Any insights/advice appreciated

[spyral]

I'm writing this in the hope that somebody out there may be able to contribute some words of advice to help me make a bit of sense of where I am in life.

 

To give some history - I am a 27 year old female, with probably a less than conventional relationship history. My first relationship was short - only 4 months - at the age of 21. The guy broke up with me and I hurt for a long time, much longer than I should have. I remember being paralysed upon hearing that he had slept with a girl a few weeks later, a casual one night stand, noted on his facebook wall by one of his friends.

Obviously he had been the first person I slept with and for some reason I could just not process it at all. He was on my mind constantly, it was truly like some kind of psychological addiction that I could not get over. To this day, I don't know why it affected me that much, but it did.

 

Anyway, fast forward a few years. I did not have any form of a relationship at all meanwhile; no dating, no hookups, no sex, nothing. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it just seemed that no one I met appealed strongly, and I just didn't have the drive to try and meet anyone. My early twenties were spent totally single. And then a bombshell happened in my life. I came home from university lectures one day and used my dad's laptop, cutting a long story short I discovered that he had been an addictive user of prostitutes/attending sex 'parties', all kinds of horrible stuff.

 

This was the 'hiroshima' of my life. Before I had unearthed this about my dad, my family had been seemingly very happy, my mum, sister, father and I living what seemed to be a great life. It literally devastated me, i can't really describe it that well but honestly, it literally ripped me apart. Fast forward another few years, and I have practically no relationship with my father. My mother and him are still married but they are basically living a lie. My father is now being treated by a psychiatrist but meanwhile has lost his job, is practically bankrupt and essentially contributing nothing to our family now. I am in no way 'over it', i have just put it aside in my life and tried to live as best I could. I think it was complicated more by the fact that I had truly idolised my father, I was a complete daddy's girl and looked up to him as my idol. And he went from that to a total stranger, which he remains in my life.

 

Finally, to bring me to life and the crux of my problem. I was based abroad last year between August and December. While I was away, I met a fantastic guy who was completing the same 5 month stint as me. He seemed exceptionally caring and to me, sensitive. I told him that I had not had a man in my life for 5 years, and he said that was fine and that he felt lucky that I had accepted him into my life. We became close very quickly, probably too close, but I just felt that I trusted him and was obviously very attracted to him on both a physical and emotional level. While I was abroad, I had a work trip away for a month, meaning I had to be away from him for that period of time. I was nervous that we would lose the connection but he called me every single day that I was away, I felt that I was actually becoming closer through our distance and I felt good about the future with him. I put it out there that I would be happy to move to be with him after the trip, and he agreed that that was what he would like too.

 

Then, when I returned from the trip, I had just a week left with him before I had to go back home. I knew as soon as I saw him again that something had changed. He retreated both physically and emotionally, which practically killed me as I had literally been counting the days off during the month until I could see him again. It all came to a head one day when I went round to see him and I was very tearful, feeling confused, totally on edge and very unsure as to what was happening. I brought up the subject of moving to be with him and his reply was 'we'll just have to see where we are when the times comes'. I was so upset at this stage I ended up telling him about the stuff to do with my Dad, I could feel all the old hurt re-surfacing and everything just came out. Less than ideal circumstances but I was truly not myself.

 

When I got home, I was in turmoil about what he'd said and sent him a text saying 'does that mean if you meet someone else?', he replied saying 'it could mean anything, i just don't want to make any promises because if something was to happen it would only hurt you more and I don't want to do that'.

 

So I returned home from the 5 month trip, he returned back to his home in the USA. I didn't know where we were, whether we were together or not, it was a big mess. I tried initiating contact but he started to delay replying or just not bother, and I knew that this was essentially the death knell for us.

 

And then, finally, 12 days after he got back to the USA, he sent me a text at 4am saying that he had met someone else, saying that 'he thought he should tell me because he said he would always be honest'. Since then, ive had limited contact with him but noticed that he introduced her to all his family straightaway etc. I feel a huge sense of loss, mainly because i feel that he couldn't be bothered to give it a shot, but also i feel angry because he knew how incredibly hard i find it to trust people and he just couldnt wait to move on to someone else. The only saving grace in this is that when he met me, he had just got out of an 8 month relationship and i had questioned him about whether or not i was a rebound (he denied that). I wonder if he is the kind of guy who just can't be alone.

 

I'm sorry this is so long-winded, it's essentially 7 years of my life condensed into a page! I am doing ok but frequently have dark, scary, lonely moments in which I feel that I will never be able to have a proper relationship with a man. It seems so abnormal to have not had a long term relationship by this stage. And I feel that I have lost the one man that I truly connected with, who would cuddle with me through whole nights, who told me how I had made his trip. And now it's all gone, he's playing happy families with the new girl and I am alone, again.

[Edmund Exley]

First, I hope in your heart you can find a way to forgive your father. He too is human and as awful as what he did may be, he made mistakes, and he is now dealing with them. You need to find forgiveness to ease your own soul. Speak to a therapist if it helps.

 

As for relationships, he is not the only man. Based on what you say here, it doesnt seem like you guys we're completely on the same ground. You dont really describe a commitment and it appears he was honest through out. There are others out there, don't let your inner self stop you from finding them.