attempts at "help" as you call it.

 

There are people out there who genuinly have mental disorders. If you think you have one, and have thusfar been refused treatment by professionals, you're not seeking the right kind of help. There's nothing wrong in taking medication, as what you think you have is a DISEASE. Depression and mental disorders are diseases.

 

I genuinly hope you find whatever it is you're seeking.

[Softmoonlight]

I'm so sorry about all that has happened to you. No wonder you are feeling so alone and upset in the world. You've had many traumatic events plague your life thus far, and you are afraid to get close to anyone else in case they too leave, and you are left feeling the guilt once again. it's not your fault, none of it. i'm so sorry about what you've experienced.

 

also, have you tried a different therapist? it seems you are begging for help and they aren't responding appropriately. look around for someone who will give you the help you need and deserve.

[TheEvil1isDara]

You need to look at dr's as if you were i.e buying a car... some are lemons and will do more damage than good...follow your gut instincts go with a dr you can really trust..... 8)

[marolua]

I know this is a late response, but I just wanted to write something about this situation.

About me: My boyfriend committed suicide when I was 17 and he was 19. I knew that he was going to die, I know that he will commit suicide, but I let him to go.

After this experience I went through a similar 'I don't feel anyhting' period. I think this is sort of a 'so what?'situation, why live? why die? why wake up? why sleep? nothing changes.

Don't read that book, I read it, it might work for some people, but not for you, you are strong enough to live with your pain. Pain improves some people, and I think you are one of those. (Improvement need not mean something positive)

I just wanted to say that there is a difference between 'I don't feel anything' and 'This is nothing compared to what I have felt'.Also if I were you, I would not go to the therapist. If you can find a really smart one, which might work, but otherwise talk to yourself, it is better for you.

 

Lastly, why are you wanting to be normal? What is normal? Why do you want to feel? Do you think that you restrain yourself from getting hurt?

I don't know why I am asking these questions, thus I will just stop here.

I can see that you are having fun with life That's good!