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First time user. -Hard breakup

heartbrokengir

By heartbrokengir
in Relationship Advice

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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Hi everyone,

 

I am new to this forum, I've never seek help from online peeps before, but decided I need to talk to people who understand what I'm going through.

 

I am going through a really tough break up because the guy I fell in love with turned out to be such an ******* on the day we broke up. I always thought he was the one I'm supposed to marry but he told me two days ago that he will never love me. That's why he ended things. I just cant believe what an ******* he turned out to be. We were together for 1 year, I've given my all and tried 200%. But he does not love me and the way he broke up with me was such a low blow, no class and integrity. It's been two days, it's hard but I know I'll survive, I hate myself for feeling okay for a couple of hours then feel like Sh** after. It really sucks. Some of my friends have never been through a break up so they don't know how I feel. I really want to move on but it's just really hard especially when you thought he's the one, and he just doesn't feel that way towards you. I know he's tried, but he could've communicated his feelings to me earlier which he admitted that he should've. BUT it's all too late. Please help!

 

L

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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First of all, welcome to the forums! It's very friendly and insightful here

 

So why exactly was he an as*hole?... Besides him not telling you sooner that he has fallen out of love with you, what other factors were involved? Did you not see the signs before this? Or did you see the signs but ignored them due to denial embedded in hopeless romance not being reciprocated?

 

In regards to your break up, try to let your "hate" feelings toward him DRIVE YOU to better yourself. Use that fuel for a different fire... Leave the branches and sticks where they belong, in the dirt

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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He was an as*hole because he didn't handle the break up well, he made me wait at his apt for 4 hours before coming home so he could break up with me. He led me to believe that he wasn't ready to break up with me since you don't make a girl wait at your home so you can come home and dump her. Am I right?

 

Also, he spent a year trying to love me, but he said on Tuesday that he can't feel it and will never love me. Ouch!

 

He wasn't happy in the relationship but refused to communicate with me about it, chose to ignore it, and told me on Tuesday that he should've communicated better, but it's too late. WHO DOES THAT? I am using the NC strategy, I can't believe I fell in love with a person like that. What was I thinking?

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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He was an as*hole because he didn't handle the break up well, he made me wait at his apt for 4 hours before coming home so he could break up with me. He led me to believe that he wasn't ready to break up with me since you don't make a girl wait at your home so you can come home and dump her. Am I right?

 

I would have left after 15 minutes + 10 more after warning... You waited. Your choice... Sure, the guy taking advantage of the drunk girl is still an as*hole but he wouldn't have that opportunity if the girl wasn't drunk to begin with, eh?

 

Also, he spent a year trying to love me, but he said on Tuesday that he can't feel it and will never love me. Ouch!

 

Spent a year trying to love you. huh?... Explain further

 

He wasn't happy in the relationship but refused to communicate with me about it, chose to ignore it, and told me on Tuesday that he should've communicated better, but it's too late. WHO DOES THAT? I am using the NC strategy, I can't believe I fell in love with a person like that. What was I thinking?

 

You chose to ignore, or he did?

 

Btw, NC isn't necessarily a 'strategy'. Those are usually meant for games... But if you are using it in the way of a lifestyle and a firm decision, then that's productive and you will see results.

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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He chose to ignore his happiness, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and hoping one day he'll love me like the way I loved him. Even though there were times when I wanted to give up cuz I was afraid he won't love me, he was always the one who told me he wants to be with me and optimistic. However, everything changed this month, he suddenly dropped the bomb two weeks ago, when I said something to him that made him realize he can't be in the relationship anymore. I meant NC as in wanting myself to have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever. Even if he does contact me, I will ignore him.

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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He chose to ignore his happiness, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and hoping one day he'll love me like the way I loved him. Even though there were times when I wanted to give up cuz I was afraid he won't love me, he was always the one who told me he wants to be with me and optimistic.

 

You chose to "wait around" for someone to love you.... I hope you learned from this.

 

However, everything changed this month, he suddenly dropped the bomb two weeks ago, when I said something to him that made him realize he can't be in the relationship anymore. I meant NC as in wanting myself to have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever. Even if he does contact me, I will ignore him.

 

What did you say to him that made him have an epiphany?

 

And I'm not sure, besides him having you wait 4 hours, why you are SO upset by something that you already knew about? He told you he doesn't love you, but wants to TRY to acquire the same feelings as you (which is pretty much impossible). You waited around and when the result wasn't in your favor, you are pissed? I understand how disappointing this can be, but it's not like he said he loved you but really didn't. He actually told you what was going on, and YOU decided to wait. I don't know enough about your relationships to gather more thoughts around what happened, but from what it seems, this is a very good learning experience for you. Take what you can from it, reflect and start applying changes to your life/mindset for future comers.

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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Not exactly... He wanted to love me too, but just couldn't... It was a possibility that he might love me. I am not pissed about him not loving me cuz I expected that. I am pissed about how he handled the break up because he didn't treat me with respect. It's hard to leave someone who may or may not love because there's always a chance that they will love you, so why not take that risk? Isn't relationship a risk? I wanted out but he held me back. It's like when you love someone, you obviously want to be with them and hope that one day they will love you the same way you love them. Does that make sense?

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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Not exactly... He wanted to love me too, but just couldn't... It was a possibility that he might love me. I am not pissed about him not loving me cuz I expected that. I am pissed about how he handled the break up because he didn't treat me with respect. It's hard to leave someone who may or may not love because there's always a chance that they will love you, so why not take that risk? Isn't relationship a risk? I wanted out but he held me back. It's like when you love someone, you obviously want to be with them and hope that one day they will love you the same way you love them. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, perfectly makes sense and I can totally empathize with your situation. The way he handle the break up, shows his character (which I'm sure he showed signs of before this point in time). People don't randomly "come out the closet" and completely morph into someone they aren't during a breakup, that's not how people work. Things might be enhanced because emotions are running high, but that obviously doesn't excuse his 'disrespect' toward you, and you deserve better.

 

So in deserving better, you need to become better. Reflect back on everything and change things to which would have been more beneficial if this was your future relationship. A relationship isn't necessarily a "risk" as much as it is "work". Both parties need to put in "work" for it to 'work', if that makes sense? Sounds like he was trying to force feelings (which isn't ever productive) and you were letting it happen because you had high hopes despite the evidence.

 

Don't necessarily say "he held me back", because he didn't hold a gun to your head, did he? It was your choice to stay. It's ALWAYS our choice.... You seem to be in a mindset of putting most of the blame onto him, which won't produce 100% honest results you can work from when you reflect back.

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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I am not trying to blame him for everything, if anything, I blame myself for falling in love with someone like that. I am just pissed if anything, and I'm trying not to be pissed but it will take time. This is only my second day after the break up

 

I didn't say you were trying to blame him for everything... Just certain ways you phrased things, "I wanted out but HE held me back"... Probably your subconscious trying to ease your pain by unknowingly shifting the blame. But honestly, that doesn't matter right now... What matters is, focus on setting a goal for how long you can keep NC. After 1 week, reward yourself. After 2 weeks, do the same. After 1 month, reward even bigger.

 

Stay strong. We are here for you

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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I am feeling all kinds of emotions, it's just hard. I thought I had forgiven him, but I'm still kind of mad. Like today I was perfectly fine and thought I was moving on nicely, but after dinner, I felt like crying. Ever since the break up I have to remind myself that we've broken up, because it was so sudden. Well at least to me. It's just hard loving someone whom you thought you are meant to be with, but he doesn't feel the same way towards you at all.... Does time really heal all wounds?

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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I am feeling all kinds of emotions, it's just hard. I thought I had forgiven him, but I'm still kind of mad. Like today I was perfectly fine and thought I was moving on nicely, but after dinner, I felt like crying. Ever since the break up I have to remind myself that we've broken up, because it was so sudden. Well at least to me. It's just hard loving someone whom you thought you are meant to be with, but he doesn't feel the same way towards you at all.... Does time really heal all wounds?

 

Time does heal all wounds, but you NEED to help it along the way... Time is your jumper cables. You're the driver, so it's time to put it into gear and hit that GAS baby!!! Of course you will have your ups and downs in the early stages, and that is completely normal. Take whatever time you need to grieve and go through the waves.... just remember, the shore will always be here... but you need to stop drowning in your emotions sooner or later and paddle back to dry land... everything is so much clearer with your head above the water

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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Time does heal all wounds, but you NEED to help it along the way... Time is your jumper cables. You're the driver, so it's time to put it into gear and hit that GAS baby!!! Of course you will have your ups and downs in the early stages, and that is completely normal. Take whatever time you need to grieve and go through the waves.... just remember, the shore will always be here... but you need to stop drowning in your emotions sooner or later and paddle back to dry land... everything is so much clearer with your head above the water

 

It's just good to know there are people out there who are going through the same thing, it doesn't make me feel as lonely.

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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I don't ever want to be with him again, but sometimes I think I about our good times together and I am afraid I will have a change of heart. I made a list of his negatives and I re-read them every now and then. I think what I'm doing is right.

 

Listing the negatives is a good start, and also make sure to realize why you aren't compatible! Also, looking forward to the person who WILL be compatible helps the healing process

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heartbrokengir Explorer

heartbrokengir

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Is it bad I'm so stubborn wanting him to contact me but I won't ever take him back.. that's so stubborn of me, I just want him to break contact with me just so I know he misses me, but I wasn't going to reply. The more I think about our relationship, the more I realize I don't want to be with him. The main reason why we're not compatible is because he couldn't love me, bottom line.

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blacklantana Enthusiast

blacklantana

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Is it bad I'm so stubborn wanting him to contact me but I won't ever take him back.. that's so stubborn of me, I just want him to break contact with me just so I know he misses me, but I wasn't going to reply. The more I think about our relationship, the more I realize I don't want to be with him. The main reason why we're not compatible is because he couldn't love me, bottom line.

 

sounds exactly like my situation with my ex, haha... she couldn't love me, yet strung me along... but yeah, she contacted me constantly after the 2 week mark... just give him some time.. he'll contact you

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