slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 ok so heres the deal I was with my ex (i really dislike calling her that) for 1 and 3/4s years. things were great! granted at times we fought and bickered but people said we "fought like a married couple". wed always fix it. last week Friday i was attempting to talk to her but she was so focused on getting home and feeling better that she wouldn't listen to a word i said. i got frustrated and pinned her to the wall in an attempt to get her to realize that this was very important but she blocked me out and started to freak out..to top it off someone saw what happened and they tried to intervene thinking i was hitting her. she then got in a car with that person (a complete stranger mind you!) and sped off. things got worse as i called her brother to let him know what had happened(i was worried about her from the second it happened). he told me to head home so i did. things have been up and down since then, Saturday and Sunday she was iffy about talking to me (when shes upset with someone she shuts them out completely, blocking anything where they can contact her) Sunday and Saturday but Monday i decided i wanted to get help to ensure that it wouldn't happen again. she seemed hopeful that i would actually change..ever since then its been a bit rougher but every so often i catch these little glimmers of hope, things she does that makes me thing she still loves me (I.E. not removing all our pictures of us together, calling me because she had a bad dream or she wanted to fall asleep to my voice) the topper is today, me her and this friend of ours went to the local county fair. now i was nervous and down (lost the love of my life etc etc) but once i cheered up and got happy around her things changed, she started holding my hand, hugging me, letting me play with her hair. things i would only do in the relationship. she even rested against me in the way we loved. but i hear from a friend that she is looking for people on OkCupid and slightly talking to someone but she told me these things already it has me believing that she loves me but doesnt want to make things easy and have me be complacent in our relationship (for the record i am very sorry about what i did to her and went out of my way to try and show her that i wouldnt do anything) I love her with all my heart and soul, so much so where things like this take a toll on my health. how do i win her back? how do i reignite the spark of love and get her to see that no matter what i will always be the one who stands by her? Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 forgot to put this in she also didnt like how i was heavy and with out a job. these are two things i am now working on very very hard (iv only had one interview but still trying) and iv already lost 30lbs. iv even started taking anti depressants Link to comment
WalkingGrace Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Ok...pinning her to a wall was a bad move, but I guess you know that already. Perhaps there's some anger in you, that needs to be dealt with? Something that makes you want to physically block a person, so that they will listen to you? Emotions clearly run high in this relationship - but is it a relationship, or not? Are you together officially? If she is chatting to other people, then my guess is not? When did you break up and how often do you see her? I think, to be honest, in common with what most people here will tell you, you need to break off all contact with her. Being with her/but yet not being with her, will mess with your head in the most unreal way possible. Breaking off contact though is the hardest thing you will ever do though and will almost surely fill you with doubts about what you're doing. But if you can do it, use all that energy and sadness to changing yourself. The most powerful way (I think) to re-win someone's heart is to simply get on with your life and change yourself, the best way you can. If they love you, they will come back. Hanging about, hoping, half in/half out, doesn't really help anyone. I know, it utterly sucks! Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 we broke up last friday, march 15th. the anger thing im dealing with but its more so frustration. i feel like she doesnt communicate with me and it makes things ten times more difficult on a day to day basis. we arent together anymore but i dont think she reall wants anyone else. its going to sound so damn self centered i know but i feel like shes doing this to show that she CAN be with others. i knew that from the very beginning in fact a lot of my worries were that i wasnt going to be good enough. its still a major worry now Edit worst part is last Tuesday i finally turned 21 and was starting to kick my life into high gear (job, school, the works) and it had felt like me n her were in the clear Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 oh another thing, i just got rematched with her OkCupid account (89 percent match, go figure!) and at the end it says she isnt looking for a relationship, just friends Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 if anyone has any advice please, go ahead and post. id like as much feedback as possible Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 You've gotten some really good advice already. I would be careful about your anger issue -- you seem to justify it by pointing to HER behavior, as if SHE is somehow responsible for your acting out physically, which isn't the case. If this isn't clear to you, I'd recommend getting some help because there are coping strategies out there that will help you learn more constructive ways of handling anger. I agree with WalkingGrace -- cut contact for now and keep the focus on YOU. Keep improving yourself physically and losing weight, 30 lbs. is awesome!! Keep working out. Get your job situation handled. Give yourself a few months without contacting her -- or any other girls -- and just focus on self-improvement, getting a job and working on your anger management issue. This is going to make you a better boyfriend for her or anyone else! As for her being "the love of your life"? Maybe, maybe not. At your age, it's doubtful you've really met The One you're going to be with forever -- but it does happen sometimes! IF you two are really meant to be together, it will happen. But for now, it's best to walk away, leave her alone, cut all contact and work on yourself. She'll contact you if she changes her mind. And stay off OKCupid for now! And Facebook and all social media. Disappear for a while and work on yourself. Give it some time and let it unfold as it's meant to. It's painful, but it's not hopeless -- and you WILL be fine either way, no matter what happens with her. Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 i can try. another problem i have is that i don't want her to think im uninterested Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 You can't control what she thinks. All you can do is respect her decision and try to be the best person you can be -- and hope that she changes her mind. I'm sure she knows you want to get back together. But if you remain a presence in her life, even just through mutual friends or online sites, you're actually pushing her away. Give her time and space to miss you, to think things over and decide for herself what she wants to do. You only push her away by reminding her of your presence. Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 fair enough, is it a good sign that she kept all of our romantic stuff? for christmas i got her this small, sterling silver box with a personal engraving and from what i hear she hasnt thrown it out Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Stop asking your friends what's going on. Walk away, for real. If your friends bring her up, explain you don't want to hear anything anymore, they'll understand. There will be lots of signs, some good and some bad -- but you need to stop looking for them. If you don't detach right now, you're going to go crazy in the coming weeks trying to figure out what she's thinking. This is why it's essential to FOCUS ON YOU. Improving yourself, improving your life. Put yourself in a place where she doesn't exist, all that exists is you and your healing and your self-improvement. It really works! Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 you sure? tbh im terrified of just..letting go in such a way. she gave my life purpose and direction. it just bothers me to have it all..gone.. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 23, 2013 Share Posted March 23, 2013 Obviously, I'm sure in my opinion or I wouldn't have given it. Just because NC is scary and difficult, doesn't mean it's not the best thing to do. The easy way of sticking around and trying to change her mind? That's what most people do.... and they usually push their exes away. It's your life and your call! You have some work to do on yourself to figure out that YOU give your life purpose and direction. Not some partner, no matter who she is. Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 i just feel so empty with out her, especially now that its all clicked. i know what to do. for everything..it all just clicked in my head and just..i hate myself for not fixing it sooner Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 24, 2013 Author Share Posted March 24, 2013 i initiated NC/LC with her today. i know the exact things to change and improve about myself. thats the right thing to do, right? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Yep -- focus on YOU. But I'm confused what you mean by "NC/LC"? There's NC which means No Contact. There's LC which means Limiited Contact. I hope you're not trying to give yourself a loophole to keep contacting her..... Link to comment
slynobdy Posted March 24, 2013 Author Share Posted March 24, 2013 its limited in the sense that i told her flat out we can still talk but what i didnt say is that im not going to initiate conversation with her. it seems bad but honestly? even if ultimately we dont get together i love her and want to be a part of her life, right now im backing off so i can improve and maybe re initiate in about a month or so. the most difficult part im finding is keeping myself busy so i dont dwell on it too much Link to comment
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